Things have been pretty great for me the last week or so. I have some new Tangerine Dream CDs, one of which is particularly good. I just found out that there will most likely NOT be a settlement of 2.7 million to Tennie Pierce, which added to the cancellation of the OJ Simpson special, proves that there is still a little bit of sanity left in the world. The fact that these were issues at ALL is still something, but the point is that not everything is necessarily so bad.
These were my feelings when I was with M this last time, and the couple times before that as well. She makes me happier than I've been in a long time.
I'm having to delete some voice mail messages from her because the phone just will not store them for long enough. She doesn't understand why I would want to save them. She doesn't get it. I love her, and I cherish every minute I have with her. And I want to save it; I want to keep it with me. Because what if my fears come true? They always have before.
And just when I'm starting to think that everything really IS great, she goes and scares the fuck out of me.
See, I'm very slow to allow myself to love someone, and letting someone really love ME hasn't even been an issue. But nothing hurts worse than being scared, then being relieved, then being scared again. That second drop just kills.
There is something I should mention. She's not to hot on my thing of coming up with alternate names for people. There's something wrong with her, I guess. Hell, I dunno. I think she's just afraid that I'm like some other guys she's known (or been with maybe) before. Apparently, there are asshole guys who go around not disclosing people's full names because they're trying to HIDE them from other girls they may want to pick up. While the thought of me doing that is absurd, I'll still say it.
MEGAN. There. Hell, I have to remind a couple people at work of her name enough times, too. "Are you bringing what's her name to the party?" Fucking Arcaro.
See, I use these names more for reasons of protection and etiquette. I'm not sure if she even got the point of the other names (Lysani, for example), but whatever. Her name is Megan, she's my girlfriend until she lets herself believe that she's destined to fuck us up, and I love her.
Unfortunately, I've been staying up too late talking with her (actually, a pretty engaging conversation for some of the last one; it was a little stressful at first but ended up being pretty good), and her dad, who I'm TRYING to work for as well, thinks that I don't really want to do the work. Fucking shit, it's the fact that I can't get up early enough, and when I AM up, D and T are always going on about some stupid little thing.
But whatever. M is apparently going through a period of depressive conflict in her own mind right now. Hell, she even called me to "warn" me about it. So some of the events that follow should be read with this in mind.
One thing that does bug me about this, though, is that she just about refuses to help herself think properly while she's going through this shit. She seems to think that an amino acid supplement is some sort of drug. Fuck, dude, it's just like the vitamins you get in your food. It's the same thing as taking Vitamin C to help your immune system.
Later on, she'll say that she doesn't want to put ME through her turmoil. But she doesn't want to HELP it any by giving her brain the ability to track more properly. I just don't get it. It's not the expense that is her objection, but the fact that she thinks she'd be using something as a crutch. Shit, it's like FOOD. Food isn't a crutch; it would actually be taking a little bit of CONTROL to say "Okay, I'm going through this now, but the thing is, I'm not thinking as clearly as I should. Let's help that out a little, so that I can figure this out a little faster, and with less highs and lows in the process".
But no. She's putting us all through it.
Actually, I should mention that it's only been apparent a few times that there's been any kind of issue. She seems fine most of the time. But when they DO come up M seems to fade away for a minute while K takes over control. And this is, simply put, the most dangerous thing facing M right now.
A few days ago, right before our last visit, she made a comment about how she felt like she had fucked up by getting into a relationship with me. All of this will lead to a point; it's necessary back story for the real issue I'll get to as soon as I can. Anyway, she MEANT that she fucked up because she recognizes that she's not completely emotionally ready for this yet, and she's afraid of fucking us up because of that. This was when she said that she didn't want to put me through "it" ("it" meaning her emotional BS that she has to deal with right now as she figures a couple somewhat intangible things out in her mind).
But what did it sound like? Keep in mind that she was a little mad at the time because she thought that I had just rudely hung up on her, and would not clarify for a while that she still even wanted to BE with me (of course, she admitted later to freaking out over a relatively small deal). She kept saying "I don't know" to whether we were okay or not.
Yeah, I felt it. It almost came to an end. At least, that's what I was feeling, and after just being like "wow, she's so fucking great", to THAT sucked bad. FG liked the term "fucking awesome-ass person" that I used to describe her, and thinks that he'll even use it sometime in the future. And then, when she was freaking like that, saying how she wasn't ready to handle being with me, I almost had to do it. And it HURT.
