I need a vacation. I'm taking a little five-day one next week so that's good. I'll in the LBC on Tuesday making some music and hanging out with my partner-in-musical-crimes, JG, so that'll be good. I've got some material that I need to lay down while i still remember how it goes. I write all my songs down but I never fully get to learn and explore them because, as of late, as soon as I'm done with one song I move on the next. I've just been on a songwriting and journal (paper journal, no lazy blogging) kick. I've just been on such a high that I have to write it down while I'm in this mindset.
Besides working a lot, I've been hitting the gym lately. I've become addicted to working out recently. Well, "addicted" compared to how much I was hitting the gym (thirty half-assed minutes, three times a week.) Now I try and make it five days a week. I go once before I head into work for a good hour to an hour-and-a-half and then I do another 45 minutes while at work on my lunch. I've lost twenty pounds and I feel phenomenal. I passed the Phoenix CPAT--but just barely. I was so beat after I went through it that it kind of kicked my ass into getting serious again.
I know what has brought on my newfound creativity and motivation. I'm in love. She's awesome. Just the funniest, most caring creature I've met. She's wonderful. When she smiles two little dimples appear, just under the corners of her mouth, and they fucking kill me everytime. She's gorgeous. Nice, smooth, sweet-smelling skin that is just so miraculous. She is tall (well, taller than I am by an inch) and she has the most amazing, toned, lengthy legs (and a perfectly-shaped, tight, nice ass!) I love to watch her walk. She's so sultry and fluid when she moves. She doesn't think so, but I have to beg to differ on that account.
Her face is ravishing. When I first saw her I was smitten by her features. The way her hair frames her face is just perfect. She doesn't even do her hair for the most part. When it's not pulled back into a ponytail she just lets it down so that it flows down her cheeks and carresses her shoulders and it brings her features into focus so brilliantly and soflty that I can't help but be knocked out by her everytime I see her. Her eyes are a wonderful blue. Two shiny pools of glimmering love. It's as if somebody or entity or deity or what-have-you grabbed a million perfect, blue, shimmering snowflakes and made her eyes. They are so clear and moving that I can gaze into them all day and not tire of it. If the eyes are a window to the soul, I want to be her soulmate. They lock me down every time.
She's not only physically gorgeous (beyond belief), but inside, she's one of the best people that I have ever met. She's so funny (she makes me laugh! God, how long I've been waiting for that), caring, warm, loving--just all-around awesome. She was also recently hired on to become a firefighter. She wants to do the job because she genuinely cares about her world. It's a rarity to find, in the industry that we're in, somebody who wants nothing more to do the job just so they can make a difference. It's totally endearing and sexy.
She likes me when I'm at my most laid-back and not in Party Mode. When we talk and hang out she shows real affection towards me. I'm her focus when it's just the two of us talking. She compliments me on who i am and looks past my often-times crazy demeanor. She puts me at ease and that's something I've been missing for a long time. i don't feel like I have to goad her into having fun or having a good time. She just does and that's makes things easier on me. I have to give me over-the-top energy to her. We just share the same wavelength and ride it out smoothly. No airbags are needed, no seatbelts or restraints are needed because the ride has no crashes or bumps. We just meld together and have a fun time.
So, what's the rub? There's always a rub and, unfortunately, this time is no exception. The one obstacle: she's married. Yes--fucking married. Goddamn my luck. How does this happen? How did I become so enamoured with this gem when she is married? I have three Cardinal Rules when it comes to relationships and they've served me fairly well so far. They keep me out of trouble and they serve to steer me clear of the reefs that infest these waters. They are:
1) No married women- I've been cheated on before and it sucked. I never wish to put anybody through that pain so i choose to stay clear of the jagged-edged reefs that will ultimatelly sink my battleship.
2) No women with children- i love kids. I have so much fun watching them take amazement at the happenings in the world that, as adults, we fail to gaze at in wonder. Kids just kick ass. They kick so much ass, in fact, that I steer clear of the MILFs out there. I don't want to have explain to some kid why I won't be around anymore. Why we can't read together anymore. Why I can't take them to the zoo or the science center anymore or the movies anymore. That's just rough on a kid and i don't want to enter some child's life only to have to exit again. I know it would be hard for me to just give up on a kid that I love and I would probably try to keep the relationship going just so I don't have to hurt the little bastard.
