So M and I are going to see "Penny Dreadful" on Saturday. Looks like it's going to be pretty good. I also found out that I really want to see "Borat" as well. She didn't seem so hot on that idea because "it's all political". Come on, M, you're a higher thinker than that. I've heard you go off on a few things that a lot of other people wouldn't even bother to consider. That's one of the reasons I like you so much.
Besides, this is a total comedy. It's not like it's some really deep film. But even then, I'm a little surprised to hear M say this. Maybe she thought I was suggesting seeing that INSTEAD of Penny Dreadful, which I could understand might throw her off.
Anyway, she's finally updated her blog (so the last thing advertised to the world on there is no longer about how she still loves her ex, who she REALLY needs to get over completely), and she's talking about some musician that she's pretty sure I wouldn't dig, but she says that she loves him. Not his music, but him. Yeah, I know, it's just a phrase, and there was nothing more meant behind it than that. So I'm not going to trip like some fucking idiot over that.
The POINT is ... that there's a part of this guy's inner feelings; his artistic expression, that M really connects with.
I am always trying to connect with her on the deepest possible levels. And sometimes she's so great that it blows me away. But at times it seems that there is still a bit of resistance on her end.
I'm not sure how much of this I imagine, and how much is her not wanting to be quite as close to me as I do to her. Which is weird, because as much as she SAYS she loves me, I'd think that the desire to really get into each other's worlds would be pretty inherent.
I do recognize that there is simply a disconnect between us in some artistic ways. But I really, honestly do want to understand her world. I want to appreciate it, and be a part of it. It's important. And yet she still hesitates to show me her poetry. I'm not even all that into poetry, but what I've heard of hers is pretty good. And even if it's not that great, it HAS to be good in a way to ME, just because it's her expression. It's her thoughts flowing out, and even if they don't all make sense in a way that I would connect with, that's because they are HER feelings about whatever state her mind is in at the time. And I want to know that.
Also, she shows very little interest in what I want to do musically. Even if it's not her ideal music, I would think that it simply being my expression would be enough for her to WANT to know. And while I totally cannot produce a sample of my music yet, I can at least play her little bits of this or that, or write down some scattered lyrics. Or SOMETHING. But she's just not into that.
If only she at least WANTED inside my little world.
I know, in some ways, we are almost destined to be a distraction from each other's hectic lives. But she means so much to me, I really want to "get" her on a deeper level. Apparently, there are only a few people who "get" her more than I do, but I still want to try, even if there will be disconnections along the way.
So yeah, I can't say that I dig all of her music. Just as she surely wouldn't dig all of mine. But the expression of someone's heart and soul ... who you love ... that should matter no matter what. I am pretty sure that intellectually, she really does want to be connected to me on that deeper level. But as far as desiring it enough to ask more than a passing question ... I haven't seen that from her yet. Maybe she does want it, but I haven't seen her really display it.
And once again, I'm stuck with a pessimistic thought: If she honestly doesn't want to share everything she is with me, then perhaps we truly are on borrowed time. Marriage material or not, we don't really KNOW how far this can go yet, and we have to at least try if we are to be lovers and not simply close friends with some occasional benefits when circumstances allow.
Ya know ... I really don't like this constant stream of pessimism that comes out from me in these blogs, when in reality everything about her EXCEPT what I find myself bitching about is pretty damned great. They present the wrong image, and the idea that I'm more frustrated with her than I really am. It's not like she doesn't CARE about who or what I am inside; it's just that it's not a priority. Which maybe she doesn't need right now, but I'm feeling like maybe I do. I love her, and overall I'm pretty happy with her. It's just that at times we are so close to ruining it, and at other times, there is so much missed potential to really deepen what we have. And maybe I'm just retarded for feeling this way, but I am of the belief that we have to allow it to be deep if we're going to do this.