It was sorted out by her explaining what she meant (she was talking slowly, so I didn't end up letting her finish before reacting a little), and then realizing that I didn't just HANG UP and so we were fine.
She made clear that, in her own words "Of COURSE I still want you. Of COURSE I want to see you tomorrow" but it took a while for her to get to that point. It was REALLY unclear for a while just what she was trying to say when she said that she should not have become my girlfriend. I mean, what else can that mean? It was a bad idea to do that. I don't think I made the right choice.
What???
I think it is this exact kind of emotional bad reaction that she was trying to save me from.
I saw her again the next day, and it was another high again. Everything was great. So this was then twice that I thought she wasn't really wanting us to happen, with our ACTUAL interaction being super great immediately following. By super great even the other crap that was happening before the "you're attacking me" (when I know that I'm not) thing has been almost nonexistent. SHe's actually been really great in an area that was one of our biggest problems not that long ago.
But something happened that may be just the next form of this unsure energy coming out.
What makes this so different from the other things I've ranted about on here is that we actually had a proper discussion on it, and it just didn't really sink in - exactly what she really said - until later. I've given this a few days so that I could absorb it properly before posting a rant. But like some other things, this will not absorb. I am genuinely concerned, and it's not because I'm just being paranoid. I have to get this out there, and then I don't know what. But I'm starting to wonder if M is right when she says that she'll fuck this up. She keeps SAYING that she will. How can a person not do what they keep saying that they think they're going to do? You're setting yourself up for the failure by doing that.
As a little more back story, there are guys at work that she flirts around with. So, big fucking deal. She even told me that, if it weren't for me, one of the guys there would have a chance with her just because he was direct with her.
Umm okay
See, at this point, I'm just glad that she's being honest with me and telling me what's going on. She's not trying to HIDE anything, which is great. She's trying to involve me. So some things come off wrong. I have to get over my fears, right?
But she does seem to like to tell me about these things (amongst others, but you'll see the reason behind the concern in a minute). She's mentioned being "in high demand" before, but I don't take that as anything other than a playful thing.
The guy that she said would have been, maybe, the next in line if it weren't for me (always a good thing to tell your man, right?) effectively asked her out and succeeded in taking her about 40 miles or so and hanging out until 2am.
Again, not inherently a big deal as he apparently didn't "try" anything.
But wait, wait, I missed the crucial event in-between. What we talked about Sunday night.
She straight told me that she has been finding it DIFFICULT to not SLEEP WITH OTHER GUYS.
Changes the whole fucking context, doesn't it? Yeah. I thought so.
Why would anyone say such a thing to the one they're with? Why say something like this? Holy cock, man. That is telling beyond belief. If it's really true, then we truly are doomed.
She's not really used to the whole monogamous thing, right? She's used to screwing around with whoever she wants. But the thing is, all that means is that she has no self control, and that she's missing something in her life.
I am *supposed* to be that something. I guess I'm not.
Does this sound like I'm having an inferiority issue? A lack of self-confidence? Fuck that shit, my girlfriend just said that, although she made it clear that she stays with just me because she loves me, that she would IDEALLY have a loving relationship with me, and then also have meaningless, empty, fuck sessions with random other guys.
That's about the only way to take it.
Well WHY?!?!?!?!?!
She tells me that *SHE* is a jealous person. She is. And yet she wants to fuck other guys. Wait, she doesn't REALLY want to, because she loves me. But she's finding it DIFFICULT.
To call something difficult is to set the stage for an eventual failure. If it's hard, then that means that one day, she'll be feeling "weak", and she'll let it happen.
No fucking way, man. It's not hard for me, and I've established to her that my sexual drives are stronger than hers. It's not hard to stay with her exclusively at all.
And for her see, she made the point as if I should feel special that she is making such a sacrifice for me. Umm no, that is simply expected. The fact that she would even SAY these things to me indicates a definite problem. I'm just not sure what it is yet.
She couldn't tell me either. She's not into polyamory because it's the whole closeness/love connection thing that is so hard for her.
And yet, it's the reason she does this. She'll deny that, but at other times she'll admit it. See, she has these urges to have pointless, empty fuck sessions with other guys and yet, according to her, it's not really the physical things that turn her on. A bit of a contradiction there, but all I can take from it is that she's just HORNY.