3) No friends of my sisters or sisters of my friends- Self-explanatory, I hope. I don't want to make my sisters or my friends angry so I just keep away from that scene. Even if things go well, it would just weird to hang out with my buddy during the day while knowing that later that night I'm going to have his sister propped up on my couch while I'm eating her like an apple. It would also be strange to hang out with my sisters and their friends because we all know what goes on when my sisters leave and it's just the two of us. As a side note, I'd fucking despise having to hang out with the guy who kisses my sister. If he kissed her or grabbed her ass in front of me, fucking trouble. I wasn't comfortable with the boyfriend of one of my sisters showing affection towards her in front of me--until they got married that is. Now I'm just happy for them.
Well, that brings me to my predicament. I'm fully-involved, head-over-heels, many-hyphenated-decriptions in love with her. She's made me a much happier and healthier person just by being her friend. She's says I make her happier than other person knows. We have such an ethereal, multi-hued rainbow of a relationship that if she were not married, she would shortly be engaged, Yes, it's that serious.
I've met her husband and he seems like a nice guy. She says that for the most part he treats her well. Still, she says he's not the person she married. They're newly married (since January) and she says that she has been told about the first-year wedding problems that she is experiencing. But, she wasn't expecting him to be so cold once they became joined. She says he has always been reserved in his displays of affection but she wasn't ready for him to just shut her out emotionally. I can't see how he can do that! She's so loving and she shows her love to him but he's just stone-armed.
We had dinner (the three of us plus others from work, which is where I met her) and the whole time he was edging away from her. He didn't hug her once or hold her hand. She went to give him a kiss and he gave her the corner of his mouth. Like he was too bothered to kiss her. He acted like she was annoyance instead of his wife, the woman he pledged to love forever. I was angered by this. I didn't show it and I was trying my best to make talk with him and make him more comfortable around our group (we're all pretty tight because we go through so much shit together) but he never softened. I know he didn't want to come out with us in the first place and she had to talk him into going with us but the way he was towards her in front of us is just sad. She told me later that he tried to argue with her for bringing him into that situation because he had told her he didn't want to go and that should have been the end of it. What a fucking thing to say to the person that he's supposed to love. All she wanted was for us to meet the man married. She wanted to show him off to her coworkers and he just has to ruin it for her.
It's not the fact that he didn't care about meeting us that pissed me off. It's the way he treated her. She's a wonderful person and he treated her like some unwanted pest. She's the ant bite on his ankle and he did his best to ignore her. I can't see why anybody would do that. If he didn't want to be there, then that's fine. I can understand that. We've all been in that sort situation before. But to be so openly unhappy with the event and to take it out on her, it's just fucking wrong. She doesn't deserve that kind of treatment when all that she did was try and show off her pride--her lover--her husband.
There's been a few other instances when she has called me just so can cry and have somebody there that could comfort her when the person who is supposed to be her Champion and her Comforter has acted like a fucktard. I would be with her and show her how love feels if I could, but I can't.
She totally adores me as well. That's the even bigger kicker. She has this totally soft, sweet smelling blanket that she would cover up in sometimes at work (it's freezing in that building) and I used to rub her arms and shoulders through it. I love how soft that blanket is. I told her it smelled like her and I wish I had one just like it so I could always feel warm when her scent was around. So, she bought me one. She washed it in her laundry detergent and sprayed it with her perfume so I could wrap myself inside it and feel like I was with her. Then she took my bottle of cologne that I keep in my gym bag and she sprayed it on her blanket. She said that it wasn't fair that I get to feel like she's with me I put that blanket around me when she couldn't experience the same.
