ms

I wonder if anybody notices that when she walks into the room I smile. I sure hope this isn't happening again. It's the last thing I need right now.

People have always trusted me to help solve their problems. Maybe I missed my calling as a therapist. So far this week three people, yes three, have asked my advice on situations they have going on right now. One of them lives in my apartment complex and I don't even know him. I was just getting home from work Wednesday morning and the dude is sitting on the stairs outside my apt. smoking a cigarette. It turns out he lives above me. I just give him a casual "Hey." It wasn't even a greeting so much as it was an acknowledgement out of habit.

I had just gotten of the gym at our station so I have on these comfortable uniform shorts that are used for exercise, a navy blue t-shirt, and my department hat. He's obviously been up all night and most likely had just stopped drinking prior to his going out for a cigarette.

He says "Hey man, you work for Phoenix?"

"Yes, sir, I do."

"Cool, man." And so begins a fifteen minute conversation that I'm going to have with this guy.

He asks me about, and I shit you not (no pun intended), blood in his stool. He describes it so I tell him it could be anything from hemorrhoids to a fissure to a diverticular disease to cancer. I told him to go a doctor and have it checked out. He says that he already has and the doctor said it was hemorrhoids but he just wants a second opinion. I said there's no way to check without me sticking a finger in his ass but that I don't know him that well to perform that procedure. He missed the humor.

Now, I'm already in a slightly uncomfortable position. I'm just about to bid farewell when he offers a beer (most likely because after sharing a beer I would know him well enough to check his rectum.) I tell him that I'm just about to hit the sack and I really can't have one right now. The slight pause I gave when he asked (I really did want a beer) must have appeared as an invitation for more questions because he asks me about his girlfriend. He wants to marry her but she has kids from another guy and they constantly fight but they've been together for three years and he takes care of them and blah blah blah. I just kind of stand there waiting for him to go on. He takes a swig of his brew and says "Well?" as if he asked me a fucking question. So I give him the old "Well what?" Take that Mr. Drunk-On-the-Stairs! How do you like that shit? "Well, should I marry her?"

Hold on. Time out. Asking me about a medical condition happening in or near your ass and asking me about what i think about marriage are on two totally different playing fields. Speaking about your ass I can give you a checklist of things it may be but I'm gonna tell you to go see a doctor. Speaking about your marriage situation is totally different. I felt awkward giving my best friend advice about him getting married and I'd know the motherfucker for seven years. I've know you for less than five minutes and you want to ask me about marriage?

Of course being the bleeding-heart fucktard that I am i launch into it with him. I run through the usual questions: Do you love her? Do you love the kids? Is it fun for the most part? Does she love you? All the answers this guy give me point out that these two should be joined together in holy matrimony--or at least share an apt.

So i switch it around and answer him with "If i were in your position..." I go through my little spiel and he just looks at me.

"That's what I was fucking thinking, bro. Thanks, man." Glad I could be of help.

The other questions were:

Phoenix and Sun City both offered me jobs so which should I take? (Phoenix)

My old boyfriend is calling me up and he wants to try again so what should I tell him? (Fuck him, he's a douchebag. I've met him, I didn't like him, and I don't like the way he treats you. Tell him that he missed out on a great opportunity the first time around and that you have better things to do than wait for him to become a good boyfriend.)

Now, if I could just figure out my own fucking situations I'd be set.