warning. today I kind of hate everything and everything is fucked. but don't worry, by tomorrow I'll have it figured out and I'll put my ugly face away again.
My cousin relapsed on New Year's Eve. I don't know how, but somehow she "smoked a little", big surprise... If someone has been withdrawing for 7 full days, and then all of a sudden leaves the house where she's staying to go hang out with "friends" on New Year's fucking Eve, it's no fucking surprise that she "smoked a little' crack. FUCK. This is so hard. I can't do anything except sit and watch her destroy herself, and I do it from 4,000 kms away. I hate that I hate her addiction. I hate that I feel sad and angry about something I don't have any control over. I hate that her life has become a $400 a day habit that she spends every waking minute delivering it or smoking it. I hate that I feel right now. I don't want to feel anything any more about her. I want to be able to let her go and say with peace in my heart, "It's your decision. See you next time around." Instead here I am writing stream of consciousness bs to a semi-anonymous world, trying to drain myself of emotion so that when I talk to her brother this afternoon I can be supportive to him. He is my best friend, more my brother than my cousin, he was the "man of the family" when he was young, and is taking this really really hard. He's phoning to vent this afternoon.
2006 is still going to be a fucking great year, I don't care how much more shit the universe tosses around.
My cousin relapsed on New Year's Eve. I don't know how, but somehow she "smoked a little", big surprise... If someone has been withdrawing for 7 full days, and then all of a sudden leaves the house where she's staying to go hang out with "friends" on New Year's fucking Eve, it's no fucking surprise that she "smoked a little' crack. FUCK. This is so hard. I can't do anything except sit and watch her destroy herself, and I do it from 4,000 kms away. I hate that I hate her addiction. I hate that I feel sad and angry about something I don't have any control over. I hate that her life has become a $400 a day habit that she spends every waking minute delivering it or smoking it. I hate that I feel right now. I don't want to feel anything any more about her. I want to be able to let her go and say with peace in my heart, "It's your decision. See you next time around." Instead here I am writing stream of consciousness bs to a semi-anonymous world, trying to drain myself of emotion so that when I talk to her brother this afternoon I can be supportive to him. He is my best friend, more my brother than my cousin, he was the "man of the family" when he was young, and is taking this really really hard. He's phoning to vent this afternoon.
2006 is still going to be a fucking great year, I don't care how much more shit the universe tosses around.
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She is lucky to have someone with your fortitude in her corner. When she is ready you'll be there, and somewhere in her drug addled mind she knows that. I love your positivity.