msstabby

I think it's the time of year; the season of rebirth and renewal and whatnot. Or else after my huge overthrow of my old life last spring I am addicted.

I really want to burn me some bridges. Inferno. Purge. Cleanse. Destroy with the intention of re-creating and re-building. Start anew. Rape, pillage, and burn.

I had a "discussion" with a "friend" yesterday about how she is using me for free therapy while at the same time making the same exact choices that make and keep her miserable that she's made for the last fucking 20 years. And the dishonesty of it all. She lies to herself then apologizes to me. This is not my idea of friendship: me being the unpaid therapist, the crutch, the rationalization, the source of the introjected personality for she who is void of same. I was not friends with my clients before, why would I start now? I do not ride this treadmill. Stop the merry-go-round, I want to get off.

And I remember that it takes two to be used, the user and the use-ee. I chose to continue the dance and that choice I own. I made a different choice yesterday.

Friends, you go stand in that circle over there. Clients, you all stand in that circle over there. Notice how they are two different circles with great space between? Yeah. That's how it needs to be. Otherwise there would not be the exchange of money for services.

Mark that one bridge burned.

Duly noted.


The thing is, I have no more to burn. I have no things left to purge. All that remains is internal. So I've been thinking about what inside I shall be rid of. I've been assessing my short-comings, my irritants, my flaws.

My selfishness with my energy. I refuse to share my energy with parasites. I fucking refuse. I worked too long and too fucking hard to rid my life of violence and abuse and broken bones and noses and hearts and sprays of blood on the walls to let it all sneak in under disguise of "friendship". Fuck you. Beware of Trojan Horses who are cheerful and on their best behavior only when I am around.

Now the contradiction of all this is that the more I hoarde my positive energy the more I actually stifle it. One must let the energy flow in order for it to flow. So I've decided not to hoarde, but also to be responsible with where I channel it.

People who are generous in their recoprocity - yes.

People who are parasites with the unquenchable thirst of an endless well - no.

Thank you each one on my friends list.

I am going to find a sangha this summer for practice. I need to be still, to find my way to the source of this impulse to destroy. Or else I will destroy myself. And not in the good way.

Like the man said: Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. -Buddha.