I'm almost certain by now that the Dove exfoliating body wash is the true culprit of my skin irritation. I was using the bar soap of this type before, and after moving to my current location, found that there was not nearly enough water pressure to rinse properly. That sucked, and irritated my skin. Now that I've been using the sponge and body wash, I think my skin irritation was due to residual moisturizing lotion and not necessarily from the need to exfoliate more.
Well, maybe the first problem was the need to exfoliate better. The formulas are completely different between the bar and the body wash.
So anyway, I tried to rinse the body wash out of the loofah sponge, and holy CRAP, was that a pain in the ass. I ran close to 20 sinkfulls of water, and twice used another cleaner on the thing, and STILL there was a layer of wash floating on the water and thus coating the sink. Hell, if it stayed in the sponge THAT well, it's probably staying on my skin as well. Yeah, ya think?
At least the sponge doesn't FEEL all super soft anymore. But still, I took an entire shower with the sponge AFTER this, without using any cleaner. It was just supposedly going to scrub off the excess but my skin is still a little flaky today. I'll use another cleaner tonight, and I may not use the sponge at all this time.
What a pain in the ass. You may wonder why the fuck it matters THIS much until I explain that last night, even after the shower, my skin was so itchy that it was literally PAINFUL. It was painful to lay still and try to sleep. The shower helped a little, and I hope the one I take next will help a little more but DAMN that sucked. Not being able to go to sleep until after 6am just because your skin wouldn't allow it.
I gotta figure out how to stop this.
Anyway, I eventually WAS able to sleep after I decided to just LET it hurt for a while as I laid there. The mind, as I try to tell M on occasion, has abilities to allow one's self to be in a better or worse place based on what the subconscious is trained to accept from itself.
I have learned that I have a lot more control over myself than I thought, because I decided to tell myself that I wasn't going to TOLERATE my lapses of clarity as easily as I had been used to.
I don't know if this played much of a role last night, but the fact that I just allowed myself to hurt a bit see, the brain sometimes will stop registering a problem once it's obvious that you're not going to do anything about it. Eventually, the pain subsided and I was able to get to sleep.
But fuck, that still wasn't a whole lot of FUN. Seriously.
And I REALLY don't want to be like that on THURSDAY night, which, barring a big change of plans, should be pretty great.
Okay, I should bring up what happened with M.
Once I actually SAW her again I mean, I was all worried about what level of re-examination she was going to want to do, or how hurt she really was, or if she really thought that our relationship was somehow unhealthy for her at this time
But that just wasn't there. She was happy enough to see me, and I didn't quite know how to take this.
The difference was, she was in a much clearer state of mind (go fucking FIGURE, MXV), and recognized that she had pretty well hurt me as well. She told me not to even worry about the way I had handled it, and even said that she was being a "complete bitch" when she said those other things before.
WOW. It wasn't easy to just let it go, though. I mean, I tried (and of course, we talked a little about it, so it wasn't like "Oh, just drop it" or anything), but I was all in a state of bracing for impact, and then that happened. I didn't know if she was going to want out, or if she was going to say things that told me that *I* needed to get out, or what.
But what I did fully realize, was where I was, personally, when it came to how I really feel about M.
See, I have a VERY long fuse when it comes to relationships. I've developed that because of what I've seen in girls overall. It takes me a long time to really feel that it's OKAY to love a girl. It's like there's a certain point of no return for me in that regard.
Up to a certain point, I can separate myself from my situation, and walk away if necessary without any really big reeling withdrawal effects. I am very hesitant to let myself cross that line, because I know what's happened every time, and I don't want to go through that again.
But this case is so weird. M "broke the rules" first by falling for me, and for a long time I had to be the one to keep myself disconnected a bit, for both of our own good. And then came a time when I realized that I couldn't carry on without the strings anymore.
I knew that I loved her by then, but I still felt that I COULD break away if I had to, without it totally affecting me. The first note that I posted here presented a sort of crossroads for me, even though the end result of that was still a surprise to me. We still had the issue where we'd get all annoyed for no good reason way back in that day, and our interactions on the 11th were a bit of a test. But everything went so fucking great I didn't even "tell" myself that it was okay to cross that line that day; it just happened. It's like, I loved her before that point, but right then, I crossed the point. I felt it, and believe it or not, it felt great.
