mrsted_stryker

I was dreaming all night. I was dreaming that I had my own little apartment. I got to paint the walls, and buy all NEW furniture for it. I got to decorate it like I wanted. I was healed and had a job that made me smile everyday and the biggest thing was I got to travel. I went to see Pagz and marvel first. I then went to see BrightRedScream because I was up north. I went and saw DarkRiver and many others on my way down like Acidstorm and than I went to the west coast where I saw lilli and MrsMisha and even little_Em came over from England! I think I even went back WITH her and saw my sweet friend Davy!!! I didnt remember this much when I first woke up but as I have been up details are becoming clear. I can even smell the fresh Lillis that I received one day that were on my dining room table.
I have my whole life ahead of me. I WILL heal. My heart and my leg. I WILL trust again... one day maybe. That one I am not so sure on but regardless I no longer have to live my life for anyone. No offense to anyone involved but I dont have to wait for someone to show me they love me. I dont have to be let down while the women of the world are told they are beautiful yet I am not. I KNOW I am beautiful. inside and out. I am a good person. I deserve to be treated as such too.
Now I am not angry. Not at all. I am still hurt as when you believe one thing and find out that the opposite is true it stings a bit. That compiled with surgery and the rest of whats going on (the move, the diabetes, others stress) to be honest I wanted to kill myself last night. No not because of a breakup, but because life has handed me a very difficult hand to play.I was tired of struggling. I was tired of being let down by people, my body, and the universe. I truly in my heart felt that the world would be better off without me. But ya know what? Play it I will. And I will WIN. This surgery is so very dangerous. No not for what it is but because my body is quite fragile at the moment. Emotions dont help at all so I got those in check but my BODY is trying to give up. My BODY is on the edge. And surgery could easily put an end to my body trying. Thats just a fact all. I know, anything can happen. Please do not be patronizing and tell me that it will all be fine and blah blah blah. This is my 8th surgery remember. Flat out, I know more than you do about my body, foot, and my surgeries.

So anyway, no I am not up for the onslaught of phone calls and txt messages that have been TRYING to come thru. I appreciate it but I am not up to talk about it yet. I remember being almost this hurt once, and I laid in the living room for 2 weeks on the floor. I did that Sunday... and I almost died. But now I am wrapping myself in healing warmth. Protecting myself with the warmth of my loved ones. Those I call friends. Without them I could not do all this, and am very lucky to have such wonderful people reaching out to me. I wont lie, I need that too right now. But right now I am concentrating on ME.

Ya know, I will always love him. I will always get butterflies when I think of him. I will always hope that he is ok and smile when I think of certain times we had together. I will NOT hold on to the bad, because we both deserve more than that. I can only hope that one day he reads this and knows in his heart that I loved him more than life itself, but I am ok with letting him go. I hope that he finds what he is looking for, and finds some peace. As for me? Well I will be fine. I might be getting out of the house this week, so that will be good for the spirit. I have survived when the odds were against me (thanks Acid) and now I will survive again. I always end up better so I have THAT to look forward to!

Please dont think that this was posted because I want anyone to "think" this is how I feel. Maybe someone that has spoken to me or is on FaceBook can attest to the fact that I am much better today.

Before I go and end this epic blog I want to list a few things that I am thankful for. Even in this time I can find some things. Hell, if I didnt see THESE than I would suck at being a person!

1. ALL MY FRIENDS! I dont think I could name all the people that have surrounded me with light and healing. I am truly blessed to have people in my life like this. Please know that I love you all so much. I am alive because of your healing words, prayers, phone calls, and energy.
2. Bedtime stories. Hearing Whinny the Poo before bed like a child has made me feel cared for and nurtured. Thank you hun!
3. Believe it or not, my mom. SHE has been an absolute angel!

There are more, but I am tired of typing! lol
I know I will have moments where I am down, but I know I will make it thru them.

OK this blog is so epic it should be named! lol I will be surprised if any of you actually read this. Its such a shame, that so many people pour their heart out in blogs and people make stupid comments or take one insignificant thing about the blog and make you feel bad about it. meh

This is what I have on repeat today... it is a perfect song for my mood and whats ahead.
I love you all.. I really do. I cant thank you enough for your support.
No worries, I will be back soon.. and I will return the loving, supportive, happy Fishii you all love! Its been a long time since you have seen her... please welcome her with warmth.



All my love,
Fishii

PS thank you for all the virtual flowers and cards. That made this easier too!