Well, ok. I am still here! I am sorry for my little outburst the other day. If I cast a shadow on anyone's day. I am trying to deal with my problems. In a way, we all have those. Each of us has a unique struggle. I have been feeling better since the weekend. Remind myself to take it one day at a time and not look back on ten years as an entire unit. That would surely send anybody crazy. Don't get stuck in that rut again. Those quieter days at home where there is nothing doing and not much interest in doing anything either. Just enjoy the quiet moment while I have it. Rest, regroup. Nothing wrong with that.
I think I have actually identified part of the problem. Fuckin Facebook!! That's what it is. I have decided to take a hiatus, or perhaps leave it almost entirely. Sadly I need it for admin purposes to organise comedy shows for myself. But that doesn't mean I have to scroll the feed, post anything or leave a comment. I can use it purely to converse with a few close friends on my chat which I enjoy. Hopefully I can exercise enough self-control to resist the bulk of it. It really doesn't make me happy. But I am not going to moan about why that is right now. I have already complained to two of my friends about it! Slash explained why I am leaving. Let's just say that people don't really understand me there. I refuse to bemuse myself about it any further. Just move on with my life. Because as a mid-eighties baby, I am part of the last generation of people to reach adulthood without a smart phone. I didn't get an iPhone until I was 21 or 22. And I am sure I was happier then. One thing I will say about social media is it takes a huge part of my energy which previously was being directed into other aspects of my life, or left me with more in the bank. It's literally impossible to stay in touch with so many people, not that I am really interested to be honest! It's nice to have the idea that you can keep in touch with so many people, or call on them as you wish. But I think we all know that this is not really how it works! Instead we invite dozens or hundreds, if not thousands of people into more personal events in our life, and open ourselves to criticism or humiliation over our opinions, or more human moments. I have always been one to just carelessly post my thoughts and received loads of misunderstanding and inappropriate feedback, labels, abuse! It has taken a toll! And ironically, I find myself being jealous that other people are gaining more attention than I! WHY
I want to go back to a simpler time! When people took pictures which had value! Not some snap of a fuckin sandwich! I was talking to my mum on the weekend and about my thousands of pictures on my computer. I lost 500 photos. Out of 4000 from the last 2 years. CRAZY. I would never know what was missing! I said to mum, "can you imagine having so many pictures back in the day?" She said exactly that. Back in the day you were much more careful about what you took pictures of, because as I remember, it cost money to get them developed. Nobody in the 70's would take a picture of their fuckin food. haha!
So what was I saying?
Yeah, this site! Hmm.. I am in two minds about it. I have another post previously where I talk about how it's not porn to me. Then one day I stumbled on a certain SG doing porn. Nothing like, nasty. It was very soft core stuff. But still. Then I went to the Blackheart Burlesque and there are loads of mentions of MyFreeCams, and I am aware that some girls do that. Not that there is anything wrong with that. It's just like, a war of worlds really. On one hand, I have a mind to quit porn entirely but I can't. I have no sex life really to speak of, with which to distract myself in a healthy way. I guess my imagination needs a bit of work! And I have never been into the hardcore stuff, it's just gross. When August Ames killed herself, it was just another reminder that those people, while they say they enjoy that work, they are not enjoying life! That's obvious. And so, I just feel like, a perv basically. Coming here and sitting online for a half an hour or more, looking at naked girls. It's like, pretty much a warm up, gets me really hot, and I either end up watching porn, or watching Homeland with a boner for 45 minutes, and it's just like, maaate. Dunno how I can keep an erection while watching this! Conflicting ideas! But Clare Danes is sexy as hell in that show, I must admit, sometimes she gives me a hard on straight up!
So yeah! What can I do?? Everyone enjoys a bit of sumthin sumthin. But I say it's nothing about looks, that gets me my foot in the door sometimes, I dunno. As I get older it just gets harder and harder to meet people. I am dead set in love with Lucie though. And while we are just friends and it's not cheating to hook up with someone else, i don't want to get involved with anyone. I doubt I will ever meet someone as special as her. Even though I did a sterling performance of comedy on Monday and I received the admiration and praise from some VERY attractive females there. I can at least say on one hand, for the 20th time, never feel sorry for myself or bag women for never paying a compliment where it's due. But by the same token, without comedy I dunno where I would be!! I still feel like, I earned it basically. And I would not know Lucie if I wasn't into comedy either. But why look a gift horse in the mouth? Why question it? I am who I am, and I got what I got. So why does it matter if Lucie was attracted to me because I was funny on stage or funny anywhere else? Where else would our paths have ever crossed if not in that comedy club? Sometimes I feel I am lucky, other times I feel she is the lucky one. Maybe we are both lucky? Why try to define it at all? Just be. Ride the high and try to sleep through the lows. Peace!!