So? Go masturbate like the rest of us. And if it's really *THAT* bad, tell me that. I'll figure something out.
She mentioned going 3 months without sex as though it were some kind of achievement, but then said that she wasn't about to try something like that again. As if she didn't think she could do it. The only thing I can think to call this is weakness. I think the girl is just sexually addicted. Which would be fine if she wanted more of *ME* but that's not what she said.
Being exclusive to me was the difficult thing.
Let's plug that into the context when we consider the other things that she tells me about other guys. All of a sudden, those "no big deal" things become a big deal indeed.
It's not the guys themselves that are the issue (although a little part of me does want to smack this one around a bit because of my male feelings toward M) it's her inner demons that are the issue.
She's basically implying that she is capable of cheating on me. That's the only way that I can think to interpret this.
There's a pretty simple decision for her: Have something that matters with someone that loves you, or slut around. She doesn't like the slut word, but the thing is, if she's really finding it difficult to just be with me, then she is facing that demon. To be a slut or not to be one. I don't think she DOES, and for now, she isn't one.
Also, it should be noted that for HER to consider a girl a slut, they have to be *REALLY* bad. She has good reason to believe (through a connection that most likely does know) that Paris Hilton gets a new guy about every week.
She doesn't think this makes Paris a slut.
What the fuck? Sure it does. And a pretty fucking major one at that.
The issue that most guys are a little slutty (just without the same ability to act on it, which again M disagreed with but it's been documented quite well in my opinion) doesn't change that.
But even then, most guys can be with just one girl. It's only the "out there" ones who have to cheat.
I just don't know what to make of this.
Is she really trying to sabotage it? I don't know. If K is behind this conversation, then yes, probably so. I just hope she doesn't succeed.
I think she is just in denial about how much damage there really is behind her happy, playful exterior.
She mentioned "looking for Howard" and tried to explain the reference. There was only one thing that I could get from that.
She is looking for *HERSELF* and she thinks that she will find it in everyone else.
She will surely not find it if she chooses this path. If I can't help her (which perhaps I can just a little, though really most of it will have to be done for herself), then 2-way masturbating with other guys is going to do it???
No, she's just confused, and a little lost.
Why does it have to be sexual even? I mean, with other people. Is she so used to having sex with her friends that the only way she THINKS she can be close to a guy or even get to know him as a friend is to have sex with him? Is this really just a part of the friendship thing with her?
If so then what does that say?
She has said before that, for her, sex always ends up fucking things up. Bullshit. Sex doesn't fuck anything up, USING sex as a TOOL is what fucks things up.
See, right now, she knows that I'm a little bit paranoid, and her recent comments don't really help me with that. In fact, it's very possible that a part of her is using that to her advantage over me. The reason I don't know if we'd survive a "break" for her to figure some things out, is that I know she wouldn't really do it on her own. She'd convince herself that I was gone, fuck some idiot, and then feel shitty about it.
Maybe she throws this shit at me to try to hold me closer? Hell, I don't know. It DOES concern me, but ultimately it will only drive me away.
I mean, yeah, I need her to be honest with me about all this shit, but if she really is THAT lost so that she can actually find it HARD to resist a hollow "get off" session with some other guy then well, how could it be true that she really loves me?
So I may not be perfect. But I'm here now, and I'm supposed to be the one to take care of her needs. She can't just AVOID other guys, and keeping her options open is not "bad" as some other guys might think. But when you combine that with the other element
What is she doing? To herself, and to me as well? The girl I love telling me this
All I can think is that there's a problem. I'm not good enough for her that she'll easily say "pshht" to other guys.
I can't believe that it's all about "playing the field". She's done this, and still not found the answers she's looking for. Doing it more isn't going to change that. The answers are within HER, not anyone else.
Something else that she says she uses sex to punish herself. Almost all the time. If I were gone, she'd go be a slut to punish herself. She said that this relationship is the ONLY one that hasn't been like that.
She's "missing" the punishment. In that sense, what if a small part of her is like the cutter who only feels justified when their blood is dripping into the sink?
She doesn't think she deserves me. Her own fears may prove her right if she doesn't decide not to allow that to happen.
