Since the beginning of last week, I've felt like a shit-heel in my personal life. Suffice to say, I feel awfully sorry for unintentionally hurting someone's feelings with some behaviour that even I have a hard time understanding.
At issue is this site and whether or not I ought to be here. MK, who I've been madly in love with for over 2 years, lives far away. Is she a Suicidegirl type? Well, that's not exactly a fair question, but yes she is, although she would never consider posing and isn't "bi-curious" enough (as she put it) to belong here. For whatever the reasons are that I don't even fully understand, I never told her I was keeping a journal here, or even had a subscription. It was a bit of a secret I was hiding, because I was honeslty afraid it would make her uncomfortable.
Last week, she found out about this page of mine, here, and two things happened. She felt betrayed I had never told her, and she felt uncomfortable that I could be communicating with girls who are a lot like her yet who are mostly seen naked.
If you knew MK, you'd see that her reaction makes alot of sense, because she is very sensitive and trusting. And she isn't upset by pornography or that the girls here are demystified and real; she's upset because they are very much real, and, in her eyes, something I shoudn't be dedicating much attention to while the two of us are seperated by a big distance. This is why I feel like a shit-heel, and why we're trying to figure out new ground for trust and what it takes to give eachother some positive self images (okay, that sounds sooo therapy-laden, but it's a tough nail for us to hammer, so I wanted to say it). I mean, being long-distance is not easy, and while this site can be good for getting your rocks off, there are certain aspects that are not exactly great to be too engaged in while in a relationship. So, maybe there are more issues with this site than friends and relatives acting wonky because a girl they care about has posed naked here. I have to wonder if there are more people like me here who don't integrate this internet thing very well with real life. But I know some of you are very open and do it very well (aka. Jam and Sumgirl and O, etc).
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The dinner party went exceedingly well. We ate and cavorted and drank around the kitchen table until the wee hours. The tofu paella with vegetarian "chicken-esque" broth in its ingredient list was ass, though. Oh well. Since then, I went to Banff for 3 days and played cards in the cold and rain with my 2 cousins from California. It's suppose to be August, not cold like November!
I wrote two midterms, and I still haven't heard a thing from my MIA English prof who is killing my degree. It looks as though I'll have to formally appeal if I don't hear from him next week, because I only have until Aug 30th to apply to graduate.
And, I'm trying to get my Atari 400 back up and running. Anyone have an old Atari 1050 disk drive and a spare Basic cartridge?
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Mr. Takora: sweet lawd o massy, you'd better have a go at those saltines soon, or I will surely die.
Robosushi: what music does your band play?
At issue is this site and whether or not I ought to be here. MK, who I've been madly in love with for over 2 years, lives far away. Is she a Suicidegirl type? Well, that's not exactly a fair question, but yes she is, although she would never consider posing and isn't "bi-curious" enough (as she put it) to belong here. For whatever the reasons are that I don't even fully understand, I never told her I was keeping a journal here, or even had a subscription. It was a bit of a secret I was hiding, because I was honeslty afraid it would make her uncomfortable.
Last week, she found out about this page of mine, here, and two things happened. She felt betrayed I had never told her, and she felt uncomfortable that I could be communicating with girls who are a lot like her yet who are mostly seen naked.
If you knew MK, you'd see that her reaction makes alot of sense, because she is very sensitive and trusting. And she isn't upset by pornography or that the girls here are demystified and real; she's upset because they are very much real, and, in her eyes, something I shoudn't be dedicating much attention to while the two of us are seperated by a big distance. This is why I feel like a shit-heel, and why we're trying to figure out new ground for trust and what it takes to give eachother some positive self images (okay, that sounds sooo therapy-laden, but it's a tough nail for us to hammer, so I wanted to say it). I mean, being long-distance is not easy, and while this site can be good for getting your rocks off, there are certain aspects that are not exactly great to be too engaged in while in a relationship. So, maybe there are more issues with this site than friends and relatives acting wonky because a girl they care about has posed naked here. I have to wonder if there are more people like me here who don't integrate this internet thing very well with real life. But I know some of you are very open and do it very well (aka. Jam and Sumgirl and O, etc).
---
The dinner party went exceedingly well. We ate and cavorted and drank around the kitchen table until the wee hours. The tofu paella with vegetarian "chicken-esque" broth in its ingredient list was ass, though. Oh well. Since then, I went to Banff for 3 days and played cards in the cold and rain with my 2 cousins from California. It's suppose to be August, not cold like November!
I wrote two midterms, and I still haven't heard a thing from my MIA English prof who is killing my degree. It looks as though I'll have to formally appeal if I don't hear from him next week, because I only have until Aug 30th to apply to graduate.
And, I'm trying to get my Atari 400 back up and running. Anyone have an old Atari 1050 disk drive and a spare Basic cartridge?
---
Mr. Takora: sweet lawd o massy, you'd better have a go at those saltines soon, or I will surely die.
Robosushi: what music does your band play?
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
chiquita:
soo....what compelled you to write about your personal situation on the very site that is causing the problem? i don't mean that to sound confrontational, but just wonder what good you think will come out of it...
mutagen:
Why did I say all that? Because MK reads this now (she accepts that I want to keep an online journal and that I seem to prefer this to blogger.com - and she says she really doesn't mind - but we'll see how this goes). Also, because if anyone else is had or is having similar issues because of this site, they'll at least see that it's not just them (provided they read this).