What a twisted reality we've created for ourselves
Thoughts from week 1 (a little delayed)
--
How can she be gone?
I just needed her to love me
To care about my feelings
To help me face my fears
To tell me that everything would be okay
But she couldn't
And so I couldn't let go
The way I needed to
And now we deny ourselves our love
But it's not going away
I always trusted her
It was never about that
I wonder if she
Will ever understand
--
I've never had a Christmas with a girlfriend
This was going to be the first time
It would have been great
But I know this had to happen the way it did
And I'm even beginning to see why
We may not make it through this
But if we do, we're going to be so fucking great
I'm still unsure how to handle the reconnection
Should we be physical if she doesn't think we can make it?
Does she have to fall for me all over again?
Or will I have to break away completely
For fear of losing myself in her?
--
We just tried to do it all too fast
She felt suffocated; I felt insecure
This is no reason to break us
I know she's messing around now
Or I'm pretty sure at least
And I understand - I forgive her
This tells me something that actually surprises me
She could have cheated, and I could have forgiven her
Well, maybe not then, but now
Because it wouldn't be worth it to lose her
Am I just addicted to her?
I still need more time to know the truth
--
"I can fix it all. I KNOW I can"
What had happened to me?
I was willing to promise the impossible
Just to have her with me again
But it was only because I knew
That we really could still do it
And I was partially right, about the "switch" that I could throw
But I forgot about myself in the conversation
I needed her, too, and she wasn't prepared to handle that
We have to proceed slowly, and I think, in the end
We can still make it
Unless she's just too afraid to choose love
And chooses meaningless, empty substitutes instead
--
Did I expect too much of her?
Or did she just decide not to try?
I know she had too much to handle just then
And I was the only thing that she could eject
But now we're apart
And this world is not right
For me or for her, I can still feel it
She's trying to justify why she hurts herself
But I know the truth
We still need each other, but is that healthy?
Did one of us let the other down?
Or should we have known?
--
I made myself okay on my own
And it was really only then that I could truly find love
And I know that I should be able to show my true heart
But I really couldn't do it just then
If I had told her, it would have stressed her
And she would have left me
I know because she told me so
Does this mean that she is just too weak?
Or even if it does, should I have not seen that?
Should I have known to back off a bit?
Would that have prevented this break?
Or would it have just been worse later?
At least I could have found out
This is just wrong
Empty
--
So many things I want to tell her
And yet I may never get the chance
Someone said to me today "I'm not nkotnkotnko"
She'd think that was funny shit
Maybe another time
Or maybe we won't even really talk again
What if she's truly shutting me out
Out of her mind, out of her heart
And yet I still love her
I'm getting better - I really am
I don't feel obsessive well, maybe a little
I associate her with love
I associate her with sex
It's so hard not to think about her
All the time
I have this problem, and I can't escape it
I have to think things through to such an extreme
She has to ignore it until it settles in her mind
It's so hard to give her the space
But I know she really needs it
I've realized several things
That I couldn't have seen without the break
One week down, three to go
I'll be ready
I just hope she's not too afraid
I hope she can choose to love
And not give up on herself
--
No sleepless nights
Because I take enough sleep aids
I don't have to get wasted anymore
But I still think it's be kinda nice
To go from my highest high
To my lowest low
With only a couple days between
I have to fix a part of myself
This is our test
I have to pass my part
--
I fell for her and I let it consume me
So I became dogmatic in my views
And so did she
We each needed something
That the other just couldn't see
But it was all there
We could have given it
If only we had seen what we needed to see
She reacted. I flinched. She got mad. I pulled away
We can make it through this
It's so real, so strong
And yet such a minor problem in the grand scheme
--
So much time
We're still "supposed" to have
And it all comes down to
"Will she be too afraid?"
And my own fear
I need to control it
But some day
I'm going to need her
Whoever "she" is
I hope it's Megan.
--
Is it healthy?
For me to want her
Even if she's spending so much time
With an admitted ass bandit?
Well, of course it is
If she controls herself
Or corrects herself
In the case of a mistake
But why would the option
Of a mistake present itself?
Because she needed
To do this herself
This all makes sense
But what if she uses it
As a constant tool
To test me?
Maybe she won't
But even if she does
I have to find out
I can't be too afraid
Because I will go through this
All over again
In order for us
To really be happy
We were just getting there
Through the "growing pains"
That any couple
Will face together
Through so much
And at the last moment
When it really mattered
This happened
I still believe in her
I still have faith in us
All this pain was needed
To remind us what love is worth
And if this is it
If it's really the end
Then I will always carry with me
The happiness we shared
--
She had to work so hard for me
And yet when she finally succeeded
I fell too hard
All the things
We thought I would be missing
Just weren't there
She really did become
All I needed in a girl
I don't know if this is because
She really IS THAT great
Or because I learned to let go
That I didn't need to escape
If my reality really was that good
--
This is strange
How writing this helps me
It is probably
Too much to post
But I should do it anyway
Just to remind me
How far I will have come
From the time these were written
--
A thought
What if this experience
Just sticks
In the back of her mind
And prevents her
From ever feeling content
With me again
Even though
She can't find a way
To truly blame me for it?
--
She's so beautiful
In ways she'll never know
Inside and out
But at least on the outside
We got a beautiful picture
That I'll probably never see
I won't get to keep it with me
It was so great.