And it really is as simple as that. A DECISION. Things don't just happen if you decide in advance not to allow that.
She's in a battle for her future right now, against a part of herself named Kody, that is trying to tell her that she's shit, and that she is going to destroy anything that could be great in her life. That she doesn't DESERVE love. That she'll never truly find her own way. That she needs to keep herself in the bad situation so that she doesn't feel even more depressed when she starts seeing that just maybe she *CAN* overcome it, and just hasn't for this amount of time.
But she still has to do it. Hell, I know this shit from experience. Not on the same issues, but I've had to face what I had just decided not to allow myself to believe were uncontrollable limitations.
I mean, to an extent, you have to play the cards you're given. But to decide that you've got a bad hand, so you're going to just fold? No, you can't do that. The fight is what makes your life worth something.
I'm just not sure how dedicated she is to this fight. If she IS, then I'm there with her. It's possible that, if she stays with me and truly sees for herself what I'm trying to convey here, then I might be something that helps her to figure some of her inner turmoil out. Just by my BEING here, maybe she won't lose herself like she's so used to doing.
But she has to want it. If she doesn't, there's nothing I can do.
She is fully capable of winning this battle. She CAN do it but WILL she? Is she ready to take the step and decide that she doesn't HAVE to be that person that Kody keeps trying to force her to be?
I just don't know. But now is the time for her to decide, or else I don't think there's anything I can do.
Some types of physical contact can present an illusion of closeness. But that's all it is if you don't think that you deserve the real love. An illusion. The real thing is right here. So hold on tight and don't let go. We can do this.
You do deserve me. But if you won't allow yourself to believe that, then you'll decide for yourself that you can't have something like this. But you CAN. Don't believe Kody. She doesn't love you at all; not anymore.
I wonder if she's even thought that this was K telling her these things. Using sex and jealousy as a way to control people's emotions and keep her "safe" from being hurt by the one she is so sure that she loves.
So yeah. Guys want her. I get it. She shouldn't be all that surprised by that. The question is, does SHE want something real? Or is she going to set herself up for failure? Because if she doesn't really want to be loved, then the fact is, I cannot AFFORD to love her. I can handle the inner turmoil shit she has going on right now, but her feeling like she needs to give some other guy sexual pleasure with her naked body in order to fulfill something for her ... I can't do that.
The ball is in her court. I pray that she knows what to do.
-MXV
These were my feelings when I was with M this last time, and the couple times before that as well. She makes me happier than I've been in a long time.
I'm having to delete some voice mail messages from her because the phone just will not store them for long enough. She doesn't understand why I would want to save them. She doesn't get it. I love her, and I cherish every minute I have with her. And I want to save it; I want to keep it with me. Because what if my fears come true? They always have before.
And just when I'm starting to think that everything really IS great, she goes and scares the fuck out of me.
See, I'm very slow to allow myself to love someone, and letting someone really love ME hasn't even been an issue. But nothing hurts worse than being scared, then being relieved, then being scared again. That second drop just kills.
There is something I should mention. She's not to hot on my thing of coming up with alternate names for people. There's something wrong with her, I guess. Hell, I dunno. I think she's just afraid that I'm like some other guys she's known (or been with maybe) before. Apparently, there are asshole guys who go around not disclosing people's full names because they're trying to HIDE them from other girls they may want to pick up. While the thought of me doing that is absurd, I'll still say it.
MEGAN. There. Hell, I have to remind a couple people at work of her name enough times, too. "Are you bringing what's her name to the party?" Fucking Arcaro.
See, I use these names more for reasons of protection and etiquette. I'm not sure if she even got the point of the other names (Lysani, for example), but whatever. Her name is Megan, she's my girlfriend until she lets herself believe that she's destined to fuck us up, and I love her.
Unfortunately, I've been staying up too late talking with her (actually, a pretty engaging conversation for some of the last one; it was a little stressful at first but ended up being pretty good), and her dad, who I'm TRYING to work for as well, thinks that I don't really want to do the work. Fucking shit, it's the fact that I can't get up early enough, and when I AM up, D and T are always going on about some stupid little thing.
But whatever. M is apparently going through a period of depressive conflict in her own mind right now. Hell, she even called me to "warn" me about it. So some of the events that follow should be read with this in mind.
