"I don't like to have deep conversations", she says.
Damn it, this is not M speaking. Again. I talk to her on the phone when she's at home and tired, and who do I get? K. That damned, life destroying, overly insensitive, fuck-the-world-and-me-too-for-all-I-care defensive shield. I just want my M.
I actually had to blast her a little for this, and I'm not sure if she caught all of what I had to say. But at least she wasn't too mad about it. I don't think it really got through to her, but afterwards she backed off a bit.
"You're all doing THIS, and THIS, and THIS, OVER AND OVER AND OVER, AND I JUST WANTED TO HAVE A NICE TALK WITH YOU, AND YOU HAD TO GO AND..."
No, I can't just let her do that. Boundaries have to exist somewhere, and she'll never be able to respect me if she doesn't know that I have limits. Talk to me with love and respect ... and if I actually DO something to you, sure, get angry about it.
But don't just go off and accuse me of shit that I'm not doing, because you want to put up a subconscious manipulation or whatever it is that is really going on behind that. All I did was ask you a question in more than one way, because you answered a different question. So I reworded the damned question. That's how humans communicate. To get all bent out of shape because you just ranted for 5 minutes about something I didn't even ask, and then get more angry when I reword the question so that you hopefully know what I actually MEANT you to answer ... is just insane. Yes, it will make me feel bad for you, but if I know that I didn't actually DO anything to HURT you ... and I'm pretty honest about it if I can see that I DID...
Either believe that I love you and would never deliberately hurt you, or move on. I hold myself to a higher standard than that, and you need to hold yourself to the same. You can't just start hollering at someone you care about for no legitimate reason. And I can't just sit there and let you do it. What's the worst that could happen? I lose you. And yes, there's a bit of an "ouch" behind that thought. But if I KEEP you, at the cost of my own respect, then it's not really worth it, is it?
...And look there. I just did that whole rant about that little part of our conversation. Most of it was fine, as usual. But it's those little downward twists that make me have to tell her that she just can't do that and expect anything positive to come of it.
It probably looks to you like I'm trying to be some hard-ass "I don't need to take no shit" kind of guy, and honestly, I'm not really that way at all. And I don't WANT to lose her. I don't want to act like "Okay, these are boundaries", even though a couple times we've both had to do that with each other.
The thing is, if she doesnt' see me as a strong person who knows what she's up to and won't allow it, then how will she really see me as someone she can really confide in? Or someone who can really take care of her? Any person has to know how to communicate with the person they're with in a loving, caring kind of way. And sometimes it's a challenge, but the only real failure is to be too stubborn to undertake that challenge head-on.
I need to be her strength to a certain extent that she might not ever admit to. But she needs to be strong enough on her own to let that really come about. And sometimes, I need her as well. I'm not quite used to that either, but I'm learning. We get our stresses, sure. But we can't take those stresses OUT on each other. That's not showing love right there.
I know that deeper conversations over the phone don't work, and pointed questions when she's at home or trying to get things done also won't work. And I've learned that if she's annoyed about something, I need to give her time to collect her thoughts before she can properly explain WTF is going on in her head.
But now she needs to learn some things as well. We either love each other or we don't. And we HAVE to treat each other like it, whichever way it is. If we DO, then we have to give each other some credit. We have to trust each other without hesitation. And we can't just decide to lash out at each other if we're annoyed at situations. It just can't work that way.
When it isn't for these instances, she's so fucking awesome. Anyone reading these blog entries (I know, basically no-one) will only see my fears and accusations, and that's not a balanced image at all. But when things are going well, there's not as much drive to get that "off my chest". I'm just happy. I love my M.
The thing is, though, I made a DECISION that I would be hers until the time when we simply could not carry on anymore. And by that, I mean that I CHOOSE to be completely honest with her, about anything at all. Every part of who I am is her "business", if she ever wants to know anything. I'm not so sure she has the same level of dedication; not because she wouldn't WANT it, but because she wouldn't really know HOW to let it happen.
I had a pretty scary thought today, because my mind is anxious and I think of worse scenarios rather than better ones. It's one of my problems; over-dwelling on the negative. But anyway, I had the thought that someday I might ask her a prying question, and she might fire back that it was really none of my fucking business what she was doing.
