What the hell I'm doing with this blog thing here.
As you would know (which by YOU, I mostly mean ME), I had about an 11-month gap between posts on SG, and now I've sent about a half-dozen of them in a very short amount of time.
They don't deal with "normal" subjects, or things that happen in my more mundane, day-to-day life, and they don't talk about what I want to do creatively. They just focus on my current relationship dynamics. Or, to be more precise, the things that I am learning from the mistakes being made right now (this is a bit of a learning experience for sure), so that I can look back at some later time and go "Wow, I've really come a long way since then" or whatever. See, I've always wanted to keep a journal of my thoughts, and for one reason or another, those intentions never become realized. About a week or so ago, something hit me that hit me hard enough that I just HAD to write about it. I couldn't just let it eat at my brain without having it out there SOMEWHERE. I couldn't sleep. So I posted it here, and then it just continued once I had started.
Why here? Well, because I could, first of all (I'm not set up to do this type of thing elsewhere), and also because this blog, unlike Myspace, is completely anonymous. NOBODY in my personal life knows I'm here, nobody on SG follows me anymore (it's been a fucking YEAR since I've been active on the boards), and I don't use full names or exact locations. Even my profile picture has the faces of my family smudged out (with such a great artistic touch, I might add). I know that it's really just for me, but who knows, maybe SOMEDAY someone will see it, and it will be of interest to them as well. It's not like they'd know who I really am.
But last night, I made the ... choice of wording to tell M that I was writing a blog that I was going to post on SG. Oh, fucking great. Now she wants to see it, and of course I am not going to deny her that. It is every bit her right to see what I'm really thinking as my state of mind shifts toward the more pessimistic.
It's just that, due to the "stream of consciousness" writing style of these entries, I really don't know if she's ready for this level of immersion yet. I have no idea what kind of reaction I'm going to get, and to be honest, I'm a little uneasy about it (big cocking surprise there, MXV a little anxious...). Perhaps it will depend on her mood; I don't know.
Before we became official, we each knew that we were not quite ready for a real relationship. And I knew that a couple issues that weren't problems before would show themselves a little more strongly than they had before. And they have, to an extent. I think that most of our issues can be traced to a single source, that just wasn't haunting us as much when there were still no "strings" attached. I doubt that M would fully recognize the influence of this source, but I talk about it in these blogs, and she's surely going to see it.
At least, if she really wants to. This isn't necessarily a completely personal journal or whatever (the fact that it's on here for SOME unknown visitor from the year 2010 will attest to that), but it goes there a little. It's completely honest, and I'm not so concerned about the WAY that I phrase things (with the exception that I changed "fucking" to "damned" back there a ways, simply because of how the other word might hit M should she read it).
I can say that, as much as I want to know M inside and out, and I want to know her fears and longings, there are certain passing thoughts which don't really MEAN anything to her, that might not benefit me to read at all. I don't think I have anything at all to keep from M, but the question remains what is she going to think? Is she really going to WANT to see our "issues" dissected with such dramatic flair?
I just hope that if she DOES decide to come here and read all of this, that she does it through the right lenses, keeping in mind the order that these posts were written.
This may be another big test for us, and I don't know what's going to happen. I know that if she DOES keep an open mind, and is able to see that every single thing written here is from my heart, then it might be okay. But, see, I can't use the excuse like maybe she can, that I just wrote something meaningless here, and that there was nothing more to it than the random passing thought. No, I go on for far too long, bitching and ranting when I'm only trying to vent my concerns amidst an overall pleasant relationship that we have, but I actually do mean everything that I say here. And she's gong to know that. Bluuugh
Will she get a better understanding of me, and decide that she wants to join me in raising the bar a bit for our own good?
Or will she be thinking to herself "You asshole, that's just YOUR opinion."
???
I hope that doesn't happen. If it does, I have no idea how this might mess up our Saturday. I kinda hope she decides to read these after that. Well, honestly, a part of me hopes that she doesn't want to read these at all. I think, though, that overall, I DO want her to see it. If for no other reason than to prove to her that I really do mean what I say, and when I talk about complete openness, I'm not just fucking her leg.
