I know that it was technically today that I posted the last message, but since my schedule runs later than most, I still consider it last night.
I didn't get much sleep due to watching a movie with DN and driving his ass to a place near his job so that he could see if they had his cell phone. Blaugh.
So anyway, this might not be the best day for me to be tired. I probably won't get to talk to M today because she's hanging out with that other guy. I'm nervous and I feel like such a fucking idiot for that.
Help me, M. Help me to defeat this stupid fear head-on.
I guess I've always had the fear that anyone who finds out what I'm REALLY like will inevitably be disappointed unless maybe they're the same way and looking for someone else like that. Well, we know that people being exactly the same isn't always beneficial, and she's seen the "real" me for so long now, and she still loves me. So why do I now have this jealousy? Why does it somehow bother me if she has a good time with another guy? Well, because I'm retarded, that's why. Or maybe I'm just a geek. M said something along that line that I'm just not sure how to take. The way I overthink some of the most obscure things, though ... eh...
But the point is, I've been in a pretty good place the last entire year, with a few bumps to interrupt. I've been in a good enough place that I didn't realize that a couple issues of mine were still this strong.
We'll take care of it, though. It's only a matter of time. I don't want to try to bug M later tonight with some "Well? How did it go???" insecure bullshit like that, but soon enough, we'll talk, and it'll be fine.
Then we'll get together over part of the weekend and have a great time just being together. And that'll be one step toward the goal.
I did say something stupid to her the last time we talked. I said that I tried to not let this happen. I mean, falling for her the way that I have.
I don't know how that came across to her, though. It may have sounded like I was saying that I didn't WANT to love her, but it just kinda happened, out of my control.
Blah, fuck. I fell for her so deep because I decided that I DID want to let it happen. I tried to hold it back, eventually realized that I was failing, then made a decision. It was either let it happen, and see where it goes or else walk away and never know what might have been.
I took the first option, and I'm so very glad that I did. No looking back, because there's no need.
I remember when it used to be like this:
M: Just don't fall in love with me, okay?
MXV: (laughing) That's not going to be a problem. You forget I kool!
Everyone else had, as far as I could tell, had some MAJOR issues and latched onto her with their very lives or something.
M later bought me a sandwich, and I took the opportunity.
MXV: You know what this means? *mock sobby voice* I LOVE YOU!!!
LOL, and look now. I'm so in love with her, and it's so great. I really didn't think it would happen back then. I had no idea that she would be this fucking cool.
I just hope she's not like "Oh, great. Now he's the same as all those other geeks"
-MXV
I didn't get much sleep due to watching a movie with DN and driving his ass to a place near his job so that he could see if they had his cell phone. Blaugh.
So anyway, this might not be the best day for me to be tired. I probably won't get to talk to M today because she's hanging out with that other guy. I'm nervous and I feel like such a fucking idiot for that.
Help me, M. Help me to defeat this stupid fear head-on.
I guess I've always had the fear that anyone who finds out what I'm REALLY like will inevitably be disappointed unless maybe they're the same way and looking for someone else like that. Well, we know that people being exactly the same isn't always beneficial, and she's seen the "real" me for so long now, and she still loves me. So why do I now have this jealousy? Why does it somehow bother me if she has a good time with another guy? Well, because I'm retarded, that's why. Or maybe I'm just a geek. M said something along that line that I'm just not sure how to take. The way I overthink some of the most obscure things, though ... eh...
But the point is, I've been in a pretty good place the last entire year, with a few bumps to interrupt. I've been in a good enough place that I didn't realize that a couple issues of mine were still this strong.
We'll take care of it, though. It's only a matter of time. I don't want to try to bug M later tonight with some "Well? How did it go???" insecure bullshit like that, but soon enough, we'll talk, and it'll be fine.
Then we'll get together over part of the weekend and have a great time just being together. And that'll be one step toward the goal.
I did say something stupid to her the last time we talked. I said that I tried to not let this happen. I mean, falling for her the way that I have.
I don't know how that came across to her, though. It may have sounded like I was saying that I didn't WANT to love her, but it just kinda happened, out of my control.
Blah, fuck. I fell for her so deep because I decided that I DID want to let it happen. I tried to hold it back, eventually realized that I was failing, then made a decision. It was either let it happen, and see where it goes or else walk away and never know what might have been.
I took the first option, and I'm so very glad that I did. No looking back, because there's no need.
I remember when it used to be like this:
M: Just don't fall in love with me, okay?
MXV: (laughing) That's not going to be a problem. You forget I kool!
Everyone else had, as far as I could tell, had some MAJOR issues and latched onto her with their very lives or something.
M later bought me a sandwich, and I took the opportunity.
MXV: You know what this means? *mock sobby voice* I LOVE YOU!!!
LOL, and look now. I'm so in love with her, and it's so great. I really didn't think it would happen back then. I had no idea that she would be this fucking cool.
I just hope she's not like "Oh, great. Now he's the same as all those other geeks"
-MXV