I just had a battle with a cockroach the size of a mouse!
I've lived in New York City for a while now and I've seen giant roaches, but I have never seen a roach this big before, or this stealthy.
I hate bugs, I'm like the cartoon lady who jumps up on the chair and screams...
I have mice in my apartment too (It's a very clean place, but I made the mistake of being the only unit in my building to not use an exterminator last month and so all the vermin have come to my place for safe haven.) The mice don't bother me that much, although I wish they weren't here either...they are at least cute diesease carrying bastards, but roaches are disgusting and this was the king of roaches.
I was on the phone with my sister and we were discussing dinner plans when all of the sudden I look down and there it was. It must have been 3-4 inches long, with even longer antennae. Holy Shit!
I looked at it, it looked back at me and I asked it to leave. Well first I said into the phone "Ahh! Holy fucking shit, this is the biggest roach I've ever seen! Oh shit!" Then all that looking.
My sister immediately started laughing at me of course and began to offer battle strategies. "Take the shoes you don't care about, and brace yourself you're going to feel a big crunch." In between screaming like a naked teenager in a B horror movie and jumping up and down, I calmly explained that I would simply move to a new apartment and let the roach have this one.
But with the coaching from my sister, I put my shoes on...not the ones I was to use to try and kill "the thing" but, a sturdy pair that would protect me in case the roach was out for toes! I then got my steel toes boots and started. Started to stare at the giant roach and freeze in terror that is.
After about 3 minutes of standing and looking and checking the paper for new apartments, I decided to make my move....and so did "it!"
The fucker does a 180 and makes a b-line towards my door. I am more than happy to oblidge it and rip open my thirty safety locks. They may keep the bad guys out, but they also were keeping the monster roach in!
So I get the door open and it turns at a right angle...the roach is a lush, it's heading right for my bar!
Panic stricken I start to very quickly move the bottles of Jack, Chivas, Japanese plum wine to the other side of the apartment,so I could lift the bar up and over the roach, because I know once he goes under the bar, I'll lose him and the next time I'll see him he'll be on my fucking face as I wake up to see it, vomit and die.
I start to lift the bar and I hear a KRUNCH! Oh shit! I squished the fucker's head under the bottom corner.
You might think this is victory, but for me it is a terrible defeat. Now I have to handle the roach as opposed to letting it walk out on it's own regognizance. Bah! Bleech! UIgh!
So now my sister is giving me advice on how to get rid of this half roach/ half Andre the giant. "Take a bunch of paper towels and you won't even feel it." Yeah right, how many women have I told that to, I can smell karmic retribution rearing it's ugly head. "Get a garbage bag and a sponge!" Huh?
I take the boot as start to move it closer and closer, about 5 inches away the fucker moves! I took it's fucking head off and it's moving, and not just headless chicken craziness, we're talking fucking decision making, how can I escape and lay eggs in this guy's eye balls, movements.
So I lift the bar up and notice that it can't use it's hind legs. So it is literally dragging it's ass across my floor but it's front arms, or tentacles or spooky thingees, whatever they call them,
At first it starts to move towards the door again...and I put a book of matches to make my apartment handicapped accessible, but this only makes King Roach minus hind legs turn the other way!
That's it, it is time for bravery! I take the boot and swing it at the roach...and miss it by 2 feet since I am so terrified. On the fourth try I make contact and the little giant fucker sails across my apartment and lands right on the border between my door and the outside world.
I give it one more swift kick in the roach ass and watch as it sails over the bannister and flys down at least two flights of stairs, screaming the whole way down like the emperor in Return of the Jedi, shooting evil roach lightening and hissing as it goes to it's doom.
Fuck roaches and giant fuck giant roaches!
FIN
I've lived in New York City for a while now and I've seen giant roaches, but I have never seen a roach this big before, or this stealthy.
I hate bugs, I'm like the cartoon lady who jumps up on the chair and screams...
I have mice in my apartment too (It's a very clean place, but I made the mistake of being the only unit in my building to not use an exterminator last month and so all the vermin have come to my place for safe haven.) The mice don't bother me that much, although I wish they weren't here either...they are at least cute diesease carrying bastards, but roaches are disgusting and this was the king of roaches.
I was on the phone with my sister and we were discussing dinner plans when all of the sudden I look down and there it was. It must have been 3-4 inches long, with even longer antennae. Holy Shit!
I looked at it, it looked back at me and I asked it to leave. Well first I said into the phone "Ahh! Holy fucking shit, this is the biggest roach I've ever seen! Oh shit!" Then all that looking.
My sister immediately started laughing at me of course and began to offer battle strategies. "Take the shoes you don't care about, and brace yourself you're going to feel a big crunch." In between screaming like a naked teenager in a B horror movie and jumping up and down, I calmly explained that I would simply move to a new apartment and let the roach have this one.
But with the coaching from my sister, I put my shoes on...not the ones I was to use to try and kill "the thing" but, a sturdy pair that would protect me in case the roach was out for toes! I then got my steel toes boots and started. Started to stare at the giant roach and freeze in terror that is.
After about 3 minutes of standing and looking and checking the paper for new apartments, I decided to make my move....and so did "it!"
The fucker does a 180 and makes a b-line towards my door. I am more than happy to oblidge it and rip open my thirty safety locks. They may keep the bad guys out, but they also were keeping the monster roach in!
So I get the door open and it turns at a right angle...the roach is a lush, it's heading right for my bar!
Panic stricken I start to very quickly move the bottles of Jack, Chivas, Japanese plum wine to the other side of the apartment,so I could lift the bar up and over the roach, because I know once he goes under the bar, I'll lose him and the next time I'll see him he'll be on my fucking face as I wake up to see it, vomit and die.
I start to lift the bar and I hear a KRUNCH! Oh shit! I squished the fucker's head under the bottom corner.
You might think this is victory, but for me it is a terrible defeat. Now I have to handle the roach as opposed to letting it walk out on it's own regognizance. Bah! Bleech! UIgh!
So now my sister is giving me advice on how to get rid of this half roach/ half Andre the giant. "Take a bunch of paper towels and you won't even feel it." Yeah right, how many women have I told that to, I can smell karmic retribution rearing it's ugly head. "Get a garbage bag and a sponge!" Huh?
I take the boot as start to move it closer and closer, about 5 inches away the fucker moves! I took it's fucking head off and it's moving, and not just headless chicken craziness, we're talking fucking decision making, how can I escape and lay eggs in this guy's eye balls, movements.
So I lift the bar up and notice that it can't use it's hind legs. So it is literally dragging it's ass across my floor but it's front arms, or tentacles or spooky thingees, whatever they call them,
At first it starts to move towards the door again...and I put a book of matches to make my apartment handicapped accessible, but this only makes King Roach minus hind legs turn the other way!
That's it, it is time for bravery! I take the boot and swing it at the roach...and miss it by 2 feet since I am so terrified. On the fourth try I make contact and the little giant fucker sails across my apartment and lands right on the border between my door and the outside world.
I give it one more swift kick in the roach ass and watch as it sails over the bannister and flys down at least two flights of stairs, screaming the whole way down like the emperor in Return of the Jedi, shooting evil roach lightening and hissing as it goes to it's doom.
Fuck roaches and giant fuck giant roaches!
FIN