Look at me here, talking about "complete openness" and shit a concept I had almost forgotten about just a few months ago. I had about given up hope that I would ever meet someone truly "worthy", if I can say that without sounding like an egotistical cock wad. And so I went into a more "Fuck it, I'll enjoy what life presents to me right NOW and I'll just see if anything more happens" Like I knew that if I was able to stop worrying about my ideals quite so much, I'd put myself into a better place overall. And to an extent, that's exactly what's happened. Look at what I have now.
The "problem" may be, that she has given me hope again, that maybe my ideals just being able to share who you are with someone, with love and not accusation a dying mindset in today's universe, it would seem may actually be possible.
Badass motherfucking, doesn't-give-a-fuck MXV actually does. More than just about anyone I know, and definitely more than just about anyone I know would care to hear about. Cool, disconnected MXV is no longer so disconnected. If anything, I'm a little TOO caught up. So I rant anonymously online.
There is another problem. I have to email her the URL but the name on the email is not hers, it's K's. The part of herself that she really needs to learn to absorb and control yet right now is interfering. That's the name that welcomes her when she goes online. It's the name she *identifies* with more deeply than her own, if I read that right. And I feel like I'd be legitimizing that connection to send an email to that name.
Once again, over thinking every last possible fucking thing (see. It's okay if *I* say it). I'll probably just call her and give her the URL. Besides, internet is so ridiculously sporadic for me right now. There.
...It also strikes me, that all of my descriptive settings and favorites and shit on my little SG page are over a year old, except for the one up top. I should probably update them soon. Especially the pics, which aren't exactly representative. Or I could just use the freaking book she got me to write in to "post" this shit, now that I've gotten started and may not need this medium to convey my thoughts. I don't know.
So anyway, I'm going to call her pretty soon, and see if she really wants to see this now.
If she does here's hoping
Something does tell me, though, that in the end, she'll be with me on most of this. She's already made steps that Lysani, for instance, never could. She's come a long way from the place she was several months ago, and I think she'll be on board with me for quite a while longer still.
Actually, the more I think about this, the less I worry. We'll be okay.
-MXV
As you would know (which by YOU, I mostly mean ME), I had about an 11-month gap between posts on SG, and now I've sent about a half-dozen of them in a very short amount of time.
They don't deal with "normal" subjects, or things that happen in my more mundane, day-to-day life, and they don't talk about what I want to do creatively. They just focus on my current relationship dynamics. Or, to be more precise, the things that I am learning from the mistakes being made right now (this is a bit of a learning experience for sure), so that I can look back at some later time and go "Wow, I've really come a long way since then" or whatever. See, I've always wanted to keep a journal of my thoughts, and for one reason or another, those intentions never become realized. About a week or so ago, something hit me that hit me hard enough that I just HAD to write about it. I couldn't just let it eat at my brain without having it out there SOMEWHERE. I couldn't sleep. So I posted it here, and then it just continued once I had started.
Why here? Well, because I could, first of all (I'm not set up to do this type of thing elsewhere), and also because this blog, unlike Myspace, is completely anonymous. NOBODY in my personal life knows I'm here, nobody on SG follows me anymore (it's been a fucking YEAR since I've been active on the boards), and I don't use full names or exact locations. Even my profile picture has the faces of my family smudged out (with such a great artistic touch, I might add). I know that it's really just for me, but who knows, maybe SOMEDAY someone will see it, and it will be of interest to them as well. It's not like they'd know who I really am.
But last night, I made the ... choice of wording to tell M that I was writing a blog that I was going to post on SG. Oh, fucking great. Now she wants to see it, and of course I am not going to deny her that. It is every bit her right to see what I'm really thinking as my state of mind shifts toward the more pessimistic.
It's just that, due to the "stream of consciousness" writing style of these entries, I really don't know if she's ready for this level of immersion yet. I have no idea what kind of reaction I'm going to get, and to be honest, I'm a little uneasy about it (big cocking surprise there, MXV a little anxious...). Perhaps it will depend on her mood; I don't know.
