mxv

Oh, my God. We're barely hanging on.



I love her so much. This is the first time in years that I've actually loved someone like I do her, and by now it's so much deeper with her then it's been with anyone before.


She thinks that I don't really want to be with her. I can't understand that, but she does.



I shouldn't have sent her here tonight. I shouldn't have told her to read it, and opened up this bigass can of worms when she was trying to fucking sleep.


I'm such a fucking idiot for this. I stressed her the fuck out, and it hurt her.


She thinks that I don't trust her. I was just confused as fuck by what she said. I'm so glad that she's been telling me things, and now she's going to be afraid. What she told me before sure sounded bad at the time, but the way I handled it was actually worse. Wow.


She did clarify a few things for me that, had I known before, might have prevented that rant session that I just posted a couple hours ago. But it took her so LONG before she would do that.


I didn't understand why at the time. Why she wouldn't just tell me.


I understand now. She was hurt. I totally, completely wasn't trying to, but I hurt her pretty badly just then.



That's what I get for calling my chick at 1am, finding her all happy to hear from me, and then doing this fucking bullshit to her. It's what I fucking get.




I want to trust her. I want to love her without feeling like there are any barriers between us. The sucky thing is, she placed this one barrier there. But she wasn't trying to. She didn't even know that it WAS there until I slapped her in the face with it like a fucking cockhole.

She told me because she saw it as a personal problem that she wanted me to be aware of. So I freaked out. Justifiably, maybe, but I freaked on her when she just wanted me to know her inner issues.



I didn't see it like that before.

Now, she's afraid to see me again. Like, she really wants to, but she thinks I don't trust her, and that I don't want to be with her. She's said that I CAN see her, but she's really not sure if it'll be healthy or not.

She's afraid that I'll grill her. And right now, that actually won't help her at all. Especially with the turmoil state she's in.



But if I don't see her, something tells me that'll be it. She'll hurt because of that, and she won't want to do this anymore. As for the conversation we had, she doesn't want to do THAT anymore, and she's made that clear. And I don't want to either.


She just confuses me so much at times. I was hurt and confused. And in trying to see where she really stood, all I did was hurt and confuse HER.



See what we've gotten ourselves into?


I still thank God for every day that I have her. And I don't think it's unhealthy for me. I'm not afraid to see her.



And yet she is.

Afraid.

Of me.



I can't tell you how much that hurts. What's worse is, I can't point the finger at her for this one. I caused this by the way I presented my concern. I did it.


I get all bent out of shape, and then I BEND HER out of shape, when she WAS FINE before I did that.

SHE WAS FINE! Even HAPPY to hear from me! Talking all sweet and shit. And look what I did.


What the fuck is wrong with me?


I just went back to my email account. I can't just post this here; I need to send some little note to her directly. Know what I saw there? An old message that reads "i miss you". That shows so much right there. Every time I call her, she says that. She just wants to love me. She starts to allow me to really love her, then *BAM*! She gets hit with she doesn't exactly know what.



I can understand her hesitation. At this rate, I will be the one that destroys us.
God, that hurts to see that on the screen.




-MXV