My self-esteem is taking a beating this week. I need to learn to perform fellatio on myself so I can go on a hermitage for a time.
A met a new boy up in Ukiah last weekend, and things between us have been practically non-existent since. I was expecting something like this, but I suppose I wasn't expecting it so soon. I had grown accustomed to our new relationship dynamic, but I knew it wasn't sustainable. She's monogamous, and she wants what most women want, which isn't what I have to offer her. She'll enjoy the sex, but eventually, she's going to want a relationship, and that means severing things with me. I've tried a few times now to put some distance between us, telling her that I'm becoming emotionally attached to her in new ways, and that it's going to hurt when she decides to end things between us in favor of being exclusive with someone else. She was almost dismissive of those feelings; now here we are. I've told her that I'm starting to feel like her hold-over lover, the relationship that doesn't require any maintenance or investment on her end. She gets her needs met with me until such a time she can find a partner, at which point he'll meet her needs. Leaving me to deal. Part of me wants to tell her to get lost, but the sex... well, it's pretty incredible. And if she and I weren't sleeping together, that'd just leave me and S, and well...
I thought S and I were going to spend the evening together, or at least that's the impression I got as I we were headed to bed last night. I asked what her plans were for the evening, and she'd said that she was intending on visiting her friend, and that she'd probably be open to hanging out afterward. In S-speak, that means she wants me to commit to hanging out.
I texted her tonight after I came home from work to ask her what her plan was. She informed me that she was over her friend's, but when they finished, she was contemplating attending a swinger's party. That's fine, in and of itself, but the complications arise from me feeling like I'm being blown off and me wondering why she's not asking me to go with. Since we've gotten together, I've been plain about my interest in that scene. Meanwhile, she's had nothing positive to say about that lifestyle, even as recently as last night, when she was complaining about how swing clubs and parties don't seem to have the same standard of boundaries and consent that you find in the BDSM events she attends.
That's the capper to my week. I saw S twice and both times it was strained and weird, and A was unavailable. I feel a small undercurrent of resentment starting to build. Last week, when S and I were beginning this rough patch, she felt the need for some physical affection. For her, it was as simple as logging on to Craigslist and posting an ad : I need a boy to snuggle me, no sexual contact, please. Bam. A few hours later, new boy (who she has apparently since started to fuck) delivered to the home for movie snuggles. Me? I have a penis. All that's out.
/angst
A met a new boy up in Ukiah last weekend, and things between us have been practically non-existent since. I was expecting something like this, but I suppose I wasn't expecting it so soon. I had grown accustomed to our new relationship dynamic, but I knew it wasn't sustainable. She's monogamous, and she wants what most women want, which isn't what I have to offer her. She'll enjoy the sex, but eventually, she's going to want a relationship, and that means severing things with me. I've tried a few times now to put some distance between us, telling her that I'm becoming emotionally attached to her in new ways, and that it's going to hurt when she decides to end things between us in favor of being exclusive with someone else. She was almost dismissive of those feelings; now here we are. I've told her that I'm starting to feel like her hold-over lover, the relationship that doesn't require any maintenance or investment on her end. She gets her needs met with me until such a time she can find a partner, at which point he'll meet her needs. Leaving me to deal. Part of me wants to tell her to get lost, but the sex... well, it's pretty incredible. And if she and I weren't sleeping together, that'd just leave me and S, and well...
I thought S and I were going to spend the evening together, or at least that's the impression I got as I we were headed to bed last night. I asked what her plans were for the evening, and she'd said that she was intending on visiting her friend, and that she'd probably be open to hanging out afterward. In S-speak, that means she wants me to commit to hanging out.
I texted her tonight after I came home from work to ask her what her plan was. She informed me that she was over her friend's, but when they finished, she was contemplating attending a swinger's party. That's fine, in and of itself, but the complications arise from me feeling like I'm being blown off and me wondering why she's not asking me to go with. Since we've gotten together, I've been plain about my interest in that scene. Meanwhile, she's had nothing positive to say about that lifestyle, even as recently as last night, when she was complaining about how swing clubs and parties don't seem to have the same standard of boundaries and consent that you find in the BDSM events she attends.
That's the capper to my week. I saw S twice and both times it was strained and weird, and A was unavailable. I feel a small undercurrent of resentment starting to build. Last week, when S and I were beginning this rough patch, she felt the need for some physical affection. For her, it was as simple as logging on to Craigslist and posting an ad : I need a boy to snuggle me, no sexual contact, please. Bam. A few hours later, new boy (who she has apparently since started to fuck) delivered to the home for movie snuggles. Me? I have a penis. All that's out.
/angst