Before we became official, we each knew that we were not quite ready for a real relationship. And I knew that a couple issues that weren't problems before would show themselves a little more strongly than they had before. And they have, to an extent. I think that most of our issues can be traced to a single source, that just wasn't haunting us as much when there were still no "strings" attached. I doubt that M would fully recognize the influence of this source, but I talk about it in these blogs, and she's surely going to see it.
At least, if she really wants to. This isn't necessarily a completely personal journal or whatever (the fact that it's on here for SOME unknown visitor from the year 2010 will attest to that), but it goes there a little. It's completely honest, and I'm not so concerned about the WAY that I phrase things (with the exception that I changed "fucking" to "damned" back there a ways, simply because of how the other word might hit M should she read it).
I can say that, as much as I want to know M inside and out, and I want to know her fears and longings, there are certain passing thoughts which don't really MEAN anything to her, that might not benefit me to read at all. I don't think I have anything at all to keep from M, but the question remains what is she going to think? Is she really going to WANT to see our "issues" dissected with such dramatic flair?
I just hope that if she DOES decide to come here and read all of this, that she does it through the right lenses, keeping in mind the order that these posts were written.
This may be another big test for us, and I don't know what's going to happen. I know that if she DOES keep an open mind, and is able to see that every single thing written here is from my heart, then it might be okay. But, see, I can't use the excuse like maybe she can, that I just wrote something meaningless here, and that there was nothing more to it than the random passing thought. No, I go on for far too long, bitching and ranting when I'm only trying to vent my concerns amidst an overall pleasant relationship that we have, but I actually do mean everything that I say here. And she's gong to know that. Bluuugh
Will she get a better understanding of me, and decide that she wants to join me in raising the bar a bit for our own good?
Or will she be thinking to herself "You asshole, that's just YOUR opinion."
???
I hope that doesn't happen. If it does, I have no idea how this might mess up our Saturday. I kinda hope she decides to read these after that. Well, honestly, a part of me hopes that she doesn't want to read these at all. I think, though, that overall, I DO want her to see it. If for no other reason than to prove to her that I really do mean what I say, and when I talk about complete openness, I'm not just fucking her leg.
Look at me here, talking about "complete openness" and shit a concept I had almost forgotten about just a few months ago. I had about given up hope that I would ever meet someone truly "worthy", if I can say that without sounding like an egotistical cock wad. And so I went into a more "Fuck it, I'll enjoy what life presents to me right NOW and I'll just see if anything more happens" Like I knew that if I was able to stop worrying about my ideals quite so much, I'd put myself into a better place overall. And to an extent, that's exactly what's happened. Look at what I have now.
The "problem" may be, that she has given me hope again, that maybe my ideals just being able to share who you are with someone, with love and not accusation a dying mindset in today's universe, it would seem may actually be possible.
Badass motherfucking, doesn't-give-a-fuck MXV actually does. More than just about anyone I know, and definitely more than just about anyone I know would care to hear about. Cool, disconnected MXV is no longer so disconnected. If anything, I'm a little TOO caught up. So I rant anonymously online.
There is another problem. I have to email her the URL but the name on the email is not hers, it's K's. The part of herself that she really needs to learn to absorb and control yet right now is interfering. That's the name that welcomes her when she goes online. It's the name she *identifies* with more deeply than her own, if I read that right. And I feel like I'd be legitimizing that connection to send an email to that name.
Once again, over thinking every last possible fucking thing (see. It's okay if *I* say it). I'll probably just call her and give her the URL. Besides, internet is so ridiculously sporadic for me right now. There.
...It also strikes me, that all of my descriptive settings and favorites and shit on my little SG page are over a year old, except for the one up top. I should probably update them soon. Especially the pics, which aren't exactly representative. Or I could just use the freaking book she got me to write in to "post" this shit, now that I've gotten started and may not need this medium to convey my thoughts. I don't know.
So anyway, I'm going to call her pretty soon, and see if she really wants to see this now.
If she does here's hoping
Something does tell me, though, that in the end, she'll be with me on most of this. She's already made steps that Lysani, for instance, never could. She's come a long way from the place she was several months ago, and I think she'll be on board with me for quite a while longer still.
Actually, the more I think about this, the less I worry. We'll be okay.
-MXV