ms

Oh damn I am so happy. I have worked 8 days straight and I finally have a day off tomorrow. Today actually went by really fast and I could not be more thankful for it. Though I don;t know why I am looking forward to tomorrow. Besides me not having to go to work the rest of the day is going to pretty much suck. I have to clean my room (a fuckin mess...and I don't know why...It's normally super clean), clean my bathroom (actually just tidy up a bit...my bathroom is always clean), mow the lawn (I don't really have to but I might as well), and I have no money to treat myself afterwards. I guess I treated myself too well at the beginning of the month and now I'm paying for it. Oh well. At least I did my good deed for the day. I work with a girl who is not at all very bright when it comes to English and Composition (she claims she's a whiz at math but I have yet to see that and there have been more than a few opportunities pop up for her to flex her skills) so I decided to lend her two of my papers that I wrote last semester so she can see how I arrange my papers. She has a paper due on Anorexia and has yet to start it. She has all of the facts but she did not know how to start the paper. I told her I'd help out so I gave her my papers and showed her the structure I followed for the both of them. Needless to say she was more than confuzzled. Especially when both of my papers had thesis statements that were not of the divided 3-part style. The first paper I showed her was possibly one of the hardest I have ever had the pleasure of writing. It was a definition paper and of course I decided (in my infinite wisdom...yah fuckin right) to write in on the definition of beauty. That paper only brought back bad memories. Not because it was a hard paper to write, but because it was the hardest paper I ever had to start. If you really want to fuck with your mind ask yourself "What is the definition of beauty?" Now proceed to write a paragraph that details the definition of beauty. Not your definition but THE definition of beauty. If it was my definition that paper may have been done in 30 minutes. But I had to give a general definition of beauty, what is beautiful, what defines beautiful. Well after my initial horror at reading that paper again (I recieved 195 out of 200 points and I deserved every damn point) I pulled my next paper. A Causal Analysis essay. Basically cause-and-effect. If the paper on beauty is the hardest thing I ever had to write then the causal analysis is the most heart-wrenching. What should have been three pages ended up being seven. I wrote about a dream I had 6 days after my 24th birthday. It was basically an endless loop of wake up, eat, shower, work, sleep, repeat...over and over and over. It is the scariest fucking thing I have ever dreamt. The scariest part is that it was true. So over the course of the paper I went from the dream to the shock it gave me to enrolling in school to seeing Jessica again to re-establishing contact with my parents. It was like a huge journal entry that covered a one month period of my life. I started reading it again today and felt the lump of sadness pushing it's way to the back of my throat. My eyes started to burn and water. Reading it after not looking at it for 5 months took its toll on me. I reluctantly printed it out but it is one of the better papers I have written and I promised her I would help her as best as I could. The hardest part of reading that paper is reading about Jessica. I can't believe I felt so strongly about a person only to have disregard me as a human. I started thinking about what led to her eventual banning from my life and I realized nothing really did. At least nothing I did. For once I had nothing to do with someone exiting my life...and I felt awful about it. I was as perfect a pseudo-boyfriend as anyone could possibly be and that still was/is not good enough. I'm at even more of a loss now then I was when she first left. I had the biggest urge to drive to apartment and get drunk on her stairwell and wait for her to come home. Not to bitch her out or call names. And not to pleade for her to come back and allow to be blessed (cursed?) by her presence. But just to find out "why?" Why would she desert someone who did nothing but take care of her. When she needed a taxi home from a hard night of getting drunk and making out with some random guy did she call her other friends? No. Did she call her brother? No. Parents? No. She called me. And I never once brought up the fact that I was sleeping and had to be up in 4 hours. I never brought up the fact that she was supposed to hang out with me that night but cancelled at the last minute because she was tired. Too tired to have dinner and talk with me not too tired to go out with her friend Joy. I never brought up the fact that I have never had to ask her to give up anything for me but that I was constantly giving up for her, I never brought up anything. I just let her know I was happy that she decided to call me instead of trying to drive home. I was just happy she was ok. I never fussed when she could not go out with me because she had other plans, even though we had made plans the week before. In fact the only time she ever kept plans with me is when she had nothing better to do. When she tore her ACL and couldn't go out drinking did her other friends come visit her. No the didn't. Did they even visit her while she was in the hospital so she wasn't alone? No, I visited her. Were they there help get to the bathroom or wash her dishes or cook her dinner or clean her apartment or go grocery shopping for her? No they were not there for that. I was. Did they make sure her body was thoroughly massaged so she could fall asleep at least semi-comfortable? No they did not. And yet here I am complaining about how we are not friends anymore when I should be happy that I don't have to be her friend on her terms. And all because of that fucking paper. I believed for the longest time that the best thing I ever had in my life walked away without looking back. And after I had closed that chapter and was moving on here comes a girl who needs help with her homework and it brings all the pain back. The doubt creeps up again. I hurts to be surrounded by people who care about you and yet still be the loneliest person in the world all because of one part of your life that is missing. It hurts. Sometimes people write a quote after a journal entry or put it there as their signature on everything they do. The one quote that sticks out in my mind the most right now is:

"I love you Mike." , Jessica B.

It's also the worst lie anyone has ever told me. So much for being happy about having tomorrow off.