musim

My mind has been slipping over the years, growing numb and stagnant. I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to make it more again. I receive moments of clarity where everything focuses and makes sense again. Where I understand that so many tortures and acts are meaningless. Where I can see the enjoyable acts in life. The pursuit of knowledge and expansion of the brain. I wonder what has specifically caused my decline in mental activity. Where did all the epiphonies go? Why does the wonder in the world not matter most of the time to me? I think about how my memory works. At times it is more accurate than many people's but the majority of the time my head can't focus enough to remember. I relate to the character Elijah Snow in Planetary in this aspect. Maybe that's the genius of his character. I wonder what brings this specific moment of clarity to me. What is it I'm doing different? Has it been the amount of reading I've been doing the last few months? Is it the jazz playing in the background of the coffee shop I'm at (I'm pretty sure its either Miles Davis or John Coltrane)? Why have I lowered myself into the social sequence of groups and exclusion when like all people I am beyond group. Perhaps it is the fall that inspires me. The lack of heat to drain my sequence of actions during the day. Maybe it is the coffee. Probably not the coffee. Why have I given up on so many facets of life? I exercise not to stay healthy and thin but because I think the only way to get a girl is to deceive her with good looks since my personality typically sends them running. If I exercised to stay healthy then jogging, yoga, and martial arts would be a regular part of my life. Perhaps it is being somewhere away from the security of known surrounds. While not a completely different action there is a certain independence to studying alone in a coffee shop. Physics 2 teaches me that my view of the world is narrow and I question whether my brain will ever be able to fully grasp the science I am majoring in. Perhaps it is my cell phone destroying my brain with radio waves. Maybe it is the amount of noise I surround myself with to keep my mind occupied. Adult Swim, mp3s, and homework. Its hard to focus in my room. Makes homework more difficult than it already is. There is no need for fame or accomplishment. There is a need for seeing the world's wonders. To see what we have built. I've been thinking about things all wrong. Its all backwards. I wonder how long this "making sense" will last? I'm writing this hurridly in hopes that I won't forget. That someday I will look back and read and maybe things will come back together again. I need to buy some jazz.