She's torn between her vows and her heart. I wouldn't want to be in her spot. That has to be some rough shit to go through. I'm just dealing with my heart and my values and wanting to cast those ideas aside and follow my heart. I can't imagine what she is going through. I don't want to imagine it. I'm sure I'm not helping it any by being in love with her and showing her displays of affection when that's what she wants. It's all she wants. She just wants to feel like she's loved and the one person who could make her life grand with simple signs of love and affection is failing in that regard.
We almost showed the other full-on displays of love a couple of weeks ago. We had gone out to a place called The Dubliner to give her a small going-away type of party (she was starting with her department in a couple of weeks as a "Red Shirt."--basically a fire department gopher) and watch some friends of mine play. So the small group of us were at the bar. We were having a good time just talking and laughing and listening to my friends onstage bring the music. Well, I was then brought up to play guitar on "Yellow" by Coldplay (yes, I know that song--fuck off) while my friend sang her pretty, little ass off.. After that song was over my friend put me on the spot and told me to play a solo number. I wasn't ready for it but I brought out a new song that I had been working on. It's a song I wrote about this phenomenal lady I love. She knew it as well because I let her read it. When she read it she was blown away that somebody could write about her in the way I did. Still, she hadn't seen me play guitar or heard the melody of this song so I decided to play it.
I'm singing and playing like any other time but I feel so nervous because I didn't want to fuck up. Any other song I would mangle it's HER SONG! I'm basically singing to one person in this bar. Halfway through the song I look at her and her eyes are filled with tears and she is singing along. She remembered a good deal of the words even though I had showed them to her only once before. When I saw her eyes, rimmed with tears, I had to stop playing for a second. I was overcome and had to take a breath. After that it was only her and I in this bar. Nothing else. We connected. We stared into the other's eyes and just melted together.
I finish the song and then I just walk outside. I had to get away from the many people who, just moments prior to the end of the song, weren't there. I had to step away just so that I could breathe. A few seconds after I went outside she came through the door. She blinked when she saw me and the tears that had been balancing on the rims of her eyes cascaded down her cheeks. She held me in the warmest, most loving hug I have ever experienced. It was sublime. We pull our head away from the other's shoulder and when we caught gazes everything blended away and we inched our lips closer.
Then we stopped. I could feel her breath escape her mouth and it washed over my face. We could feel the heat coming from the other's lips. We were ready to explore and taste the other person and share our love. But, we stopped. We didn't have to say anything. I buried my face in the space where her collarbone and neck meet and I just lost it. I cried. She was crying and I could feel her tears dropping on to my head. We couldn't go any further. If we did there wouldn't be any turning back and we both knew it. The one thing that could make us both happy and we gave it up because we know that to express ourselves this way isn't right. She's married and as much I would love her to be single, she's not. As much as she wants to be with me she knows she can't. Not now.
She was just kind of giggled it off and continued to hold the eachother. We go back inside and sit down and just enjoy our group's company. We made sure that we were both dry-eyed before we went inside so as not to add kindling to the rumour fire with the people we work with (everybody kept asking us if anything was going on between us--no, we're just friends) Everybody files out of The Dub in various states of inebriation and we wish safe rides home to other's in our group. Everybody starts driving away and pretty soon it's just us. We get into her car and we talk. We bare our souls and get everything out. We hold on to the other person and just let words escape our mouths. Words about the other person and about our feelings. We don't speak about what is going to happen next, we just express our feelings about eachother.
The parking lot is now almost totally empty except for the two of us and the employee's cars. We had been in her car for the better part of an hour and decided it was time to part company. We stood outside her car and hugged for what seemed like an eternity. Still, an eternity is too short when I'm with her. I get home and I layed in my bed and I just cried. i couldn't help it. I was at the point where I had almost cried myself to sleep when my phone rang. It was her. She hadn't even gone inside her house yet because she couldn't stop crying. The last thing she needs to do is crawl in bed with tears being shed because of this situation. Besides, her husband would have probably started prying and that would have been too much for her, she said.
I'm not bitter about this predicament. In fact, I'm glad that it came on. I've never felt better. I feel total love for another person and it's the greatest feeling ever. Even if it's not panning out like i want it to, the warmth and love I get from her is just too powerful. I am happy that she is a friend and that we are going about this right way. She's a wonderful friend.