Ouch. Even the thought ... see, that could possibly end us right there. Not because of what she SAID, but because it showed me that there was soimething to HIDE. I have nothing to hide from her except some passing thoughts that would simply come across wrong to her if I were to say them. That's it. And even then, if she really wanted to know, I'd tell her. I want to be as transparent as possible to her (even though I understand that there is a certain biological attraction factor behind a more mysterious person). And yes, I do desire that as well in return. Even if nobody on the Earth will ever give that to me, it's what I've wanted my whole life.
On a different note, she asked me what kind of goth I was if I didn't like horror movies. As if I'm truly "goth", and as if I don't like horror movies at ALL.
By the way, this wasn't any part of any unpleasant conversations; I don't feel somehow bothered that she asked me that.
What bothered me a little was the way it seems she feels NOTHING about certain things that should just really affect anyone with a caring soul.
Let me explain. There's this movie preview for The Haslingers (or whatever the fuck they are, Haslinger was in Tangerine Dream so it's not that). It starts out describing the family members, and the way they are, and some of their more messed-up quirks. But in general, they seem like any slightly messed-up family out there. And then it shows them all talking casually about what they do in their spare time or whatever.
Then it shows this little girl screaming and crying, while these people move in on her to murder her. Because eh ... that's just what they do. Murder people who cry out for their lives.
It's not supposed to be like some almost comedic B movie, it was pretty graphic and just REALLY fucked up. And I just felt something deeply WRONG with the imagery.
How is anyone going to sit there with their fucking popcorn, watching something like that, and not just FEEL something inside that tells them that this is just fucked?
My description doesn't convey at ALL the fucked-up-edness of that preview (which, as a disclaimer, my internet connection did not allow me to finish). They murdered their neighbors in all these gruesome ways ... just because. They're crying for their lives, shaking and terrified, as they slowly get tortured and killed.
Not as a mystery movie, not as a thriller, just ... BECAUSE.
Because to some people, apparently, some little kid being ... let me use my imagination a little here ... slowly skinned alive is just fun. So it's not real. It's a movie.
But you're spending time and money inputting that into your heart and soul. How do you not see that? What you put in will affect you in subtle ways. Just like who you have an orgasm with will affect a small part of your brain chemistry. It locks onto the other person and refocuses itself slightly in their direction. Science demonstrates this. It matters.
Anyway ... as if you didn't know this already, there is something deeply wrong with this world. And, apparently, to a part of M as well. Part of her is this beautiful, loving creature who is so amazing among people who don't even deserve to touch her. But part of her is just dead, and is trying to kill the life out of the other side that I love.
Yeah. Let's get some popcorn and watch someone burn their kittens with a blowtorch. Great.
At least she said she wouldn't watch something like that if it were REAL. Or even someone dying for real. Maybe getting shot in the head.
I have to say, I have seen a video of this before. Some Jihad in Iraq or Afghanistan trying to missile Americans or something. I had the morbid curiosity. So a part of me is fucked up as well. Sure, I knew that already.
But what I saw ... fascinated me and at the same time just bothered me. His body instantly went from one of life, to just a fucking rag doll that collapsed to the ground.
And yet, the replies on that website from other people were more along the lines of "HAHA, that's what he gets!!!"
Well, maybe so. But it still says something that people just don't care about their fellow humans anymore. There's an instinctive reaction that we have to someone in pain. We don't like it. An inner alarm goes off that tells us that something is wrong. We feel uncomfortable for a REASON. The thought of others in pain bothers us for a reason. At least those of us who realize that selfishness is really NOT the virtue that some might try to tell us as they market their books (which do actually raise valid points, but just go TOO FAR with their conclusions to MAKE those points).
This isn't to say that all horror movies are bad (some of them are quite good, actually, and very entertaining because of the WAY that they're done), but I think as a whole, people are surrendering a big part of who we are, in an effort to be as disconnected as possible. We lose touch of who we really are inside.
And yet strangely, at the same time, we get more and more politically correct as a society. We've forgotten how to even stand up for ourselves and what we believe. Don't risk OFFENDING anyone! Even if they are doctors who like to go around murdering babies as they are in the process of being born.
Just don't think about it. It's a deep conversation. Let it fade away; nothing to see here.
But, by all means, don't insinuate that illegal aliens are a burden to society as a whole. That's too insensitive.
Fuck it all...
I'm really not in THAT bad of a mood right now. Just kinda got carried off on my little tangent is all. Don't mind me just thinking out loud, ranting endlessly about bullshit. I should probably stop now.
