Lately being on my own I feel incredibly affraid.. alone .. unwilling to meet new people… I have never been an extrovert ( more of an intellect) but, managed to maintain friendships over the years. My fear steams not from my anxieties but, from my broken brain..
I have been incredibly self concious… I work very hard to focus.. stay on point.. remember each aspect of a conversation.. trying to remember to speak in English..oh and try to keep a smile… All in hopes that the conversee does not take note that I am struggling..
Our minds are beautiful, they are complex and mysterious…. they hold secrets, images, our likes, dislikes, wonderful memories .. it is limitless…. its the worlds greatest puzzle.. In 2012 my brain stroked …. I was very lucky to have caught it and sought treatment. I also consider myself incredibly lucky because they were able to diagnose my MS.. I know MS and lucky are not used in the same sentence but, how long would it have taken otherwise. MS is greek for most people.. including myself.. everyday is an adventure and a lesson..
Prior to this series of events, I lead a high stress life.. Full Time University MBA student.. Full Time Member of the Management team and Wife.. .. I lived for others.. I worked around the clock .. lived on caffeine and had no outlets. Fast forward to 2016.. I still “work” around the clock on projects but, I work for passion.. my day job pays the bills.. my off hours fills my passions.
I find it hard forging new relationships both acquaintances and on a personal level due to my short term memory issues.. I can tell you what I was wearing in 1997 on June 12 (tie dye, daisy dukes and birks) but what happend this morning is a mystery.. I have found ways to hide it, I always have paper and pen… and I often reflect on every word that is being said. I work hard at being sharp and witty.. somedays I loose that battle.. and I am embarassed .. I have always prided myself on my wit .. all that aside most ppl dont take notice.. When I have an idea or a project in mind I get to it right away.. I dont want to loose that idea.. I dont want to pass up a possible opportunity to help. .. if I dont get to it right away. I will probably find the idea on a paper in my backpack and wonder what it is later…
Not many people my age tire easily or have difficulties with muscle movements (despite constant efforts to remain fit and active) It is really hard to explain to people under the graceful age of 70 that you need an afternoon nap after a few activities .. Not too many suitors really find that fun.. which leads to my fear of meeting people. My Beautiful grey matter works hard, plays hard (for a 90 year old) and needs to be recharged.. I look at it as being sort of a hybrid (alot of batteries but blah) .. I need to be plugged in a little sooner than a diesel would need fuel. (little VW chat )
on the other side of the coin, I like to have fun.. I love to converse and share ideas.. and I get really excited when I feel good and can get out there. In the past I wouldnt mention my short fallings.. litterally falling.. I do fall alot.. and in one case I loss my muscle control at the gym and fell while doing chin ups.. I had to shrug it off.. who wants to tell someone.. Oh .. yeh .. that is just my MS.. my brain is FUCKED haha.. that would scare someone away really quick..
I remember when the office got new flooring and well a little known fact.. You cant feel your feet (or at least I cant) so guess what happen at work… you got it.. I fell .. I didnt get hurt but they will make you go to the hospital.. I spent three weeks there trying to explain I am okay …
All I can do it laugh it off, everyday is an adventure and my beautiful broken brain runs the show…. I need to find away that isnt too scary to get out there.. to find acceptance without being babied ( I am a big girl who can handle my own) I am not scared to ask for help but dont force it .. I want to find someone to share my day to day with.. someone that understands.. or at least wants to understand but it is alot to ask of anyone..
Fear not my Beautiful Broken Brain.. Try to embrace it with me.. Its a journey.. but it is never a dull momment.. It is a limitless vessel ..
