So I've discovered something. M is pretty fucking great. When she's being herself and not her fucked up defensive shell, she's about the coolest person alive.
Yesterday was so great, and I feel like a big weight has been temporarily lifted off of me. Why temporarily? Well, I know how things are, I know my insecurities, and I know that sometimes M just isn't herself at all.
She's not mad at me for reading her Myspace anymore (which is good because it would be pretty dumb if she was), and explained a lot of things leading up to why she would be making contact with the guy she knows isn't one she should be keeping ties with for the time.
Apparently, the "virginity" guy initiated the conversation with her, and for some reason her description of the conversation on her Myspace is a little different from what she told me. And also, she messaged the guy I mentioned before in order to ask him something about that event, and wasn't sure that she could talk to me about ot at the time. She says she sort of broke her silence string with hum by doing this. I do see that she messaged him a couple days before this happened, and I don't know what to make of that.
Please, don't let her by lying to me. Please, let me be enough for her.
Before I saw these things, I wasn't even all that worried about us. I mean, she was so great yesterday that it seemed like we could do anything if we only stayed focused on what we were doing (yet, oddly, the best way to do that is to stay focused on NOT dwelling on the negative so much).
I've gone from being just happy, to having a couple questions for her that I'm not sure how to ask without it coming off like I don't trust her.
I'll probably just ask why it took her so long to IM him about what had happened. I don't know. I am also really curious about the little message she sent to him right before this ("What should you have done?" in bold letters, after he made the statement that he "made the wrong decision", possibly by getting with his current chick). Maybe it was actually at the same time, and she just waited a little while before posting her own messages. Again, I don't know ... but the way yesterday went, she probably has a good reason behind it.
I'm probably just being paranoid. Reading too much Nazhan into M. After going through that whole saga, it wouldn't surprise me a bit.
If she's using me, there's a good enough chance that I'm going to end up letting her do it, because I won't want to believe that it's happening. And because I don't want to ruin such a great thing by being the paranoid, jealous boyfriend.
This is all new to me. I don't quite know how to handle myself in these situations.
When they're not around, and when we're not anywhere near her home, we hit it off so well that it's just amazing to me. Even with our missing musical link (that I never thought I could handle after the last time), it's just so great.
I don't know what's going to happen with us, and I still have my worries, but still, I thank God for bringing her into my life. Whatever happens, it will almost certainly be worth it to have what we do now. I love her, and even through my slight paranoia, I can see that she loves me too. It *does* mean something to her when we're together. And about the other guy she deliberately chose me over him. Why should I worry? Well, because a part of me thinks that she REALLY loves him and just knows that he's not as stable as I am. But for now, she's with me, and I can't let my fears take over. Just like she can't. I have to hold myself to the same standard.
So in the end, I don't know what I'm going to do about these things. I'll go slightly crazy thinking about it, but it's probably for no reason. I do that sometimes. And if I bring it up to her, it's likely to just stress her out. Why should it? Because she needs me to be a break away from other drama, and not a second-guessing idiot.
I just hope she's truly sincere. Because if she's not, I'm going to end up being hurt really badly.
-MXV
Yesterday was so great, and I feel like a big weight has been temporarily lifted off of me. Why temporarily? Well, I know how things are, I know my insecurities, and I know that sometimes M just isn't herself at all.
She's not mad at me for reading her Myspace anymore (which is good because it would be pretty dumb if she was), and explained a lot of things leading up to why she would be making contact with the guy she knows isn't one she should be keeping ties with for the time.
Apparently, the "virginity" guy initiated the conversation with her, and for some reason her description of the conversation on her Myspace is a little different from what she told me. And also, she messaged the guy I mentioned before in order to ask him something about that event, and wasn't sure that she could talk to me about ot at the time. She says she sort of broke her silence string with hum by doing this. I do see that she messaged him a couple days before this happened, and I don't know what to make of that.
Please, don't let her by lying to me. Please, let me be enough for her.
Before I saw these things, I wasn't even all that worried about us. I mean, she was so great yesterday that it seemed like we could do anything if we only stayed focused on what we were doing (yet, oddly, the best way to do that is to stay focused on NOT dwelling on the negative so much).
I've gone from being just happy, to having a couple questions for her that I'm not sure how to ask without it coming off like I don't trust her.
I'll probably just ask why it took her so long to IM him about what had happened. I don't know. I am also really curious about the little message she sent to him right before this ("What should you have done?" in bold letters, after he made the statement that he "made the wrong decision", possibly by getting with his current chick). Maybe it was actually at the same time, and she just waited a little while before posting her own messages. Again, I don't know ... but the way yesterday went, she probably has a good reason behind it.
I'm probably just being paranoid. Reading too much Nazhan into M. After going through that whole saga, it wouldn't surprise me a bit.
If she's using me, there's a good enough chance that I'm going to end up letting her do it, because I won't want to believe that it's happening. And because I don't want to ruin such a great thing by being the paranoid, jealous boyfriend.
This is all new to me. I don't quite know how to handle myself in these situations.
When they're not around, and when we're not anywhere near her home, we hit it off so well that it's just amazing to me. Even with our missing musical link (that I never thought I could handle after the last time), it's just so great.
I don't know what's going to happen with us, and I still have my worries, but still, I thank God for bringing her into my life. Whatever happens, it will almost certainly be worth it to have what we do now. I love her, and even through my slight paranoia, I can see that she loves me too. It *does* mean something to her when we're together. And about the other guy she deliberately chose me over him. Why should I worry? Well, because a part of me thinks that she REALLY loves him and just knows that he's not as stable as I am. But for now, she's with me, and I can't let my fears take over. Just like she can't. I have to hold myself to the same standard.
So in the end, I don't know what I'm going to do about these things. I'll go slightly crazy thinking about it, but it's probably for no reason. I do that sometimes. And if I bring it up to her, it's likely to just stress her out. Why should it? Because she needs me to be a break away from other drama, and not a second-guessing idiot.
I just hope she's truly sincere. Because if she's not, I'm going to end up being hurt really badly.
-MXV