mxv

Reload


Sometimes turmoil just loves to compound itself with an everincreasing number of additional layers. And of course, with a layer of chocolate syrup on top sp that it looks appealing to anyone else unfamiliar with the details. It's as if it isn't happy enough throwing the biggest monkey at you that you've ever seen. In fact, sometimes I'd about swear that life is "out...
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Okay, I've got to make a new post. I look back at this and it's just a flurry of bitches and whines about Megan. Eh, well I suppose I had a surprisingly rough time with that, but within a few weeks it was fine. I should have come back sooner to update my shit, but I'm lazy sometimes I suppose.

It's so strange now how...
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Thoughts over New Year's

Enough here to post before Week 3


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In one sense
I should be pretty self-assured
After all, I got Megan on my own
Why wouldn't I be good enough?
Then again
By the "end"
She seemed to be wavering
But was it because of me?
Or just her?
Did the mention of my fears
Drive her away?
Hadn't she always...
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Thoughts from week 2


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She's only been 21 a couple months
Where's the surprise that she had only been to a bar twice?
Especially since I wanted to take her
And she knew that I didn't want to push her
Against seeing Tony
She did that on her own
I let her know she didn't have to do it
And then suddenly she shifts...
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What a twisted reality we've created for ourselves


Thoughts from week 1 (a little delayed)


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How can she be gone?
I just needed her to love me
To care about my feelings
To help me face my fears
To tell me that everything would be okay

But she couldn't
And so I couldn't let go
The way I needed to
And now we deny...
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*pluck* She wants to date other people
*pluck* She doesn't want to date other people
*pluck* She wants to date other people
*pluck* She doesn't want to date other people


Because it *IS* dating. No way around that one.


Her decision will decide everything.


I'll find out Friday night.


Or maybe Thursday. As much as I want to ask for her decision after a happy...
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Well, today has been very interesting indeed.


First, it was an almost opposite of how I was feeling 2 days ago in the middle of typing up my blog here. It was like NOTHING could bother me ALL DAY. I wasn't worried about anything, and I wasn't even feeling like my normal "bluuugh, but I'm okay anyway" self. It was almost like I was afterglowing,...
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So I've been thinking it's not really THAT big a deal.


Once I got to work yesterday and started my proper day, my fears just seemed to change. It's amazing what can happen when your brain is processing better and the anxieties aren't so strong. For a little while, it was like I wasn't afraid at ALL.


As in so she's got a friend. If...
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I know that it was technically today that I posted the last message, but since my schedule runs later than most, I still consider it last night.


I didn't get much sleep due to watching a movie with DN and driving his ass to a place near his job so that he could see if they had his cell phone. Blaugh.


So anyway, this might...
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I had the most wonderful time this weekend with Megan.


How else can I say it? She's so fucking great, and I love her so much. We were talking about the different ways sex can be between people (marriage only; between someone you love; casual social activity), and she said that THIS is the way that it should be. With me, because she loves me....
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So I just thought of this, and figured I should write it down before next week comes, and I don't know what the fuck I'll even be thinking about by then.


M hasn't been hanging out with any of the guys that she's slept with before. One guy in particular might still be a friend of hers if it weren't for this. When she told...
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