One thing that does bug me about this, though, is that she just about refuses to help herself think properly while she's going through this shit. She seems to think that an amino acid supplement is some sort of drug. Fuck, dude, it's just like the vitamins you get in your food. It's the same thing as taking Vitamin C to help your immune system.
Later on, she'll say that she doesn't want to put ME through her turmoil. But she doesn't want to HELP it any by giving her brain the ability to track more properly. I just don't get it. It's not the expense that is her objection, but the fact that she thinks she'd be using something as a crutch. Shit, it's like FOOD. Food isn't a crutch; it would actually be taking a little bit of CONTROL to say "Okay, I'm going through this now, but the thing is, I'm not thinking as clearly as I should. Let's help that out a little, so that I can figure this out a little faster, and with less highs and lows in the process".
But no. She's putting us all through it.
Actually, I should mention that it's only been apparent a few times that there's been any kind of issue. She seems fine most of the time. But when they DO come up M seems to fade away for a minute while K takes over control. And this is, simply put, the most dangerous thing facing M right now.
A few days ago, right before our last visit, she made a comment about how she felt like she had fucked up by getting into a relationship with me. All of this will lead to a point; it's necessary back story for the real issue I'll get to as soon as I can. Anyway, she MEANT that she fucked up because she recognizes that she's not completely emotionally ready for this yet, and she's afraid of fucking us up because of that. This was when she said that she didn't want to put me through "it" ("it" meaning her emotional BS that she has to deal with right now as she figures a couple somewhat intangible things out in her mind).
But what did it sound like? Keep in mind that she was a little mad at the time because she thought that I had just rudely hung up on her, and would not clarify for a while that she still even wanted to BE with me (of course, she admitted later to freaking out over a relatively small deal). She kept saying "I don't know" to whether we were okay or not.
Yeah, I felt it. It almost came to an end. At least, that's what I was feeling, and after just being like "wow, she's so fucking great", to THAT sucked bad. FG liked the term "fucking awesome-ass person" that I used to describe her, and thinks that he'll even use it sometime in the future. And then, when she was freaking like that, saying how she wasn't ready to handle being with me, I almost had to do it. And it HURT.
It was sorted out by her explaining what she meant (she was talking slowly, so I didn't end up letting her finish before reacting a little), and then realizing that I didn't just HANG UP and so we were fine.
She made clear that, in her own words "Of COURSE I still want you. Of COURSE I want to see you tomorrow" but it took a while for her to get to that point. It was REALLY unclear for a while just what she was trying to say when she said that she should not have become my girlfriend. I mean, what else can that mean? It was a bad idea to do that. I don't think I made the right choice.
What???
I think it is this exact kind of emotional bad reaction that she was trying to save me from.
I saw her again the next day, and it was another high again. Everything was great. So this was then twice that I thought she wasn't really wanting us to happen, with our ACTUAL interaction being super great immediately following. By super great even the other crap that was happening before the "you're attacking me" (when I know that I'm not) thing has been almost nonexistent. SHe's actually been really great in an area that was one of our biggest problems not that long ago.
But something happened that may be just the next form of this unsure energy coming out.
What makes this so different from the other things I've ranted about on here is that we actually had a proper discussion on it, and it just didn't really sink in - exactly what she really said - until later. I've given this a few days so that I could absorb it properly before posting a rant. But like some other things, this will not absorb. I am genuinely concerned, and it's not because I'm just being paranoid. I have to get this out there, and then I don't know what. But I'm starting to wonder if M is right when she says that she'll fuck this up. She keeps SAYING that she will. How can a person not do what they keep saying that they think they're going to do? You're setting yourself up for the failure by doing that.
As a little more back story, there are guys at work that she flirts around with. So, big fucking deal. She even told me that, if it weren't for me, one of the guys there would have a chance with her just because he was direct with her.
Umm okay
See, at this point, I'm just glad that she's being honest with me and telling me what's going on. She's not trying to HIDE anything, which is great. She's trying to involve me. So some things come off wrong. I have to get over my fears, right?
But she does seem to like to tell me about these things (amongst others, but you'll see the reason behind the concern in a minute). She's mentioned being "in high demand" before, but I don't take that as anything other than a playful thing.
The guy that she said would have been, maybe, the next in line if it weren't for me (always a good thing to tell your man, right?) effectively asked her out and succeeded in taking her about 40 miles or so and hanging out until 2am.