If we love each other, and we have decided that we have to be exclusive, then let's do it. Let's really go for it. Or else our own fears and hesitations will cause our eventual unraveling. If in the end we cannot be, then let it be because we ultimately could not be compatible, and not because we were just too damned AFRAID.
-MXV
Besides, this is a total comedy. It's not like it's some really deep film. But even then, I'm a little surprised to hear M say this. Maybe she thought I was suggesting seeing that INSTEAD of Penny Dreadful, which I could understand might throw her off.
Anyway, she's finally updated her blog (so the last thing advertised to the world on there is no longer about how she still loves her ex, who she REALLY needs to get over completely), and she's talking about some musician that she's pretty sure I wouldn't dig, but she says that she loves him. Not his music, but him. Yeah, I know, it's just a phrase, and there was nothing more meant behind it than that. So I'm not going to trip like some fucking idiot over that.
The POINT is ... that there's a part of this guy's inner feelings; his artistic expression, that M really connects with.
I am always trying to connect with her on the deepest possible levels. And sometimes she's so great that it blows me away. But at times it seems that there is still a bit of resistance on her end.
I'm not sure how much of this I imagine, and how much is her not wanting to be quite as close to me as I do to her. Which is weird, because as much as she SAYS she loves me, I'd think that the desire to really get into each other's worlds would be pretty inherent.
I do recognize that there is simply a disconnect between us in some artistic ways. But I really, honestly do want to understand her world. I want to appreciate it, and be a part of it. It's important. And yet she still hesitates to show me her poetry. I'm not even all that into poetry, but what I've heard of hers is pretty good. And even if it's not that great, it HAS to be good in a way to ME, just because it's her expression. It's her thoughts flowing out, and even if they don't all make sense in a way that I would connect with, that's because they are HER feelings about whatever state her mind is in at the time. And I want to know that.
Also, she shows very little interest in what I want to do musically. Even if it's not her ideal music, I would think that it simply being my expression would be enough for her to WANT to know. And while I totally cannot produce a sample of my music yet, I can at least play her little bits of this or that, or write down some scattered lyrics. Or SOMETHING. But she's just not into that.
If only she at least WANTED inside my little world.
I know, in some ways, we are almost destined to be a distraction from each other's hectic lives. But she means so much to me, I really want to "get" her on a deeper level. Apparently, there are only a few people who "get" her more than I do, but I still want to try, even if there will be disconnections along the way.
So yeah, I can't say that I dig all of her music. Just as she surely wouldn't dig all of mine. But the expression of someone's heart and soul ... who you love ... that should matter no matter what. I am pretty sure that intellectually, she really does want to be connected to me on that deeper level. But as far as desiring it enough to ask more than a passing question ... I haven't seen that from her yet. Maybe she does want it, but I haven't seen her really display it.
And once again, I'm stuck with a pessimistic thought: If she honestly doesn't want to share everything she is with me, then perhaps we truly are on borrowed time. Marriage material or not, we don't really KNOW how far this can go yet, and we have to at least try if we are to be lovers and not simply close friends with some occasional benefits when circumstances allow.
Ya know ... I really don't like this constant stream of pessimism that comes out from me in these blogs, when in reality everything about her EXCEPT what I find myself bitching about is pretty damned great. They present the wrong image, and the idea that I'm more frustrated with her than I really am. It's not like she doesn't CARE about who or what I am inside; it's just that it's not a priority. Which maybe she doesn't need right now, but I'm feeling like maybe I do. I love her, and overall I'm pretty happy with her. It's just that at times we are so close to ruining it, and at other times, there is so much missed potential to really deepen what we have. And maybe I'm just retarded for feeling this way, but I am of the belief that we have to allow it to be deep if we're going to do this.
If we love each other, and we have decided that we have to be exclusive, then let's do it. Let's really go for it. Or else our own fears and hesitations will cause our eventual unraveling. If in the end we cannot be, then let it be because we ultimately could not be compatible, and not because we were just too damned AFRAID.
-MXV