ms_selfdestruct

Why do people have to be so damn fragile but at the same time incredibly resilient. Degenerative diseases are incredibly unfair.

My grandmother is in the final stages of Alzheimer's disease. It has been the most horribly heartwrenching awful thing I have ever experienced. It has to be so fucking slow doesn't it? Just to make them and the people who love them suffer more. For six years I've watched her slip away into darkness. At first, she just started to forget little things, then things from her past, then things from her present, then herself, and finally how to function. Its strange how she doesn't even seem like herself anymore. Gone is the incredibly loving woman who used to have root beer float slurping contests with me. Who used to make me dolls out of felt, sing me silly shoe songs, and play dress up with dozens of crazy scarves. I miss saying that I wanted something and having her say "grammy will buy it for you" even if it was something as ludicrous as a spaceship. All that remains now is an empty shell whose hollow eyes look through me rather than into me. No spark of love, no glimmer of recollection...

At least she not calling me a whore anymore. I should explain. When she still had some cognitive faculties left in her mind she still recognized that my grandfather was her husband, but she didn't know who I was regardless of the fact that I spend everyday there. This led her to believe my grandfather was having an affair with me thus the reason for calling me a whore.

Now its become worse though because I feel this awful guilt when I look at her. You see I must now force myself to remember her and to love her. My mind doesn't want to make the connection between the woman I love and admire and this vacant body sitting in front of me. I don't feel anything for this person I see except for pity. I hate that I have become so apathetic and detached. I think it is just my brain's coping mechanism. I hope...

Yesterday I brought her dinner into the healthcare worker and when Aldouna (healthcare worker) told her her dinner was ready she started saying grandma over and over again and trying to eat the air with her hand. Her mind has some vague recollection of what dinner means but only enough to know to open the mouth and put in nourishment. I think this is cruel and also quite telling. People have that inherent need for survival so much so that even when your body and mind are failing, there is still this need to survive to the extent that the bodies sole purpose and function becomes only this. What good is this? She can't walk, she can't eat solid food, she has to micturate and defecate in a diaper, she can't even keep her eyes open anymore, and the only emotion that registers is sadness. What good is existing in this state? No love, no memories, no ability to think and reason.

Again, I say degenerative diseases are awful and unfair.
Let me die quickly.

I promise to make my next entry a happy one