So she saw it. I was checking up on her Myspace (trigger scary music here), and it said that she didn't know what to think of it. Which wasn't unexpected at all, but I wasn't sure really what she MEANT by it. The phone rang just then.
And ya know? She wasn't so bad at all. In fact, the biggest thing that she was able to gather was that there seemed to be a somewhat pervading sense of self-doubt conveyed in most of these. While at first that might sound like some sort of accusation, I don't think that's what it was at all. Actually, it's a true enough statement. When I'm writing these, it's because for those periods of time, I'm kinda stuck on the M track. The rest of the day I can be fine, but when I get to thinking about any one part of my life that means something to me, I get stuck on it pretty good until I vent my concerns in some sort of fashion, or else just get side-tracked long enough to move to something else.
What I'm not sure she realized is that most of my fears that I've expressed in these pages didn't just come to me from out of nowhere. She really DOES pull the "poor me" mindset (It's a Stephane Hemon label ... but it's good enough, so I'll use it) when I'm just trying to talk to her. She really does change the subject when I'm trying to talk about something important to me, and then laugh because I'm still stuck on whatever. Sometimes I'll play her some music, and while I don't expect her to like every aspect of it, I would think she could go without properly railing against the aspect she wasn't digging.
And the whole Myspace thing. How could that possibly NOT create doubt? It really looked like "What's wrong with me, I still love THAT guy, and not MXV", especially when followed by "I feel a little violated that you read that".
So the feelings were justified. But her point still stood. If I was the guy that I need to be, and not the guy I've been steadily morphing out of over the last couple years, I would have been a little more "Hey, what's up with this?" about it. I think I just need to risk pissing her off a little more than I've wanted to do while I was still "learning" her so much. Of course, as soon as I DO this, she's bound to go off into her "mode" again, which also can't just be allowed to happen.
Apparently, she needs me to be more upfront about sharing, because of the way her mind tracks. I'll have to tell her not to attack so strongly what she may not like as much as others. It's all I have, until I get a mini studio up in here.
Her answer to why she hesitated to show me her poetry? Because I had said before that I wasn't really into poetry. Blah, I told her that it would be different coming from her. And you know what? It's true. She had a fairly stream-of-consciousness poem on her journal, and while it made me ask a couple questions, the thing was good, and I got just a little more insight into where she's coming from.
What really surprised me was when she said that she thought I wasn't wanting to be so open with HER. What??? It would seem to me that when I've tried, she would track with me to a certain extent, and then it was time to talk about something else.
But the thing behind all of this is ... see, we talked about a lot of things, and for the most part, she seems to be on board with me still. She didn't say so explicitly, but it seems that she may even recognize that the true danger is K. She's the one who tells her that she's being attacked when often times she's really not, that she has no control of who or what she is, that sex is meaningless 2-way masturbation (which sometimes, unfortunately, it is), that she needs others to fill in the missing spaces of herself (of course, to a certain extent, we ALL do. It's just a question of how far we allow ourselves to go with it), and that she has so much to hide (when she's in that mode).
But I don't see M just sitting there for very long, letting this continue. She's starting to see the wonderful person that she is, and I hope that I can claim a little piece of the prize for helping her get to where she is today. Her own fears, it seems, will not be allowed to prevail. Her closeness issues right now seem to be more connected to my needing to lead the way than to her really not wanting to be close. And, of course, a part of her doesn't want her barriers to come down. But we'll work on that.
So anyway, sure, I have my issues. And it's my struggle to recognize them and free myself from them. I don't accept that it cannot be done, and because of this, I've moved so far from where I was emotionally not all that long ago. M is starting to do the same thing, and ... it's gonna be great.
Tomorrow is going to rock, and she's already throwing around ideas for a little Metrolink adventure we can have together. That's what we need, right there. More time together, without so much other shit interfering. We're great like that, and I'm looking forward to it.
So is she, as should she, because, of course, I'm quite a catch.
-MXV
And ya know? She wasn't so bad at all. In fact, the biggest thing that she was able to gather was that there seemed to be a somewhat pervading sense of self-doubt conveyed in most of these. While at first that might sound like some sort of accusation, I don't think that's what it was at all. Actually, it's a true enough statement. When I'm writing these, it's because for those periods of time, I'm kinda stuck on the M track. The rest of the day I can be fine, but when I get to thinking about any one part of my life that means something to me, I get stuck on it pretty good until I vent my concerns in some sort of fashion, or else just get side-tracked long enough to move to something else.
What I'm not sure she realized is that most of my fears that I've expressed in these pages didn't just come to me from out of nowhere. She really DOES pull the "poor me" mindset (It's a Stephane Hemon label ... but it's good enough, so I'll use it) when I'm just trying to talk to her. She really does change the subject when I'm trying to talk about something important to me, and then laugh because I'm still stuck on whatever. Sometimes I'll play her some music, and while I don't expect her to like every aspect of it, I would think she could go without properly railing against the aspect she wasn't digging.
And the whole Myspace thing. How could that possibly NOT create doubt? It really looked like "What's wrong with me, I still love THAT guy, and not MXV", especially when followed by "I feel a little violated that you read that".
So the feelings were justified. But her point still stood. If I was the guy that I need to be, and not the guy I've been steadily morphing out of over the last couple years, I would have been a little more "Hey, what's up with this?" about it. I think I just need to risk pissing her off a little more than I've wanted to do while I was still "learning" her so much. Of course, as soon as I DO this, she's bound to go off into her "mode" again, which also can't just be allowed to happen.
Apparently, she needs me to be more upfront about sharing, because of the way her mind tracks. I'll have to tell her not to attack so strongly what she may not like as much as others. It's all I have, until I get a mini studio up in here.
Her answer to why she hesitated to show me her poetry? Because I had said before that I wasn't really into poetry. Blah, I told her that it would be different coming from her. And you know what? It's true. She had a fairly stream-of-consciousness poem on her journal, and while it made me ask a couple questions, the thing was good, and I got just a little more insight into where she's coming from.
What really surprised me was when she said that she thought I wasn't wanting to be so open with HER. What??? It would seem to me that when I've tried, she would track with me to a certain extent, and then it was time to talk about something else.
But the thing behind all of this is ... see, we talked about a lot of things, and for the most part, she seems to be on board with me still. She didn't say so explicitly, but it seems that she may even recognize that the true danger is K. She's the one who tells her that she's being attacked when often times she's really not, that she has no control of who or what she is, that sex is meaningless 2-way masturbation (which sometimes, unfortunately, it is), that she needs others to fill in the missing spaces of herself (of course, to a certain extent, we ALL do. It's just a question of how far we allow ourselves to go with it), and that she has so much to hide (when she's in that mode).
But I don't see M just sitting there for very long, letting this continue. She's starting to see the wonderful person that she is, and I hope that I can claim a little piece of the prize for helping her get to where she is today. Her own fears, it seems, will not be allowed to prevail. Her closeness issues right now seem to be more connected to my needing to lead the way than to her really not wanting to be close. And, of course, a part of her doesn't want her barriers to come down. But we'll work on that.
So anyway, sure, I have my issues. And it's my struggle to recognize them and free myself from them. I don't accept that it cannot be done, and because of this, I've moved so far from where I was emotionally not all that long ago. M is starting to do the same thing, and ... it's gonna be great.
Tomorrow is going to rock, and she's already throwing around ideas for a little Metrolink adventure we can have together. That's what we need, right there. More time together, without so much other shit interfering. We're great like that, and I'm looking forward to it.
So is she, as should she, because, of course, I'm quite a catch.
-MXV