--
"There IS no beer"
12-21-2006
Thoughts from week 1 (a little delayed)
--
How can she be gone?
I just needed her to love me
To care about my feelings
To help me face my fears
To tell me that everything would be okay
But she couldn't
And so I couldn't let go
The way I needed to
And now we deny ourselves our love
But it's not going away
I always trusted her
It was never about that
I wonder if she
Will ever understand
--
I've never had a Christmas with a girlfriend
This was going to be the first time
It would have been great
But I know this had to happen the way it did
And I'm even beginning to see why
We may not make it through this
But if we do, we're going to be so fucking great
I'm still unsure how to handle the reconnection
Should we be physical if she doesn't think we can make it?
Does she have to fall for me all over again?
Or will I have to break away completely
For fear of losing myself in her?
--
We just tried to do it all too fast
She felt suffocated; I felt insecure
This is no reason to break us
I know she's messing around now
Or I'm pretty sure at least
And I understand - I forgive her
This tells me something that actually surprises me
She could have cheated, and I could have forgiven her
Well, maybe not then, but now
Because it wouldn't be worth it to lose her
Am I just addicted to her?
I still need more time to know the truth
--
"I can fix it all. I KNOW I can"
What had happened to me?
I was willing to promise the impossible
Just to have her with me again
But it was only because I knew
That we really could still do it
And I was partially right, about the "switch" that I could throw
But I forgot about myself in the conversation
I needed her, too, and she wasn't prepared to handle that
We have to proceed slowly, and I think, in the end
We can still make it
Unless she's just too afraid to choose love
And chooses meaningless, empty substitutes instead
--
Did I expect too much of her?
Or did she just decide not to try?
I know she had too much to handle just then
And I was the only thing that she could eject
But now we're apart
And this world is not right
For me or for her, I can still feel it
She's trying to justify why she hurts herself
But I know the truth
We still need each other, but is that healthy?
Did one of us let the other down?
Or should we have known?
--
I made myself okay on my own
And it was really only then that I could truly find love
And I know that I should be able to show my true heart
But I really couldn't do it just then
If I had told her, it would have stressed her
And she would have left me
I know because she told me so
Does this mean that she is just too weak?
Or even if it does, should I have not seen that?
Should I have known to back off a bit?
Would that have prevented this break?
Or would it have just been worse later?
At least I could have found out
This is just wrong
Empty
--
So many things I want to tell her
And yet I may never get the chance
Someone said to me today "I'm not nkotnkotnko"
She'd think that was funny shit
Maybe another time
Or maybe we won't even really talk again
What if she's truly shutting me out
Out of her mind, out of her heart
And yet I still love her
I'm getting better - I really am
I don't feel obsessive well, maybe a little
I associate her with love
I associate her with sex
It's so hard not to think about her
All the time
I have this problem, and I can't escape it
I have to think things through to such an extreme
She has to ignore it until it settles in her mind
It's so hard to give her the space
But I know she really needs it
I've realized several things
That I couldn't have seen without the break
One week down, three to go
I'll be ready
I just hope she's not too afraid
I hope she can choose to love
And not give up on herself
--
No sleepless nights
Because I take enough sleep aids
I don't have to get wasted anymore
But I still think it's be kinda nice
To go from my highest high
To my lowest low
With only a couple days between
I have to fix a part of myself
This is our test
I have to pass my part
--
I fell for her and I let it consume me
So I became dogmatic in my views
And so did she
We each needed something
That the other just couldn't see
But it was all there
We could have given it
If only we had seen what we needed to see
She reacted. I flinched. She got mad. I pulled away
We can make it through this
It's so real, so strong
And yet such a minor problem in the grand scheme
--
So much time
We're still "supposed" to have
And it all comes down to
"Will she be too afraid?"
And my own fear
I need to control it
But some day
I'm going to need her
Whoever "she" is
I hope it's Megan.
--
Is it healthy?
For me to want her
Even if she's spending so much time
With an admitted ass bandit?
Well, of course it is
If she controls herself
Or corrects herself
In the case of a mistake
But why would the option
Of a mistake present itself?
Because she needed
To do this herself
This all makes sense
But what if she uses it
As a constant tool
To test me?
Maybe she won't
But even if she does
I have to find out
I can't be too afraid
Because I will go through this
All over again
In order for us
To really be happy
We were just getting there
Through the "growing pains"
That any couple
Will face together
Through so much
And at the last moment
When it really mattered
This happened
I still believe in her
I still have faith in us
All this pain was needed
To remind us what love is worth
And if this is it
If it's really the end
Then I will always carry with me
The happiness we shared
--
She had to work so hard for me
And yet when she finally succeeded
I fell too hard
All the things
We thought I would be missing
Just weren't there
She really did become
All I needed in a girl
I don't know if this is because
She really IS THAT great
Or because I learned to let go
That I didn't need to escape
If my reality really was that good
--
This is strange
How writing this helps me
It is probably
Too much to post
But I should do it anyway
Just to remind me
How far I will have come
From the time these were written
--
A thought
What if this experience
Just sticks
In the back of her mind
And prevents her
From ever feeling content
With me again
Even though
She can't find a way
To truly blame me for it?
--
She's so beautiful
In ways she'll never know
Inside and out
But at least on the outside
We got a beautiful picture
That I'll probably never see
I won't get to keep it with me
It was so great.
--
"There IS no beer"
12-21-2006