So last week when I was stressing, I was all set for things to end pretty quickly. And when they went great again, I inadvertently went even deeper. My stressing stresses M out, and when she feels stressed by me, she doesn't want to continue. That is still on my mind a bit, because I don't want to cause this (as counterproductive as thinking about the spectre of stressing out over something might seem), but once again, I'm in a pretty great place. This is such an adventure for me, and as things are looking pretty good, it just makes me ... dare I say ... excited to be with her. I mean, beyond the fact that I look forward to seeing her all the time, in general, there's a little bit of "yay" behind the "fucking SHIT!" of normal life. We're pretty great vacations for each other most of the time.
We still each have our fears, though. I am right out front, declaring that I will not let my fears get the best of me. I don't think M is in a state of mind just yet to take that strong of a stance, but when she's not half asleep, she does pretty well too. We each know that the other has inner fears, and I say that the trick is to make sure that we don't allow those fears to dominate over the rest of our minds.
This might seem like pretty "no shit" stuff here, but a lot of people don't know how to face these fears. I had a dream that M told me that she snuggled up to some other guy, and when I said that this wasn't cool and needed to stop, she told me that she wasn't GOING to stop. In the dream, I had to break up with her right then then I started reacting from it. I was shaking a little bit and I should explain that. You know how, in your dreams, your emotions are somehow really heightened, and you act out in much stronger ways than you would in reality? Some little thing happens and you totally freak over them. Well, in THIS case, I acted about the way I think I really would, until the shaking. It would have been noticeable to anyone looking at me that I was not doing too great. Now, this was a dream, so those types of exaggerations happen. But she just kinda carried on like nothing had happened.
I guess this is sorta like those dreams I used to have where David would be a complete asshole for no reason, or that my dad would start yelling at me like a madman for no apparent reason. I don't actually THINK that this type of thing is going to happen, but there is an inner part of me that is just afraid, and denying that won't accomplish anything.
How did that fear get there? Well I've been kinda conditioned to expect to be hurt by others. Just like how M is afraid of being abandoned, only not to as great of an effect as with her. It's so hard for her to open up to a real emotional closeness with someone because of these things; in fact, she STILL has a bit of a defensive thought that she should get out now before things end up hurting us worse. Not that she doesn't want to be with me, but it's the inner conflict because we're USED to being alone. When we're alone, we at least have the CONTROL.
In addition to the conditioning, I am by far closer to M than any other chick before, so that adds an extra element to it. And she DID say a few things that, honestly, were scary to hear when you're not knowing where the other person is coming from.
The consequences are that I went from being pretty disconnected, and just playing around, seeing where things went (and not expecting them to go much of anywhere), to being quite pleasantly surprised when they DID go somewhere, and then also breaking the "rules" by falling in love with her.
Even as I waited last Thursday to see how our potential end would play out, I knew that whatever happened, it was WORTH it to have what we shared (and, thankfully, still do share). Even then, in that circumstance, I knew that. I've never been really loved by another girl before, partly because I was never in a state to allow it to happen, and partly because, well, M is just really fucking great.
She thinks she's just a normal everyday bitch. She thinks she's going to hurt me, to such an extent that she battles with the idea that she SHOULD LEAVE just to spare me the drama later on.
No, M, you're so much more than you realize. You're confused, sure. But I know that. I see the real you beneath all of that, and you're so beautiful. You're starting to see it too, even if you don't fully realize it yet.
And although I started out as the disconnected badass, and I now have done what I said I wasn't going to do (in all fairness, it took quite a bit of doing, and it only happened after M told me that it was "okay"), I still know that in the end, I am only going to be better because of what we share now.
I've been convinced for a little while now that M showed up in my life at exactly the right time. I may not know all the workings of this, but I know that it's true for a couple reasons. And although M might not agree with this just yet, I think that I probably also came into HER life at just the right time. It's true that I'm still learning how to deal with some of her mood shifts or whatever, and maybe someone like Stephane wouldn't even BOTHER dealing with them but here I am, understanding her a little better all the time. And hopefully, not stressing her out at the wrong times either. Not like stress ever comes at the RIGHT time, but you know
Who knows what will come of all this. But you know? I don't feel like thinking about all the POTENTIAL negatives; I'd rather see what's great about what is here, and let that be my focus instead of how fucked up the world may be.
