mtlqueen

Do you think your life would be easier if you fit into a category? I was taking a trip down memory lane yesterday, sparked by clovesbud's gothic musing... I've always been aware of the fact that I've never been so devoted to one scene that I could just allow myself to be swallowed up... walk the walk, talk the talk, wear the uniform, know the crme de la crme... let me rephrase that, I knew them, and I usually found them to be obnoxious and obsessive about their tiny, contrived universe which they maintained under their control. I was jealous of the simplicity of a life where they always knew what to listen to, what shows to go to, who to impress, what to wear... nothing ever changes... I go out every now and then to hang with my similarly odd-man out group of pals at the goth/industrial clubs here, get hammered, reminisce about the old days... and when we look around, NOTHING has changed, except us. It's very unnerving, we get all wigged out when we see a certain someone doing the same dance routine out there to bauhaus' cover of ziggy stardust... it's just unnatural to dig your heels in that hard! Ah fuck it, who am I to say it's unnatural? For me, obviously...

I've always just done whatever I wanted to do. One night I'd dance till dawn with my gorgeous teenage goth love, the next day I'd drive a carload of boys to a skate demo in michigan and see a gwar show. I'm just as comfortable in a corset as I am in a sweaty wife beater. But I don't need either to enjoy my life, the music I adore, the art I need and make. I was always aware that I never really fit into those categories that make life easier, or at least that's what I always thought. Now I just feel like I missed out on loving something so single mindedly. But I can't change my instincts. The world is huge and beautiful and I just want to experience as much of it as I can, can't stop to customize my ruts... I've just never been image conscious enough to put a huge effort into my appearance on a daily basis...

Did I miss out, or should I just stop thinking about this shit and appreciate that at least I always sought out the things that sparked something in me...