So, this is technically the same day as the last message I posted, but in any case, I'm supposed to see her in a couple hours now.
I was feeling a lot better about the situation after talking with her last, and I really hope the same thing happens after today. I didn't want there to be any kind of necessary "serious talk" today, but I think that will come up anyway.
When I was trying to sleep, a few things she told me just kinda haunted me a bit. She wants me to love her if we're going to be together, or have sex. But in other circumstances, sex to her is nothing more than a physical act. Reproduction. It just happens to feel good.
Now, if this were someone I was just messing around with or whatever, this would be an almost - no, honestly, not *almost* - EXCITING thing to hear. Yay. She's easy. But what does that say about me, in that case? It's not like I "get around" a whole lot and there are reasons for that.
During orgasm, your brain will fixate itself on the person you're with and actually make a change. Something deeper is going on than just feeling good for the fuck of it. And she's admitted that she's relatively promiscuous not because she likes the sex itself that much, but because she's LOOKING for a missing emotional connection, and will take whatever she can get to fill the void. She's also said that if anything happens to us, she'd have some sort of rebound sex in order to punish herself. Not to try to threaten me or anything; she was just being honest. *sigh*
No, I don't accept that it's all about nothing more than copulation to her. But that's what she said last night.
If she maintains that stance, it will hurt. Because it means something to ME. After so long of her WANTING it to mean something to me, now I need it to mean something more to HER. I don't know what's wrong with this, but she said it pretty definitively last night. It can't be true, because it clashes with so many other things she's said. She really doesn't KNOW what she thinks about sex, and I think she'll justify whatever she wants to in any way that she can.
But can I really be in a meaningful relationship with this person?
Another thing. She felt "violated" because I read her Myspace journal. MYSPACE of all things. She posts a thought there for all to read, and even includes comments like "If you're reading this, then you'll be wondering..." and shit like that. But when I see something REALLY troubling to me on there, she says that she feels like her privacy has been violated because I read her public blog.
What the fuck.
There have been a few times before that I thought it might be the last time I saw her. I'm thinking that once again. I love her, but if she doesn't really love ME, then I can't hurt us by carrying this on. But damn it, if she really DOES love me as she says she does, then I just want to hold her and make everything okay. Not like I realistically CAN do the second part of that, but I WANT to.
We'll see how it goes. Today should be a fun day, but later on in the evening, other topics are going to end up being brought up, whether either of us really want them to or not.
And my internet connection fucking SUCKS. DSL and all, but WIRELESS router. I fucking hate it. I can't even post my blog because of this piece of shit. But anyway...
-MXV
I was feeling a lot better about the situation after talking with her last, and I really hope the same thing happens after today. I didn't want there to be any kind of necessary "serious talk" today, but I think that will come up anyway.
When I was trying to sleep, a few things she told me just kinda haunted me a bit. She wants me to love her if we're going to be together, or have sex. But in other circumstances, sex to her is nothing more than a physical act. Reproduction. It just happens to feel good.
Now, if this were someone I was just messing around with or whatever, this would be an almost - no, honestly, not *almost* - EXCITING thing to hear. Yay. She's easy. But what does that say about me, in that case? It's not like I "get around" a whole lot and there are reasons for that.
During orgasm, your brain will fixate itself on the person you're with and actually make a change. Something deeper is going on than just feeling good for the fuck of it. And she's admitted that she's relatively promiscuous not because she likes the sex itself that much, but because she's LOOKING for a missing emotional connection, and will take whatever she can get to fill the void. She's also said that if anything happens to us, she'd have some sort of rebound sex in order to punish herself. Not to try to threaten me or anything; she was just being honest. *sigh*
No, I don't accept that it's all about nothing more than copulation to her. But that's what she said last night.
If she maintains that stance, it will hurt. Because it means something to ME. After so long of her WANTING it to mean something to me, now I need it to mean something more to HER. I don't know what's wrong with this, but she said it pretty definitively last night. It can't be true, because it clashes with so many other things she's said. She really doesn't KNOW what she thinks about sex, and I think she'll justify whatever she wants to in any way that she can.
But can I really be in a meaningful relationship with this person?
Another thing. She felt "violated" because I read her Myspace journal. MYSPACE of all things. She posts a thought there for all to read, and even includes comments like "If you're reading this, then you'll be wondering..." and shit like that. But when I see something REALLY troubling to me on there, she says that she feels like her privacy has been violated because I read her public blog.
What the fuck.
There have been a few times before that I thought it might be the last time I saw her. I'm thinking that once again. I love her, but if she doesn't really love ME, then I can't hurt us by carrying this on. But damn it, if she really DOES love me as she says she does, then I just want to hold her and make everything okay. Not like I realistically CAN do the second part of that, but I WANT to.
We'll see how it goes. Today should be a fun day, but later on in the evening, other topics are going to end up being brought up, whether either of us really want them to or not.
And my internet connection fucking SUCKS. DSL and all, but WIRELESS router. I fucking hate it. I can't even post my blog because of this piece of shit. But anyway...
-MXV