Six years
spent
and I ain't got shit to show for it
except a raging case of extreme cuntosis.
I'm sorry if I'm not sharing anything good today, I'm not particularly upset at anyone other than myself for being so fucking delusional... what made me think I was so fucking special... He didn't "get" me any more than I "got" him. I just wouldn't give up. I wanted to take him inside me and incubate his spirit...make him better, shield him from his fucked up family, help him become the man I thought he wanted to be. That together we'd see things and be people that were unimaginable alone.
What a fucking joke I am.
Do you think if I had a black bob and never left the house without make up and high heels and my little black & metal box purse that he would have "gotten" me? That he could have loved me the way I needed? If I was more beautiful, would he have hurt me like he did when I was carrying our child? Because He could never look into a beautiful face and tell them that there are some things he cannot do, or places he will not go.
Right?
Whywhywhywhywhywhywhy am I saying this out loud? I just don't care any more... it's easier for me to want to peel my skin off and buy a wig than to give myself permission to let go. I'm not big enough to be a fair human being to myself today.
I DO NOT regret leaving you. I regret leaving myself.
spent
and I ain't got shit to show for it
except a raging case of extreme cuntosis.
I'm sorry if I'm not sharing anything good today, I'm not particularly upset at anyone other than myself for being so fucking delusional... what made me think I was so fucking special... He didn't "get" me any more than I "got" him. I just wouldn't give up. I wanted to take him inside me and incubate his spirit...make him better, shield him from his fucked up family, help him become the man I thought he wanted to be. That together we'd see things and be people that were unimaginable alone.
What a fucking joke I am.
Do you think if I had a black bob and never left the house without make up and high heels and my little black & metal box purse that he would have "gotten" me? That he could have loved me the way I needed? If I was more beautiful, would he have hurt me like he did when I was carrying our child? Because He could never look into a beautiful face and tell them that there are some things he cannot do, or places he will not go.
Right?
Whywhywhywhywhywhywhy am I saying this out loud? I just don't care any more... it's easier for me to want to peel my skin off and buy a wig than to give myself permission to let go. I'm not big enough to be a fair human being to myself today.
I DO NOT regret leaving you. I regret leaving myself.
VIEW 16 of 16 COMMENTS
lil_billy_ben:
You seem cool to me, hope you feel better.
wisp:
Rage is good... Mine was 8 years and 3 years concurrent. Two betrayals and hurt and cowardice all around. But I don't want to peel off my skin its the only thing holding in the occasional rush of dispair. My guess is _healthy_ regrets are the mile markers of emotional accomplishments. *hugs*