I went to Dublin on the weekend. Today I went for a lovely walk in the park, taking photographs of pictures and birds.
After I strolled down the street where I found a homeless man asking for money. He seemed to be about my age, Polish. He said he was trying to get money for an air bnb for his pregnant girlfriend. He was amicable, and I gave him 2 euros. He told me she was up the street as well, how he was trying to use the payphone every day to get help from homeless services for her, because she could no longer do it, she just breaks down in tears all the time. He said they had been trying to stay at a homeless shelter too, but it was full of scary people and drug addicts, it’s not good for her to stay with these people. He didn’t give a shit about sleeping on the street himself, as long as she had a warm bed and was safe. I gave him the last 5 euros out of my wallet. And he shook my hand and thanked me. He said it really means a lot, they are sleeping outside a hotel on the next block. It is under CCTV surveillance, and there they are safe from being robbed or beaten by other homeless people trying to take what little they have. But as it turns out, they are no longer safe there, the hotel security guard came down in the morning while he was away, and kicked his girlfriend in the legs and back, and said “get out of here, you druggy cunt!” I just couldn’t believe it. But that’s how they are treated, worse than animals. Because you don’t blame an animal for the way they are. But that’s how these people are treated. It’s their own fault; their predicament.
I asked him how he became homeless. He said he worked using CNC machines, to make medical instruments. He was living in Cork where he met his girlfriend. They decided to move to Dublin, and he found another job, but the money was much less than in Cork. For some strange reason I forgot, their landlord decided, while they were out, not to let them rent from him anymore. He said “don’t bother coming back today, I have changed the locks. I am moving to Spain, and I am not renting out this flat for the next 12 months.” They had no where to go, no friends or family in town, and not enough money to find a new flat. They had no choice but to live on the street. They had just found out a few weeks earlier they were expecting a baby, and now had nowhere else to live.
"We always paid our rent, and he kicked us out for no reason.” I didn’t know whether I quite believed him, but he was insistent they were good tenants. He had told me how his company went belly up in Cork and he came to Dublin. I presume he must have missed one payment or done something, or maybe his landlord is a fucking asshole? Who knows?
"She has so many skills", he tells me. I can’t remember all the things she could do, but she had been to university, worked with computers, and had other experience in different industries. It was unclear why she didn’t have a job.
I wished him the best of luck, and he told me I can meet his girlfriend up the road. I should tell her what I did. It really cheered him up, to talk to me, and that I listened. He seemed cheerful enough anyway. He said he was trying to remain positive. We agreed that’s the only thing one can do. Just try to remain positive.
So up the road I found her, she was crying. I said hello, "how are you?” She gave me the same response I get whenever I ask a homeless person how they are feeling. She said “I’m homeless”.
She told me she has no more will to live. She has lost everything. She is sick every day, living in the cold. She told me about how the security kicked her that morning.
“I’ve never been into drugs, I’m not a druggy. Everyone just talks to me like I am scum, I can’t take it any more.” I tried to empathise with her.
She told me how she has been homeless for 4 months with Tom, how she was pregnant but after living on the street for 3 months she had a miscarriage. She went to the hospital but because she had no paperwork, they refused her treatment for 2 weeks. She got an infection, and was sick every day now. Going back for a DNC a week prior.
“Everywhere I go, they tell me to get lost, we don’t want homeless here.”
I asked her why she had no identification. She said, she was kidnapped at some point, the timeline of her story became confusing, but Tom had already told me he was homeless once before when he lost his job in Cork. She was taken and sold to a prostitute ring run by blacks. She was beaten and raped every day. When she was finally found and rescued, the guards took her out of the back of a van where she was hog-tied. Put her pants back on, and then they said they told her she was a criminal, and tore up her papers and left her in the street. I was speechless. I couldn’t believe law enforcement would do that.
“I just want to kill myself, I can’t live this way again, being beaten up, everyone treating me like shit.”
I didn’t know what to say to her, I asked her, in an effort to give her hope, if she could find work? No, nobody wants a homeless person working for them. I have the CV’s and everything, but they say, no. We don’t want homeless working here. If you put down an address they find out it is not where you live, or it’s not permanent, there’s nothing I can do.
She told me how she had two children, one back in Scotland, living with her family, who she says won’t help her either. And one living in Cork, with the government trying to make him a ward to the state. Because she is homeless, she had been denied access to see him. They have told her she will not see him again until he is 18, and he won’t even recognise her by then. I couldn’t believe that people could say such cruel things. She said, I’ve had enough, I don’t have any strength left. I can only think if I just kill myself, my pain will be over. I didn’t know what to tell her. I said the best way I could, don’t do it. Just keep going. You will see your son again, he will recognise you. Don’t listen to those people. But she wasn’t hearing it.
After I left, I wished I could go back, and tell her, that even though she feels weak, she has endured more suffering than I ever have. I thought I had it rough sometimes, I could have ended up in her position, but I am fortunate to have a family who bailed me out. Her family was in Scotland, and it was hard enough for her to reach them, let alone to get help. I wondered how she could even get back there, with no identification. It would be impossible. I wish I could tell her that she is much stronger than she thinks. That she has Tom who is helping her. Just hang in there, you never know what could happen. I got her to say that much, I said, things will turn around for you, you’ll see. She said “yeah, you never know”. But totally sarcastic.
It makes me sick how these people are treated, ignored and scorned by everyone. They are real people, with real problems. And all you have to do is talk to them, and you see how human they are. But people don’t care. They just keep walking. Save their money for their own wants. Because these people deserve to live that way. It’s their own fault they are in that situation. They are liars, cheats, thieves, drug addicts. Don’t give them your money, because they will spend it on drugs. That’s what people say. Don’t give them any money because I saw them eating a piece of food. I see him sitting there in the same spot every day, because it’s full of tourists. That’s what people say, it’s what I’ve said. I felt so disgusted with myself, again. I’ve never had to go to bed hungry. I’ve always had a warm place to sleep. I’ve never had a miscarriage, or been kidnapped. It hit me hard, how many problems she endured, not only to be homeless but to be a woman too.
I thought about last week, I did comedy out west somewhere, I forget. There was a homeless girl there, she must have only been 20 years old. My heart broke for her right away, but I was with people, and I just said, “sorry I don’t have anything”, and kept walking. She said Ok, thank you. That’s how they are. A man today did the same thing. I said I didn’t have anything, and he thanks me, just for answering his question. This girl, I could see she was trying to fight tears as well, she looked broken.
I just feel disappointed in myself, and everyone in our society, for letting this happen. For complaining about my own problems, which are shrouded in privilege. Commenting on the price of beer, or inefficient trains. Even complaining to go to work. For my friends giving me shit because I didn’t have sex that day. We don’t know what real hardship is, we are scornful towards people who are really suffering. We believe they are not suffering, they are lying. So we can continue on our selfish paths, free of guilt and pity. We hate feeling upset, so we ignore them. Our biggest source of depression or anxiety is we can’t talk to people, to enjoy ourselves. Or we don’t have enough time for pure enjoyment.
I just wish there was something more that I could do. I feel like doing something about it, to fix our sick world. Watch this space!