So, this brings us pretty much up-to-date. Lot's of work, little sleep, and a situation that is totally unexpected. Vacation can't come soon enough.
Besides working a lot, I've been hitting the gym lately. I've become addicted to working out recently. Well, "addicted" compared to how much I was hitting the gym (thirty half-assed minutes, three times a week.) Now I try and make it five days a week. I go once before I head into work for a good hour to an hour-and-a-half and then I do another 45 minutes while at work on my lunch. I've lost twenty pounds and I feel phenomenal. I passed the Phoenix CPAT--but just barely. I was so beat after I went through it that it kind of kicked my ass into getting serious again.
I know what has brought on my newfound creativity and motivation. I'm in love. She's awesome. Just the funniest, most caring creature I've met. She's wonderful. When she smiles two little dimples appear, just under the corners of her mouth, and they fucking kill me everytime. She's gorgeous. Nice, smooth, sweet-smelling skin that is just so miraculous. She is tall (well, taller than I am by an inch) and she has the most amazing, toned, lengthy legs (and a perfectly-shaped, tight, nice ass!) I love to watch her walk. She's so sultry and fluid when she moves. She doesn't think so, but I have to beg to differ on that account.
Her face is ravishing. When I first saw her I was smitten by her features. The way her hair frames her face is just perfect. She doesn't even do her hair for the most part. When it's not pulled back into a ponytail she just lets it down so that it flows down her cheeks and carresses her shoulders and it brings her features into focus so brilliantly and soflty that I can't help but be knocked out by her everytime I see her. Her eyes are a wonderful blue. Two shiny pools of glimmering love. It's as if somebody or entity or deity or what-have-you grabbed a million perfect, blue, shimmering snowflakes and made her eyes. They are so clear and moving that I can gaze into them all day and not tire of it. If the eyes are a window to the soul, I want to be her soulmate. They lock me down every time.
She's not only physically gorgeous (beyond belief), but inside, she's one of the best people that I have ever met. She's so funny (she makes me laugh! God, how long I've been waiting for that), caring, warm, loving--just all-around awesome. She was also recently hired on to become a firefighter. She wants to do the job because she genuinely cares about her world. It's a rarity to find, in the industry that we're in, somebody who wants nothing more to do the job just so they can make a difference. It's totally endearing and sexy.
She likes me when I'm at my most laid-back and not in Party Mode. When we talk and hang out she shows real affection towards me. I'm her focus when it's just the two of us talking. She compliments me on who i am and looks past my often-times crazy demeanor. She puts me at ease and that's something I've been missing for a long time. i don't feel like I have to goad her into having fun or having a good time. She just does and that's makes things easier on me. I have to give me over-the-top energy to her. We just share the same wavelength and ride it out smoothly. No airbags are needed, no seatbelts or restraints are needed because the ride has no crashes or bumps. We just meld together and have a fun time.
So, what's the rub? There's always a rub and, unfortunately, this time is no exception. The one obstacle: she's married. Yes--fucking married. Goddamn my luck. How does this happen? How did I become so enamoured with this gem when she is married? I have three Cardinal Rules when it comes to relationships and they've served me fairly well so far. They keep me out of trouble and they serve to steer me clear of the reefs that infest these waters. They are:
1) No married women- I've been cheated on before and it sucked. I never wish to put anybody through that pain so i choose to stay clear of the jagged-edged reefs that will ultimatelly sink my battleship.
2) No women with children- i love kids. I have so much fun watching them take amazement at the happenings in the world that, as adults, we fail to gaze at in wonder. Kids just kick ass. They kick so much ass, in fact, that I steer clear of the MILFs out there. I don't want to have explain to some kid why I won't be around anymore. Why we can't read together anymore. Why I can't take them to the zoo or the science center anymore or the movies anymore. That's just rough on a kid and i don't want to enter some child's life only to have to exit again. I know it would be hard for me to just give up on a kid that I love and I would probably try to keep the relationship going just so I don't have to hurt the little bastard.