Again, not inherently a big deal as he apparently didn't "try" anything.
But wait, wait, I missed the crucial event in-between. What we talked about Sunday night.
She straight told me that she has been finding it DIFFICULT to not SLEEP WITH OTHER GUYS.
Changes the whole fucking context, doesn't it? Yeah. I thought so.
Why would anyone say such a thing to the one they're with? Why say something like this? Holy cock, man. That is telling beyond belief. If it's really true, then we truly are doomed.
She's not really used to the whole monogamous thing, right? She's used to screwing around with whoever she wants. But the thing is, all that means is that she has no self control, and that she's missing something in her life.
I am *supposed* to be that something. I guess I'm not.
Does this sound like I'm having an inferiority issue? A lack of self-confidence? Fuck that shit, my girlfriend just said that, although she made it clear that she stays with just me because she loves me, that she would IDEALLY have a loving relationship with me, and then also have meaningless, empty, fuck sessions with random other guys.
That's about the only way to take it.
Well WHY?!?!?!?!?!
She tells me that *SHE* is a jealous person. She is. And yet she wants to fuck other guys. Wait, she doesn't REALLY want to, because she loves me. But she's finding it DIFFICULT.
To call something difficult is to set the stage for an eventual failure. If it's hard, then that means that one day, she'll be feeling "weak", and she'll let it happen.
No fucking way, man. It's not hard for me, and I've established to her that my sexual drives are stronger than hers. It's not hard to stay with her exclusively at all.
And for her see, she made the point as if I should feel special that she is making such a sacrifice for me. Umm no, that is simply expected. The fact that she would even SAY these things to me indicates a definite problem. I'm just not sure what it is yet.
She couldn't tell me either. She's not into polyamory because it's the whole closeness/love connection thing that is so hard for her.
And yet, it's the reason she does this. She'll deny that, but at other times she'll admit it. See, she has these urges to have pointless, empty fuck sessions with other guys and yet, according to her, it's not really the physical things that turn her on. A bit of a contradiction there, but all I can take from it is that she's just HORNY.
So? Go masturbate like the rest of us. And if it's really *THAT* bad, tell me that. I'll figure something out.
She mentioned going 3 months without sex as though it were some kind of achievement, but then said that she wasn't about to try something like that again. As if she didn't think she could do it. The only thing I can think to call this is weakness. I think the girl is just sexually addicted. Which would be fine if she wanted more of *ME* but that's not what she said.
Being exclusive to me was the difficult thing.
Let's plug that into the context when we consider the other things that she tells me about other guys. All of a sudden, those "no big deal" things become a big deal indeed.
It's not the guys themselves that are the issue (although a little part of me does want to smack this one around a bit because of my male feelings toward M) it's her inner demons that are the issue.
She's basically implying that she is capable of cheating on me. That's the only way that I can think to interpret this.
There's a pretty simple decision for her: Have something that matters with someone that loves you, or slut around. She doesn't like the slut word, but the thing is, if she's really finding it difficult to just be with me, then she is facing that demon. To be a slut or not to be one. I don't think she DOES, and for now, she isn't one.
Also, it should be noted that for HER to consider a girl a slut, they have to be *REALLY* bad. She has good reason to believe (through a connection that most likely does know) that Paris Hilton gets a new guy about every week.
She doesn't think this makes Paris a slut.
What the fuck? Sure it does. And a pretty fucking major one at that.
The issue that most guys are a little slutty (just without the same ability to act on it, which again M disagreed with but it's been documented quite well in my opinion) doesn't change that.
But even then, most guys can be with just one girl. It's only the "out there" ones who have to cheat.
I just don't know what to make of this.
Is she really trying to sabotage it? I don't know. If K is behind this conversation, then yes, probably so. I just hope she doesn't succeed.
I think she is just in denial about how much damage there really is behind her happy, playful exterior.
She mentioned "looking for Howard" and tried to explain the reference. There was only one thing that I could get from that.
She is looking for *HERSELF* and she thinks that she will find it in everyone else.
She will surely not find it if she chooses this path. If I can't help her (which perhaps I can just a little, though really most of it will have to be done for herself), then 2-way masturbating with other guys is going to do it???
No, she's just confused, and a little lost.
