musicshapedhole

Shamely enough, from the time that I was about 15 and on, til about 18 months ago, I was one of those guys who wanted to change people. I wanted to mold the girl to my idea of perfection, and the harder I tried, the worse things became. Little did I know that perfection is just letting it be. That was my biggest err in the relationship world, ever.

There was one girl that I let slip away (and by slip away, I mean.. I pushed away), and oddly enough, I had never felt as much love, if that's what it was, for a gal as I have her. And it tore me up for so amazingly long... which sort of spawned a riot of self-discovery. If I were to go back into time, I wouldn't even recognize myself.

I've had two fairly major relationships since I entered into that self-discovery stage, and I did something that I never thought I could do. I had some fun and enjoyable relationships. Granted, they both ended for various reasons, but they were the best I've ever had. And the biggest reason why they were so good? Because I wasn't out to change anybody. Towards the end of the first relationship, the gal started to try and change me and I sort of dealt with it for a couple months before things came to a halt.. but it felt a bit crappy knowing that you a.) weren't living up to their standards and b.) were mostly-concerned with making this person happy, so you would cave and try to change in spite of your own mediocre attitude towards life.

Yeah, that doesn't work.

My grandparents told me something a couple years ago that I wasn't really quite sure how to take. "We've always sort of pictured you as a lifelong bachelor." Well now, that could be both bad and good. I tend to stick to my own for the most part, but one of my biggest desires in life was to have my own family. That includes a loving wife, a future mother, a future grandmother, a friend to share things with, someone to grow old with, and someone to die with. I want the house with the two kids, the mid-life crisis car, the smell of freshly-cut grass, the trips to Europe, and all that wonderful life-granted liberty.

And the more that I realize how alone I feel and have no immediate romantic prospects, the more that I also realize how ready I am to start pursuing all of that.

I am so emo. Right on. Now if I could only play the guitar a bit better.