mxv

So I've been thinking it's not really THAT big a deal.


Once I got to work yesterday and started my proper day, my fears just seemed to change. It's amazing what can happen when your brain is processing better and the anxieties aren't so strong. For a little while, it was like I wasn't afraid at ALL.


As in so she's got a friend. If he starts getting too clingy or inappropriate or whatever, we'll just tell him to back the fuck off. That's not so hard at all, really.

And the other guy well, I still think it's awkward because I still don't feel like meeting any guy who's done things to my girlfriend, and the thought of her hanging with him still is honestly a bit tweaking to me. But if for some strange reason it's not weird for her, well good for her then. It's one of those things that I'll get over better and better with time.


I can probably take my own fears on well enough which only leaves HERS. And what can I do about those? She doesn't want to wait until she's sorted herself out, so I guess she just needs to sort it out THIS way. Very well.



There was a thought I had yesterday; maybe not so much of a real worry as just something that I felt the need to post up here. I mentioned before how I'm also a flirty person, but it's a little different because I know that I'm not actually being tempted. Well there's something else as well that may be different.

See, there's different types of flirting. What I do is the more "Hey now I know I'm hot and all, but you gotta keep your hormones under control" or "Look at you, all coming onto another chick's man. I'm so disappointed"

Things somewhat along those lines. Shut up, they work well in the actual situations.

But it's not like someone makes a suggestive thought to me and I go "Well [sly look] *maybe*"

See, that's a lead-on. I'll flip M off and she'll just shoot out "Is that a threat or a promise?" That one's a bit on the fence. I wouldn't want her saying that to some other guy (though I love when she says it to me), but she very likely just throws it out there without really thinking about what she's saying. I don't know; I'm not another guy.


It's kinda like the sexual talk. How she throws things out there kinda casually that to a GUY comes off as a huge attraction. I don't know that she's thought about this. I wonder if she'd tell the guy at work that she had sex with the other guy she's hanging out with today.

I wonder how well she can turn off that side of herself to the guy she actually did have sex with before. See, these thoughts get under my skin a little bit and crawl around, but I'm not going to feel like I'm taking her friends away, and still, these fears are quite a bit from my own anxiety.


And yes, there are the comments M has made. Seriously, until then, it wasn't such a problem. But if she doubts herself you know. But what is my worrying about it now going to accomplish?

Nothing. So that's all there is to it.



What I can say, though, is that I miss her a LOT right now. So much. I sent her an email, I think it was yesterday but it might have been the night before, saying that as far as I know, she's going to be busy yesterday and today, so I guess I'd talk to her Tuesday.

But that doesn't mean that I didn't really WANT to hear from her. I know if she's busy, then what can she do, but still, I miss her. I checked my phone messages last night, and I saw that there was a new voice mail message. I got a little excited, because I just get those happy feelings when I'm with M

I went to retrieve it, and the phone plays messages that it has to delete first. THREE of them even (that's a first). They were all from M, leaving the sweetest messages ever. She couldn't hear me, but I didn't care. While hearing these, I said "I love you so much". And it's so fucking true.

I had to delete those messages, but I'll carry them with me in my heart for as long as I can.


The new voice mail message was just my mom wondering if I had the phone on me. What a letdown; I was all thinking M was going to say "call me back" or whatever. I checked my email, and there's no response from her yet.


So there's a void right now. A Megan-shaped space that I won't get to fill tonight either.


How is this possible? How can I miss her THIS much? Yeah even if I wanted to, there's no turning back. I'm in love with her, and I hope she takes care of my heart because it belongs to her.

I hope it wouldn't stress her to read that. Why do I still have to be afraid?


She used to love me SO deeply, and I just wasn't there yet. Now I just want her to love me the way that I love her. Maybe she does, I don't know. But I want it. If she does, then I truly am worried about nothing.

What if my worried reactions are pushing her back? Well of course they are. But I know that they're valid, and that's why it bothers me. When I'm afraid, I just want her to hold me and tell me that there's nothing to be afraid of. Just like I do for her.



I have this little baby cow named Food staring up at me, so I should probably get going. I also have this badass Jerome Froese CD to listen to, and a speeding ticket to pay off.


I have no idea how my feelings will be tonight. If yesterday is any indication, then as soon as I really wake up I'll be fine. I'll think about M and just smile a bit. God damn that looks so fucking gay up there on the screen, but eh there it is. And of course, I'm probably not going to be able to talk to her tonight either, and I'll *REALLY* fucking miss her by then.


But I suppose that's a good thing. I always thought it was good when she missed me, because I knew that she would love it that much more when I was there. Maybe this is just a taste of what it's like. Wow what a feeling. I have to say that I still love it though, because I only miss her like this because I love her.

And maybe something else, too. Why do I need her continued attention? Do I need her validation or is it just that she's so great that I always want to wrap myself up in those feelings?

Maybe that's what loving someone who actually shares the feelings is like. DN has mentioned how I seem different. Well, part of that is likely circumstantial, but I don't doubt for a second that part of it is just because I'm in a good place right now.


I wonder where M is, in that sense. She might not even know, and thinking about it might strain her a bit. It might not even be worth her effort right now, but I'm where I am today because I have learned to just trust God (even though I was AFRAID) and follow what happened. I hope someday she can get back to this place, where she just knows that somehow, even though everything is falling all to shit around us, she'll be okay.


Okay, that's all for now. I gotta go hear this one song that you almost GOTTA like, even if you're not a Tori Amos fan.

Signing off,



-MXV