3) No friends of my sisters or sisters of my friends- Self-explanatory, I hope. I don't want to make my sisters or my friends angry so I just keep away from that scene. Even if things go well, it would just weird to hang out with my buddy during the day while knowing that later that night I'm going to have his sister propped up on my couch while I'm eating her like an apple. It would also be strange to hang out with my sisters and their friends because we all know what goes on when my sisters leave and it's just the two of us. As a side note, I'd fucking despise having to hang out with the guy who kisses my sister. If he kissed her or grabbed her ass in front of me, fucking trouble. I wasn't comfortable with the boyfriend of one of my sisters showing affection towards her in front of me--until they got married that is. Now I'm just happy for them.
Well, that brings me to my predicament. I'm fully-involved, head-over-heels, many-hyphenated-decriptions in love with her. She's made me a much happier and healthier person just by being her friend. She's says I make her happier than other person knows. We have such an ethereal, multi-hued rainbow of a relationship that if she were not married, she would shortly be engaged, Yes, it's that serious.
I've met her husband and he seems like a nice guy. She says that for the most part he treats her well. Still, she says he's not the person she married. They're newly married (since January) and she says that she has been told about the first-year wedding problems that she is experiencing. But, she wasn't expecting him to be so cold once they became joined. She says he has always been reserved in his displays of affection but she wasn't ready for him to just shut her out emotionally. I can't see how he can do that! She's so loving and she shows her love to him but he's just stone-armed.
We had dinner (the three of us plus others from work, which is where I met her) and the whole time he was edging away from her. He didn't hug her once or hold her hand. She went to give him a kiss and he gave her the corner of his mouth. Like he was too bothered to kiss her. He acted like she was annoyance instead of his wife, the woman he pledged to love forever. I was angered by this. I didn't show it and I was trying my best to make talk with him and make him more comfortable around our group (we're all pretty tight because we go through so much shit together) but he never softened. I know he didn't want to come out with us in the first place and she had to talk him into going with us but the way he was towards her in front of us is just sad. She told me later that he tried to argue with her for bringing him into that situation because he had told her he didn't want to go and that should have been the end of it. What a fucking thing to say to the person that he's supposed to love. All she wanted was for us to meet the man married. She wanted to show him off to her coworkers and he just has to ruin it for her.
It's not the fact that he didn't care about meeting us that pissed me off. It's the way he treated her. She's a wonderful person and he treated her like some unwanted pest. She's the ant bite on his ankle and he did his best to ignore her. I can't see why anybody would do that. If he didn't want to be there, then that's fine. I can understand that. We've all been in that sort situation before. But to be so openly unhappy with the event and to take it out on her, it's just fucking wrong. She doesn't deserve that kind of treatment when all that she did was try and show off her pride--her lover--her husband.
There's been a few other instances when she has called me just so can cry and have somebody there that could comfort her when the person who is supposed to be her Champion and her Comforter has acted like a fucktard. I would be with her and show her how love feels if I could, but I can't.
She totally adores me as well. That's the even bigger kicker. She has this totally soft, sweet smelling blanket that she would cover up in sometimes at work (it's freezing in that building) and I used to rub her arms and shoulders through it. I love how soft that blanket is. I told her it smelled like her and I wish I had one just like it so I could always feel warm when her scent was around. So, she bought me one. She washed it in her laundry detergent and sprayed it with her perfume so I could wrap myself inside it and feel like I was with her. Then she took my bottle of cologne that I keep in my gym bag and she sprayed it on her blanket. She said that it wasn't fair that I get to feel like she's with me I put that blanket around me when she couldn't experience the same.
She's torn between her vows and her heart. I wouldn't want to be in her spot. That has to be some rough shit to go through. I'm just dealing with my heart and my values and wanting to cast those ideas aside and follow my heart. I can't imagine what she is going through. I don't want to imagine it. I'm sure I'm not helping it any by being in love with her and showing her displays of affection when that's what she wants. It's all she wants. She just wants to feel like she's loved and the one person who could make her life grand with simple signs of love and affection is failing in that regard.
