mun573r

I feel like less of a man. Wallowing in my own self pity, and furthermore sharing how i feel. Im glad that i at least feel something, its better than the emotional numbness that i have felt for awhile. I really dont know what it is.. I feel so alone. What makes me feel so detached from everything? Im 2 hours away from my family, the family that means more to me than anything. Yet i dont care to go home and see them. Im finally succumbing to the loneliness not even one week after moving in in. I feel so hollow, its fucking weird. I cant explain it. I went to go drop off more shit to my ex, driving there was an anxiety attack in itself. She was happy, bright and smiling. Not at the fact of seeing me but just happy about life. She said "Is everything ok? You look like you have lost a lot of weight?" I had nothing to say. Can people really see what im going though? I try my damnest to hide it at work, but yet people ask me if im ok? It didnt register until this point when she asked me, do i really look like shit? Yeah ive lost 10lbs but thats just because im broke i thought. Ugh. Looking at her made me think, why did i end it with her? Shes gorgeous, shes like me, she understands all my complications, whats wrong with her? Maybe im delusional, why was i second guessing myself? Mixed up emotions, fucked up complications, chemical imbalances in my brain. Why me? Why Bi Polar and OCD? Why cant i be normal? I feel so alone. But i keep telling myself i feel something. Ugh.. I need tomorrow to come quick, i need that 8 hours of getting stabbed in my arm. Tattooing is therapeutic, for 8 hours tomorrow ill be happy. Sitting there with some metal cranked hanging out with a bunch of fucking people like me, for 8 hours ill escape the world. I should probably stop blogging, in this state i could go on forever. Now that im done with my semi incoherent rant, ill go back to drinking some Full Moon and blasting Marilyn Manson's Mechanical Animals.


Can i has a happy blog soon?