M was talking about this really amusing old lady at Wal-Mart. Why was she so amusing? Because she was a fucking idiot. There ya go. I'd rather take pleasure in other people's stupidity than be pissed off about every damned little thing that goes wrong.
M seems to be helping here as well. It was on her sister's advice, but still, she told me in advance about a planned hangout with the guy at her job. As much as I might think I shouldn't need it, like any other human being with a heart and a soul, I need the honesty.
Why did I just say that I shouldn't need it? The answer is because I want to be independent of needing anyone else's validation. I finally learned how to be okay on my own, and I don't like the idea of sliding into dependence like that. And also because M is worried still (though maybe it's not on the surface; it's one of her deep, inner fears and I'm not sure if it's caused by my reactions or by her own questions about herself) that maybe I don't really trust her.
But the honesty helps. Actually, it's the cure to any trust issues. So many people out there have troubles with this, when all it REALLY comes down to is a decision that you make to tell the person you're with about anything at all. That's still a little difficult for M to do, because it opens her up to damage but she's doing quite well given that fear.
See, it's the very act of opening yourself up for things like this that allow the positive aspects to come through. Actually, that may not be the best way of looking at it. When you allow yourself to be really close to someone, the SIDE EFFECT is that it allows them to hurt you. It is overcoming this fear that makes it all special.
I love her, and I know that she can hurt me. That's how I trust HER. I give her that ability and wait to see what she will do with it. Not like a test or anything, it's just the side-effect. But even as a side-effect, the fact that it makes it all the more special means that, if done right, it may not be a side-effect at all, but part of the wonderful whole.
God, I look like a fucking faggot typing that here. Hopefully I can stop posting dramatic sap like this after this post
But I've always felt the way I described. I've always wanted to be with someone who I felt like I could hand over those keys, and feel safe.
Let's go make M feel safe.
We have a great time planned for Thursday/Friday let's just be together, and let's enjoy life. That's what's so great about what we have; 90% of the time, we're just enjoying life together, and it's great.
I'm in a pretty good place right now, and although there are still things pissing me off (like the fucking body wash), overall the past couple months have been so great, I can deal with some discomfort from time to time.
Until next time, muthafukkas!
-MXV
Well, maybe the first problem was the need to exfoliate better. The formulas are completely different between the bar and the body wash.
So anyway, I tried to rinse the body wash out of the loofah sponge, and holy CRAP, was that a pain in the ass. I ran close to 20 sinkfulls of water, and twice used another cleaner on the thing, and STILL there was a layer of wash floating on the water and thus coating the sink. Hell, if it stayed in the sponge THAT well, it's probably staying on my skin as well. Yeah, ya think?
At least the sponge doesn't FEEL all super soft anymore. But still, I took an entire shower with the sponge AFTER this, without using any cleaner. It was just supposedly going to scrub off the excess but my skin is still a little flaky today. I'll use another cleaner tonight, and I may not use the sponge at all this time.
What a pain in the ass. You may wonder why the fuck it matters THIS much until I explain that last night, even after the shower, my skin was so itchy that it was literally PAINFUL. It was painful to lay still and try to sleep. The shower helped a little, and I hope the one I take next will help a little more but DAMN that sucked. Not being able to go to sleep until after 6am just because your skin wouldn't allow it.
I gotta figure out how to stop this.
Anyway, I eventually WAS able to sleep after I decided to just LET it hurt for a while as I laid there. The mind, as I try to tell M on occasion, has abilities to allow one's self to be in a better or worse place based on what the subconscious is trained to accept from itself.
I have learned that I have a lot more control over myself than I thought, because I decided to tell myself that I wasn't going to TOLERATE my lapses of clarity as easily as I had been used to.
I don't know if this played much of a role last night, but the fact that I just allowed myself to hurt a bit see, the brain sometimes will stop registering a problem once it's obvious that you're not going to do anything about it. Eventually, the pain subsided and I was able to get to sleep.
But fuck, that still wasn't a whole lot of FUN. Seriously.
And I REALLY don't want to be like that on THURSDAY night, which, barring a big change of plans, should be pretty great.
Okay, I should bring up what happened with M.