-MXV
Damn it, this is not M speaking. Again. I talk to her on the phone when she's at home and tired, and who do I get? K. That damned, life destroying, overly insensitive, fuck-the-world-and-me-too-for-all-I-care defensive shield. I just want my M.
I actually had to blast her a little for this, and I'm not sure if she caught all of what I had to say. But at least she wasn't too mad about it. I don't think it really got through to her, but afterwards she backed off a bit.
"You're all doing THIS, and THIS, and THIS, OVER AND OVER AND OVER, AND I JUST WANTED TO HAVE A NICE TALK WITH YOU, AND YOU HAD TO GO AND..."
No, I can't just let her do that. Boundaries have to exist somewhere, and she'll never be able to respect me if she doesn't know that I have limits. Talk to me with love and respect ... and if I actually DO something to you, sure, get angry about it.
But don't just go off and accuse me of shit that I'm not doing, because you want to put up a subconscious manipulation or whatever it is that is really going on behind that. All I did was ask you a question in more than one way, because you answered a different question. So I reworded the damned question. That's how humans communicate. To get all bent out of shape because you just ranted for 5 minutes about something I didn't even ask, and then get more angry when I reword the question so that you hopefully know what I actually MEANT you to answer ... is just insane. Yes, it will make me feel bad for you, but if I know that I didn't actually DO anything to HURT you ... and I'm pretty honest about it if I can see that I DID...
Either believe that I love you and would never deliberately hurt you, or move on. I hold myself to a higher standard than that, and you need to hold yourself to the same. You can't just start hollering at someone you care about for no legitimate reason. And I can't just sit there and let you do it. What's the worst that could happen? I lose you. And yes, there's a bit of an "ouch" behind that thought. But if I KEEP you, at the cost of my own respect, then it's not really worth it, is it?
...And look there. I just did that whole rant about that little part of our conversation. Most of it was fine, as usual. But it's those little downward twists that make me have to tell her that she just can't do that and expect anything positive to come of it.
It probably looks to you like I'm trying to be some hard-ass "I don't need to take no shit" kind of guy, and honestly, I'm not really that way at all. And I don't WANT to lose her. I don't want to act like "Okay, these are boundaries", even though a couple times we've both had to do that with each other.
The thing is, if she doesnt' see me as a strong person who knows what she's up to and won't allow it, then how will she really see me as someone she can really confide in? Or someone who can really take care of her? Any person has to know how to communicate with the person they're with in a loving, caring kind of way. And sometimes it's a challenge, but the only real failure is to be too stubborn to undertake that challenge head-on.
I need to be her strength to a certain extent that she might not ever admit to. But she needs to be strong enough on her own to let that really come about. And sometimes, I need her as well. I'm not quite used to that either, but I'm learning. We get our stresses, sure. But we can't take those stresses OUT on each other. That's not showing love right there.
I know that deeper conversations over the phone don't work, and pointed questions when she's at home or trying to get things done also won't work. And I've learned that if she's annoyed about something, I need to give her time to collect her thoughts before she can properly explain WTF is going on in her head.
But now she needs to learn some things as well. We either love each other or we don't. And we HAVE to treat each other like it, whichever way it is. If we DO, then we have to give each other some credit. We have to trust each other without hesitation. And we can't just decide to lash out at each other if we're annoyed at situations. It just can't work that way.
When it isn't for these instances, she's so fucking awesome. Anyone reading these blog entries (I know, basically no-one) will only see my fears and accusations, and that's not a balanced image at all. But when things are going well, there's not as much drive to get that "off my chest". I'm just happy. I love my M.
The thing is, though, I made a DECISION that I would be hers until the time when we simply could not carry on anymore. And by that, I mean that I CHOOSE to be completely honest with her, about anything at all. Every part of who I am is her "business", if she ever wants to know anything. I'm not so sure she has the same level of dedication; not because she wouldn't WANT it, but because she wouldn't really know HOW to let it happen.
I had a pretty scary thought today, because my mind is anxious and I think of worse scenarios rather than better ones. It's one of my problems; over-dwelling on the negative. But anyway, I had the thought that someday I might ask her a prying question, and she might fire back that it was really none of my fucking business what she was doing.