Why does it have to be sexual even? I mean, with other people. Is she so used to having sex with her friends that the only way she THINKS she can be close to a guy or even get to know him as a friend is to have sex with him? Is this really just a part of the friendship thing with her?
If so then what does that say?
She has said before that, for her, sex always ends up fucking things up. Bullshit. Sex doesn't fuck anything up, USING sex as a TOOL is what fucks things up.
See, right now, she knows that I'm a little bit paranoid, and her recent comments don't really help me with that. In fact, it's very possible that a part of her is using that to her advantage over me. The reason I don't know if we'd survive a "break" for her to figure some things out, is that I know she wouldn't really do it on her own. She'd convince herself that I was gone, fuck some idiot, and then feel shitty about it.
Maybe she throws this shit at me to try to hold me closer? Hell, I don't know. It DOES concern me, but ultimately it will only drive me away.
I mean, yeah, I need her to be honest with me about all this shit, but if she really is THAT lost so that she can actually find it HARD to resist a hollow "get off" session with some other guy then well, how could it be true that she really loves me?
So I may not be perfect. But I'm here now, and I'm supposed to be the one to take care of her needs. She can't just AVOID other guys, and keeping her options open is not "bad" as some other guys might think. But when you combine that with the other element
What is she doing? To herself, and to me as well? The girl I love telling me this
All I can think is that there's a problem. I'm not good enough for her that she'll easily say "pshht" to other guys.
I can't believe that it's all about "playing the field". She's done this, and still not found the answers she's looking for. Doing it more isn't going to change that. The answers are within HER, not anyone else.
Something else that she says she uses sex to punish herself. Almost all the time. If I were gone, she'd go be a slut to punish herself. She said that this relationship is the ONLY one that hasn't been like that.
She's "missing" the punishment. In that sense, what if a small part of her is like the cutter who only feels justified when their blood is dripping into the sink?
She doesn't think she deserves me. Her own fears may prove her right if she doesn't decide not to allow that to happen.
And it really is as simple as that. A DECISION. Things don't just happen if you decide in advance not to allow that.
She's in a battle for her future right now, against a part of herself named Kody, that is trying to tell her that she's shit, and that she is going to destroy anything that could be great in her life. That she doesn't DESERVE love. That she'll never truly find her own way. That she needs to keep herself in the bad situation so that she doesn't feel even more depressed when she starts seeing that just maybe she *CAN* overcome it, and just hasn't for this amount of time.
But she still has to do it. Hell, I know this shit from experience. Not on the same issues, but I've had to face what I had just decided not to allow myself to believe were uncontrollable limitations.
I mean, to an extent, you have to play the cards you're given. But to decide that you've got a bad hand, so you're going to just fold? No, you can't do that. The fight is what makes your life worth something.
I'm just not sure how dedicated she is to this fight. If she IS, then I'm there with her. It's possible that, if she stays with me and truly sees for herself what I'm trying to convey here, then I might be something that helps her to figure some of her inner turmoil out. Just by my BEING here, maybe she won't lose herself like she's so used to doing.
But she has to want it. If she doesn't, there's nothing I can do.
She is fully capable of winning this battle. She CAN do it but WILL she? Is she ready to take the step and decide that she doesn't HAVE to be that person that Kody keeps trying to force her to be?
I just don't know. But now is the time for her to decide, or else I don't think there's anything I can do.
Some types of physical contact can present an illusion of closeness. But that's all it is if you don't think that you deserve the real love. An illusion. The real thing is right here. So hold on tight and don't let go. We can do this.
You do deserve me. But if you won't allow yourself to believe that, then you'll decide for yourself that you can't have something like this. But you CAN. Don't believe Kody. She doesn't love you at all; not anymore.
I wonder if she's even thought that this was K telling her these things. Using sex and jealousy as a way to control people's emotions and keep her "safe" from being hurt by the one she is so sure that she loves.
So yeah. Guys want her. I get it. She shouldn't be all that surprised by that. The question is, does SHE want something real? Or is she going to set herself up for failure? Because if she doesn't really want to be loved, then the fact is, I cannot AFFORD to love her. I can handle the inner turmoil shit she has going on right now, but her feeling like she needs to give some other guy sexual pleasure with her naked body in order to fulfill something for her ... I can't do that.
The ball is in her court. I pray that she knows what to do.
-MXV