Once I actually SAW her again I mean, I was all worried about what level of re-examination she was going to want to do, or how hurt she really was, or if she really thought that our relationship was somehow unhealthy for her at this time
But that just wasn't there. She was happy enough to see me, and I didn't quite know how to take this.
The difference was, she was in a much clearer state of mind (go fucking FIGURE, MXV), and recognized that she had pretty well hurt me as well. She told me not to even worry about the way I had handled it, and even said that she was being a "complete bitch" when she said those other things before.
WOW. It wasn't easy to just let it go, though. I mean, I tried (and of course, we talked a little about it, so it wasn't like "Oh, just drop it" or anything), but I was all in a state of bracing for impact, and then that happened. I didn't know if she was going to want out, or if she was going to say things that told me that *I* needed to get out, or what.
But what I did fully realize, was where I was, personally, when it came to how I really feel about M.
See, I have a VERY long fuse when it comes to relationships. I've developed that because of what I've seen in girls overall. It takes me a long time to really feel that it's OKAY to love a girl. It's like there's a certain point of no return for me in that regard.
Up to a certain point, I can separate myself from my situation, and walk away if necessary without any really big reeling withdrawal effects. I am very hesitant to let myself cross that line, because I know what's happened every time, and I don't want to go through that again.
But this case is so weird. M "broke the rules" first by falling for me, and for a long time I had to be the one to keep myself disconnected a bit, for both of our own good. And then came a time when I realized that I couldn't carry on without the strings anymore.
I knew that I loved her by then, but I still felt that I COULD break away if I had to, without it totally affecting me. The first note that I posted here presented a sort of crossroads for me, even though the end result of that was still a surprise to me. We still had the issue where we'd get all annoyed for no good reason way back in that day, and our interactions on the 11th were a bit of a test. But everything went so fucking great I didn't even "tell" myself that it was okay to cross that line that day; it just happened. It's like, I loved her before that point, but right then, I crossed the point. I felt it, and believe it or not, it felt great.
So last week when I was stressing, I was all set for things to end pretty quickly. And when they went great again, I inadvertently went even deeper. My stressing stresses M out, and when she feels stressed by me, she doesn't want to continue. That is still on my mind a bit, because I don't want to cause this (as counterproductive as thinking about the spectre of stressing out over something might seem), but once again, I'm in a pretty great place. This is such an adventure for me, and as things are looking pretty good, it just makes me ... dare I say ... excited to be with her. I mean, beyond the fact that I look forward to seeing her all the time, in general, there's a little bit of "yay" behind the "fucking SHIT!" of normal life. We're pretty great vacations for each other most of the time.
We still each have our fears, though. I am right out front, declaring that I will not let my fears get the best of me. I don't think M is in a state of mind just yet to take that strong of a stance, but when she's not half asleep, she does pretty well too. We each know that the other has inner fears, and I say that the trick is to make sure that we don't allow those fears to dominate over the rest of our minds.
This might seem like pretty "no shit" stuff here, but a lot of people don't know how to face these fears. I had a dream that M told me that she snuggled up to some other guy, and when I said that this wasn't cool and needed to stop, she told me that she wasn't GOING to stop. In the dream, I had to break up with her right then then I started reacting from it. I was shaking a little bit and I should explain that. You know how, in your dreams, your emotions are somehow really heightened, and you act out in much stronger ways than you would in reality? Some little thing happens and you totally freak over them. Well, in THIS case, I acted about the way I think I really would, until the shaking. It would have been noticeable to anyone looking at me that I was not doing too great. Now, this was a dream, so those types of exaggerations happen. But she just kinda carried on like nothing had happened.
I guess this is sorta like those dreams I used to have where David would be a complete asshole for no reason, or that my dad would start yelling at me like a madman for no apparent reason. I don't actually THINK that this type of thing is going to happen, but there is an inner part of me that is just afraid, and denying that won't accomplish anything.
How did that fear get there? Well I've been kinda conditioned to expect to be hurt by others. Just like how M is afraid of being abandoned, only not to as great of an effect as with her. It's so hard for her to open up to a real emotional closeness with someone because of these things; in fact, she STILL has a bit of a defensive thought that she should get out now before things end up hurting us worse. Not that she doesn't want to be with me, but it's the inner conflict because we're USED to being alone. When we're alone, we at least have the CONTROL.