We almost showed the other full-on displays of love a couple of weeks ago. We had gone out to a place called The Dubliner to give her a small going-away type of party (she was starting with her department in a couple of weeks as a "Red Shirt."--basically a fire department gopher) and watch some friends of mine play. So the small group of us were at the bar. We were having a good time just talking and laughing and listening to my friends onstage bring the music. Well, I was then brought up to play guitar on "Yellow" by Coldplay (yes, I know that song--fuck off) while my friend sang her pretty, little ass off.. After that song was over my friend put me on the spot and told me to play a solo number. I wasn't ready for it but I brought out a new song that I had been working on. It's a song I wrote about this phenomenal lady I love. She knew it as well because I let her read it. When she read it she was blown away that somebody could write about her in the way I did. Still, she hadn't seen me play guitar or heard the melody of this song so I decided to play it.
I'm singing and playing like any other time but I feel so nervous because I didn't want to fuck up. Any other song I would mangle it's HER SONG! I'm basically singing to one person in this bar. Halfway through the song I look at her and her eyes are filled with tears and she is singing along. She remembered a good deal of the words even though I had showed them to her only once before. When I saw her eyes, rimmed with tears, I had to stop playing for a second. I was overcome and had to take a breath. After that it was only her and I in this bar. Nothing else. We connected. We stared into the other's eyes and just melted together.
I finish the song and then I just walk outside. I had to get away from the many people who, just moments prior to the end of the song, weren't there. I had to step away just so that I could breathe. A few seconds after I went outside she came through the door. She blinked when she saw me and the tears that had been balancing on the rims of her eyes cascaded down her cheeks. She held me in the warmest, most loving hug I have ever experienced. It was sublime. We pull our head away from the other's shoulder and when we caught gazes everything blended away and we inched our lips closer.
Then we stopped. I could feel her breath escape her mouth and it washed over my face. We could feel the heat coming from the other's lips. We were ready to explore and taste the other person and share our love. But, we stopped. We didn't have to say anything. I buried my face in the space where her collarbone and neck meet and I just lost it. I cried. She was crying and I could feel her tears dropping on to my head. We couldn't go any further. If we did there wouldn't be any turning back and we both knew it. The one thing that could make us both happy and we gave it up because we know that to express ourselves this way isn't right. She's married and as much I would love her to be single, she's not. As much as she wants to be with me she knows she can't. Not now.
She was just kind of giggled it off and continued to hold the eachother. We go back inside and sit down and just enjoy our group's company. We made sure that we were both dry-eyed before we went inside so as not to add kindling to the rumour fire with the people we work with (everybody kept asking us if anything was going on between us--no, we're just friends) Everybody files out of The Dub in various states of inebriation and we wish safe rides home to other's in our group. Everybody starts driving away and pretty soon it's just us. We get into her car and we talk. We bare our souls and get everything out. We hold on to the other person and just let words escape our mouths. Words about the other person and about our feelings. We don't speak about what is going to happen next, we just express our feelings about eachother.
The parking lot is now almost totally empty except for the two of us and the employee's cars. We had been in her car for the better part of an hour and decided it was time to part company. We stood outside her car and hugged for what seemed like an eternity. Still, an eternity is too short when I'm with her. I get home and I layed in my bed and I just cried. i couldn't help it. I was at the point where I had almost cried myself to sleep when my phone rang. It was her. She hadn't even gone inside her house yet because she couldn't stop crying. The last thing she needs to do is crawl in bed with tears being shed because of this situation. Besides, her husband would have probably started prying and that would have been too much for her, she said.
I'm not bitter about this predicament. In fact, I'm glad that it came on. I've never felt better. I feel total love for another person and it's the greatest feeling ever. Even if it's not panning out like i want it to, the warmth and love I get from her is just too powerful. I am happy that she is a friend and that we are going about this right way. She's a wonderful friend.
So, this brings us pretty much up-to-date. Lot's of work, little sleep, and a situation that is totally unexpected. Vacation can't come soon enough.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
Also, her making the blanket smell like her and hers smell like you is just so heart felt dude. You read stuff like this only in romance novels or from a person who is in love.
Have fun on your vacation.