ms

I have come to the realization that I hate Jack White. Yes, Jack White from the White Stripes. I am sick of Stripe-O-Mania and I am definitely tired of reading interviews with Mr. Pudwhack. Everytime he opens his mouth he makes me want to fucking vomit. I normally only reserve hostility of this nature for racist people and Sandra Bullock but he has somehow managed to warrant the full brunt of my anger. I do not know the guy, I'm sure he's a nice character when he's by himself and no one else is around to listen his meandering chortles of musically bourgeois snippets. But, get him in a room with a journalist who has their lips glued to his puckering anus and he tends to preach to the adoring masses about how great he is and how much everyone else sucks. My latest and greatest point of hostility centers around his disdain (or so he wants us to think) for technology and music that embraces it. I'm supposed to believe that because he recorded their new cd "Elephant" in a fucking shack that only uses an outdated 8-track console and only used mics from the 60's that it is the greatest piece of musical gospel to ever take form. He is the perfect example of someone who argues that everything "mainstream" is crap only because he believes it sets him apart from the pack. Am I the only fucking person on Earth who can see through his barrage of shit. From his amp selection ("The 100 watt Sears Silvertone is the greatest amp ever built.") to his guitar selection (As for guitars, you just have to go to junk shops. You wont be able to find something like the Airline at a pawn shop very often. I dont think you should buy brand new instruments because they havent proven themselves.") to his belief that music recorded using a digital medium is "soulless" is just pure fodder for the media in order to fatten his pockets and keep his extraordinarily untalented ex-wife behind a drum kit that she can barely play. First off, Sears amps suck big dick and Airline guitars belong right up there with old Danelectros. They are not made anymore for good reason (except the Danelectros which are still made): they are fucking horrible. Unless the tuners are changed, a full rewiring is done, and a complete set-up is accomplished; the guitars suck Big Chorizo. I can't deny the fact that some of his songs are catchy ("Fell In Love With a Girl") but give me a fucking break, most of his songs are just rehashed offerings of blues tunes and lack any sort of originalty what-so-ever. I thought I hated The Strokes with a passion, but Jack and his Red-and-White ex-better-half have easily taken their place as the most over-hyped product of the century so far. In fact this "new" phenomenon of "Garage Rock" has made me want to beat the fuck out of every music journalist who bows before these hacks and sings their praises through gritting teeth. The only reason any of these bands are accepted right now is because the state of music in general was in such shambles that society was waiting for something even remotely "new" to come along and save us from the constant harrassment of rap-rock. AHOY!! I see The White Stripes, The Strokes, and The Hives. They have come to save us! Behind them rolls the juggernaut known as MTV and in it's hands it holds SPIN and Rolling Stone to write the scripts of our musical lives. We are saved! Maybe I'm just a cynic. I don't like Pink Floyd. I fucking hate The Grateful Dead. I even despise Bob Dylan. But at the forefront of my barbed tongue sit Jack and Meg White. I can at least put up with N*Sync and the Backstreet Boys. They know that they are nothing more than a Teenie Bopper's fantasy and that is why they are making the money and traveling the world. They do not pretend to be anything other than what they are: musical fodder. They are easy to ignore and are disposable. It is only when a "savior" of music like Jack White comes along that I become enraged and feel the need to vent. The funny thing about these bands is that nobody ever really pays attention to the music because we are too busy straining to hear every word that is brought down from Mt. Warner Bros. by our Musical Moses. I can ignore music. I just don't listen to it. It's as simple as that. If I don't get the message or just do not like what I am hearing I turn it off. The bigger problem is turning the page. I hate interviews for that reason. To be cliche: Opinions are just like assholes, everybody has one. Unfortunately just like assholes, most opinions are full of shit and stink. Hell, possibly even mine.