In addition to the conditioning, I am by far closer to M than any other chick before, so that adds an extra element to it. And she DID say a few things that, honestly, were scary to hear when you're not knowing where the other person is coming from.
The consequences are that I went from being pretty disconnected, and just playing around, seeing where things went (and not expecting them to go much of anywhere), to being quite pleasantly surprised when they DID go somewhere, and then also breaking the "rules" by falling in love with her.
Even as I waited last Thursday to see how our potential end would play out, I knew that whatever happened, it was WORTH it to have what we shared (and, thankfully, still do share). Even then, in that circumstance, I knew that. I've never been really loved by another girl before, partly because I was never in a state to allow it to happen, and partly because, well, M is just really fucking great.
She thinks she's just a normal everyday bitch. She thinks she's going to hurt me, to such an extent that she battles with the idea that she SHOULD LEAVE just to spare me the drama later on.
No, M, you're so much more than you realize. You're confused, sure. But I know that. I see the real you beneath all of that, and you're so beautiful. You're starting to see it too, even if you don't fully realize it yet.
And although I started out as the disconnected badass, and I now have done what I said I wasn't going to do (in all fairness, it took quite a bit of doing, and it only happened after M told me that it was "okay"), I still know that in the end, I am only going to be better because of what we share now.
I've been convinced for a little while now that M showed up in my life at exactly the right time. I may not know all the workings of this, but I know that it's true for a couple reasons. And although M might not agree with this just yet, I think that I probably also came into HER life at just the right time. It's true that I'm still learning how to deal with some of her mood shifts or whatever, and maybe someone like Stephane wouldn't even BOTHER dealing with them but here I am, understanding her a little better all the time. And hopefully, not stressing her out at the wrong times either. Not like stress ever comes at the RIGHT time, but you know
Who knows what will come of all this. But you know? I don't feel like thinking about all the POTENTIAL negatives; I'd rather see what's great about what is here, and let that be my focus instead of how fucked up the world may be.
M was talking about this really amusing old lady at Wal-Mart. Why was she so amusing? Because she was a fucking idiot. There ya go. I'd rather take pleasure in other people's stupidity than be pissed off about every damned little thing that goes wrong.
M seems to be helping here as well. It was on her sister's advice, but still, she told me in advance about a planned hangout with the guy at her job. As much as I might think I shouldn't need it, like any other human being with a heart and a soul, I need the honesty.
Why did I just say that I shouldn't need it? The answer is because I want to be independent of needing anyone else's validation. I finally learned how to be okay on my own, and I don't like the idea of sliding into dependence like that. And also because M is worried still (though maybe it's not on the surface; it's one of her deep, inner fears and I'm not sure if it's caused by my reactions or by her own questions about herself) that maybe I don't really trust her.
But the honesty helps. Actually, it's the cure to any trust issues. So many people out there have troubles with this, when all it REALLY comes down to is a decision that you make to tell the person you're with about anything at all. That's still a little difficult for M to do, because it opens her up to damage but she's doing quite well given that fear.
See, it's the very act of opening yourself up for things like this that allow the positive aspects to come through. Actually, that may not be the best way of looking at it. When you allow yourself to be really close to someone, the SIDE EFFECT is that it allows them to hurt you. It is overcoming this fear that makes it all special.
I love her, and I know that she can hurt me. That's how I trust HER. I give her that ability and wait to see what she will do with it. Not like a test or anything, it's just the side-effect. But even as a side-effect, the fact that it makes it all the more special means that, if done right, it may not be a side-effect at all, but part of the wonderful whole.
God, I look like a fucking faggot typing that here. Hopefully I can stop posting dramatic sap like this after this post
But I've always felt the way I described. I've always wanted to be with someone who I felt like I could hand over those keys, and feel safe.
Let's go make M feel safe.
We have a great time planned for Thursday/Friday let's just be together, and let's enjoy life. That's what's so great about what we have; 90% of the time, we're just enjoying life together, and it's great.
I'm in a pretty good place right now, and although there are still things pissing me off (like the fucking body wash), overall the past couple months have been so great, I can deal with some discomfort from time to time.
Until next time, muthafukkas!
-MXV