I had the most wonderful time this weekend with Megan.
How else can I say it? She's so fucking great, and I love her so much. We were talking about the different ways sex can be between people (marriage only; between someone you love; casual social activity), and she said that THIS is the way that it should be. With me, because she loves me.
I loved hearing that so much. Maybe she's really becoming stronger by now.
I feel so free with her, like I could just pour out anything I wanted, and she'd think no less of me for it. I hope she feels the same way. Showing her "my world" is a little slow still, but not because she doesn't want to know. It's more because we're focused on so many other things, and she's had more drama/relationships/wild random experiences to talk about.
I don't want to go into explicit detail about all the things we did together or the shopping we did, but I will say that I will keep it with me forever. I don't think I've ever loved a girl the way I love her. It's so much more REAL with her and not just because she returns the same level of feeling. Because she has more to offer than anyone else.
She doesn't seem to realize (still) just how beautiful of a creature she really is. But hey, I'm working on it. I still haven't actually made her say that she was beautiful at a certain time when it would really matter to herself, but I'll change that as soon as I can as well.
This is such a strange place for me. I'm happy. But that's just the thing; I'm NEVER happy. I just delude myself enough into believing that I'm happy (because, after all, I'm not particularly UNHAPPY most of the time) because that makes me SORT OF happy. But she makes me REALLY happy, to the point where it tweaks my stomach just a little now when we have to part ways.
I'm not sure if that's the only reason, though. The happier I get, the deeper I fall for her, and the more afraid I get as well.
I strongly believe that it would be wrong to restrict her friendships with other guys, even if she's slept with them before, and even with her inner difficulty in just being with one person.
I've made a recommendation (which I *REALLY* believe) that she not go into topics that deal with her and sex with guys she's not wanting to send out "available" signals to because when she does it, it REALLY conveys a "come and get me" theme. Things like how she USUALLY doesn't have real relationships, or especially specifics of things she's done with other guys. The way she does it practically guarantees sexual frustration if she's not wanting to invite sex from other guys. She said she'd have to keep this in mind, and I don't think it was an "I'll think about it" so much as an "I'll try to remember that", because I'm not sure she's ever been aware of just how strong her sexual signals are.
So this helps, I guess, that M isn't going to try to up the flirty ante. But she's still a flirt, and she's still hanging out with guys who we already know want her. And I'm not going to try to stop her. She needs her friends, even though it sucks that this is the limited selection that she has at her disposal most of the time.
I'm a bit of a flirt too. And anyone who knows me will know my thoughts on double standards. But there is a bit of a difference in my opinion, only because I KNOW that I only want her, and she still has (as far as I can tell, because she can't say otherwise) a little bit of an argument. She's not as sure as I am, and what else can I do but be a little afraid?
I can't keep telling her this, though. And that's the thing that gets me. I do in fact have a bit of insecurity, and the fact that I'm not going to try to restrict her friendships proves that I'm taking the step of faith with her. I'm showing her the trust, because the only way you can ever trust someone is if you give them the power to hurt you. If you won't ALLOW them the ability to potentially hurt you, then all your words are for nothing.
But there's still a definite fear. If only she could say that she didn't think of these other guys like that. But she can't. I can say straight out that I don't want any other girls. I don't care if they're cute, or lonely, or if they flirt with me. Because I love Megan, and that's all there is to it. I'm not afraid to be with her.
So yeah, I'm taking the step, because that's what I have to do in order to confront my fears and face them outright. I keep saying how M needs to face things, and here I am, having to do the same. It's kinda like the "leap of faith" they tell you to make for Jesus. And it's actually true. You can't SEE and TEST his presence, so you have to just jump, and hope that he catches you.
Well I need her to catch me now, so badly I can't explain it. It's scary for me to be so happy, and my mind will find things to focus its fear on.
But on this one, I need her to be strong so that I can overcome it. I'm not sure that she's ready to do that yet, though. She needs ME to be strong, but she's going through a phase of self re-analysis now, and can't handle trying to be strong for ME. And I understand that.
I just wish she was able to go through this period BEFORE hanging out with other guys like this. The guy at her job I know that her intentions are good, and that should be enough. But eventually I may have to talk to him in order to see where he's really at, because I'm not sure if M will do that on her own.
I know that this is a fear of mine that I need to overcome, and I also know that it's a fear of HERS as well. This means that she's going to have to be stronger in order for me to be. Is she willing to do what it takes for this to happen?
Well yes, I think she is. I'm just not sure if she would agree with herself on this when K was in more control of her thoughts. And if I were to carry on with this subject with her, it would only stress her out. She'll feel that these fears are the overriding feelings instead of the more inner ones. And I can't let that happen.
So yeah these thoughts are a little confused. I recognize that. What I'm not confused about is that I love her so much, and I don't want to be without her. It's like a line from something that I saw somewhere that has been lost in my mind.
"I can live without you. I just don't want to."
She needs me to be there for her, to be strong, and to love her. And I need her to catch me as I confront my fear.