Ouch. Even the thought ... see, that could possibly end us right there. Not because of what she SAID, but because it showed me that there was soimething to HIDE. I have nothing to hide from her except some passing thoughts that would simply come across wrong to her if I were to say them. That's it. And even then, if she really wanted to know, I'd tell her. I want to be as transparent as possible to her (even though I understand that there is a certain biological attraction factor behind a more mysterious person). And yes, I do desire that as well in return. Even if nobody on the Earth will ever give that to me, it's what I've wanted my whole life.
On a different note, she asked me what kind of goth I was if I didn't like horror movies. As if I'm truly "goth", and as if I don't like horror movies at ALL.
By the way, this wasn't any part of any unpleasant conversations; I don't feel somehow bothered that she asked me that.
What bothered me a little was the way it seems she feels NOTHING about certain things that should just really affect anyone with a caring soul.
Let me explain. There's this movie preview for The Haslingers (or whatever the fuck they are, Haslinger was in Tangerine Dream so it's not that). It starts out describing the family members, and the way they are, and some of their more messed-up quirks. But in general, they seem like any slightly messed-up family out there. And then it shows them all talking casually about what they do in their spare time or whatever.
Then it shows this little girl screaming and crying, while these people move in on her to murder her. Because eh ... that's just what they do. Murder people who cry out for their lives.
It's not supposed to be like some almost comedic B movie, it was pretty graphic and just REALLY fucked up. And I just felt something deeply WRONG with the imagery.
How is anyone going to sit there with their fucking popcorn, watching something like that, and not just FEEL something inside that tells them that this is just fucked?
My description doesn't convey at ALL the fucked-up-edness of that preview (which, as a disclaimer, my internet connection did not allow me to finish). They murdered their neighbors in all these gruesome ways ... just because. They're crying for their lives, shaking and terrified, as they slowly get tortured and killed.
Not as a mystery movie, not as a thriller, just ... BECAUSE.
Because to some people, apparently, some little kid being ... let me use my imagination a little here ... slowly skinned alive is just fun. So it's not real. It's a movie.
But you're spending time and money inputting that into your heart and soul. How do you not see that? What you put in will affect you in subtle ways. Just like who you have an orgasm with will affect a small part of your brain chemistry. It locks onto the other person and refocuses itself slightly in their direction. Science demonstrates this. It matters.
Anyway ... as if you didn't know this already, there is something deeply wrong with this world. And, apparently, to a part of M as well. Part of her is this beautiful, loving creature who is so amazing among people who don't even deserve to touch her. But part of her is just dead, and is trying to kill the life out of the other side that I love.
Yeah. Let's get some popcorn and watch someone burn their kittens with a blowtorch. Great.
At least she said she wouldn't watch something like that if it were REAL. Or even someone dying for real. Maybe getting shot in the head.
I have to say, I have seen a video of this before. Some Jihad in Iraq or Afghanistan trying to missile Americans or something. I had the morbid curiosity. So a part of me is fucked up as well. Sure, I knew that already.
But what I saw ... fascinated me and at the same time just bothered me. His body instantly went from one of life, to just a fucking rag doll that collapsed to the ground.
And yet, the replies on that website from other people were more along the lines of "HAHA, that's what he gets!!!"
Well, maybe so. But it still says something that people just don't care about their fellow humans anymore. There's an instinctive reaction that we have to someone in pain. We don't like it. An inner alarm goes off that tells us that something is wrong. We feel uncomfortable for a REASON. The thought of others in pain bothers us for a reason. At least those of us who realize that selfishness is really NOT the virtue that some might try to tell us as they market their books (which do actually raise valid points, but just go TOO FAR with their conclusions to MAKE those points).
This isn't to say that all horror movies are bad (some of them are quite good, actually, and very entertaining because of the WAY that they're done), but I think as a whole, people are surrendering a big part of who we are, in an effort to be as disconnected as possible. We lose touch of who we really are inside.
And yet strangely, at the same time, we get more and more politically correct as a society. We've forgotten how to even stand up for ourselves and what we believe. Don't risk OFFENDING anyone! Even if they are doctors who like to go around murdering babies as they are in the process of being born.
Just don't think about it. It's a deep conversation. Let it fade away; nothing to see here.
But, by all means, don't insinuate that illegal aliens are a burden to society as a whole. That's too insensitive.
Fuck it all...
I'm really not in THAT bad of a mood right now. Just kinda got carried off on my little tangent is all. Don't mind me just thinking out loud, ranting endlessly about bullshit. I should probably stop now.
-MXV