I hope she's ready now.
-MXV
How else can I say it? She's so fucking great, and I love her so much. We were talking about the different ways sex can be between people (marriage only; between someone you love; casual social activity), and she said that THIS is the way that it should be. With me, because she loves me.
I loved hearing that so much. Maybe she's really becoming stronger by now.
I feel so free with her, like I could just pour out anything I wanted, and she'd think no less of me for it. I hope she feels the same way. Showing her "my world" is a little slow still, but not because she doesn't want to know. It's more because we're focused on so many other things, and she's had more drama/relationships/wild random experiences to talk about.
I don't want to go into explicit detail about all the things we did together or the shopping we did, but I will say that I will keep it with me forever. I don't think I've ever loved a girl the way I love her. It's so much more REAL with her and not just because she returns the same level of feeling. Because she has more to offer than anyone else.
She doesn't seem to realize (still) just how beautiful of a creature she really is. But hey, I'm working on it. I still haven't actually made her say that she was beautiful at a certain time when it would really matter to herself, but I'll change that as soon as I can as well.
This is such a strange place for me. I'm happy. But that's just the thing; I'm NEVER happy. I just delude myself enough into believing that I'm happy (because, after all, I'm not particularly UNHAPPY most of the time) because that makes me SORT OF happy. But she makes me REALLY happy, to the point where it tweaks my stomach just a little now when we have to part ways.
I'm not sure if that's the only reason, though. The happier I get, the deeper I fall for her, and the more afraid I get as well.
I strongly believe that it would be wrong to restrict her friendships with other guys, even if she's slept with them before, and even with her inner difficulty in just being with one person.
I've made a recommendation (which I *REALLY* believe) that she not go into topics that deal with her and sex with guys she's not wanting to send out "available" signals to because when she does it, it REALLY conveys a "come and get me" theme. Things like how she USUALLY doesn't have real relationships, or especially specifics of things she's done with other guys. The way she does it practically guarantees sexual frustration if she's not wanting to invite sex from other guys. She said she'd have to keep this in mind, and I don't think it was an "I'll think about it" so much as an "I'll try to remember that", because I'm not sure she's ever been aware of just how strong her sexual signals are.
So this helps, I guess, that M isn't going to try to up the flirty ante. But she's still a flirt, and she's still hanging out with guys who we already know want her. And I'm not going to try to stop her. She needs her friends, even though it sucks that this is the limited selection that she has at her disposal most of the time.
I'm a bit of a flirt too. And anyone who knows me will know my thoughts on double standards. But there is a bit of a difference in my opinion, only because I KNOW that I only want her, and she still has (as far as I can tell, because she can't say otherwise) a little bit of an argument. She's not as sure as I am, and what else can I do but be a little afraid?
I can't keep telling her this, though. And that's the thing that gets me. I do in fact have a bit of insecurity, and the fact that I'm not going to try to restrict her friendships proves that I'm taking the step of faith with her. I'm showing her the trust, because the only way you can ever trust someone is if you give them the power to hurt you. If you won't ALLOW them the ability to potentially hurt you, then all your words are for nothing.
But there's still a definite fear. If only she could say that she didn't think of these other guys like that. But she can't. I can say straight out that I don't want any other girls. I don't care if they're cute, or lonely, or if they flirt with me. Because I love Megan, and that's all there is to it. I'm not afraid to be with her.
So yeah, I'm taking the step, because that's what I have to do in order to confront my fears and face them outright. I keep saying how M needs to face things, and here I am, having to do the same. It's kinda like the "leap of faith" they tell you to make for Jesus. And it's actually true. You can't SEE and TEST his presence, so you have to just jump, and hope that he catches you.
Well I need her to catch me now, so badly I can't explain it. It's scary for me to be so happy, and my mind will find things to focus its fear on.
But on this one, I need her to be strong so that I can overcome it. I'm not sure that she's ready to do that yet, though. She needs ME to be strong, but she's going through a phase of self re-analysis now, and can't handle trying to be strong for ME. And I understand that.
I just wish she was able to go through this period BEFORE hanging out with other guys like this. The guy at her job I know that her intentions are good, and that should be enough. But eventually I may have to talk to him in order to see where he's really at, because I'm not sure if M will do that on her own.
I know that this is a fear of mine that I need to overcome, and I also know that it's a fear of HERS as well. This means that she's going to have to be stronger in order for me to be. Is she willing to do what it takes for this to happen?
Well yes, I think she is. I'm just not sure if she would agree with herself on this when K was in more control of her thoughts. And if I were to carry on with this subject with her, it would only stress her out. She'll feel that these fears are the overriding feelings instead of the more inner ones. And I can't let that happen.
So yeah these thoughts are a little confused. I recognize that. What I'm not confused about is that I love her so much, and I don't want to be without her. It's like a line from something that I saw somewhere that has been lost in my mind.
"I can live without you. I just don't want to."
She needs me to be there for her, to be strong, and to love her. And I need her to catch me as I confront my fear.
I hope she's ready now.
-MXV