I am jumping on the bandwagon as usual and I am going to do my bit here like some other people I have seen.
I think, time is only a state of mind. It only seems important at the beginning and at the end. It would be convenient to go back in time and fix our lives up to this point, and still have those years left. But there are still many left, especially at this stage in time, as I still have some youth left in me, at 30 years of age. I could go back and correct some regrets I have, but each one, more or less, led me into being the person that I am today. I have met some wrong people, wasted time, money and energy doing things which fell through, but through meeting the wrong people, did I eventually meet the right ones. So here are 5 things which I would tell myself, 5 things which I am still trying to learn now. And I will share with everyone.
Number one: Stop worrying! How many fucking times should I have to remind myself of this? After just admitting that through each mistake, only comes a stronger character? All pain leads to growth. And the amount of time I spend biting my fingers (or trying not to) be it, over work, personal issues, or whatever else (because I like to do things in threes), it achieves nothing! I think of course, it is important to care about things, but stop worrying about the outcomes. Good or bad, things can more or less work out for the best.
Number two: Love yourself .. Yes, I do hate myself, all the time. I kick myself for making a mistake. I regret every bad decision I make, and pretend that I don't. I put on a face every other day because people expect me to be happy. In fact, I torture myself over what people think of me too. And all the times, people tell me to be happy by myself, I resent them for it, because I believe they are happier than I am. I hate being alone. And I wish I could fix that. I don't hear a compliment when I get one, because I don't believe it. I don't see the good in having skills or talents because I feel that other people don't appreciate me for it. Because I don't care anymore, about what I can do. I wish that I could figure out a way to put my skill set to a use which really makes me feel like I am achieving something.
Number three: Save your money. Even as I am writing this, I am sitting in my bedroom, trying to delete a day off the calendar, trying to stay home because it is the only way I know how to not spend money. Every time I leave the house, it falls out of my pocket. On food, alcohol, things! momentary enjoyments. And I enjoy the food and beer, of course. But it is not always good for me! I could go without, but I have poor self control. Stemming from the self-love no doubt! I am unhappy inside, and that is why I crave these things. I remember a time when I was happy in myself. Right now, these last 6 months, things have been very hard for me. Being in a strange land, trying to make new friends, new career, new hobbies, with my stand up comedy, that is a completely new venture, and I really should work on beginning more new sentences because this one is really too long to read out loud. But I really want to improve how I spend my money in order to achieve my goals. EVERYTHING COSTS MONEY. No matter what I want to achieve, I need money to get there. And I treat it like a worthless commodity.
Number four: Be patient. I am always rushing around. I do everything at work as fast as I can. And my boss only asks me to do more. I end up losing tools, forgetting things, and by the same token, I waste time trying to always think of a third example. If I took a bit more time to do things, I would do a more remarkable job. Although, ironically, a colleague told me he thinks I am a good plumber because I DO take my time with a job, and make sure it is right. But that is more a matter of correcting small mistakes as I go along. In my mind, I am always going 100 miles an hour. And I end up projecting this expectation onto other people too. Because I can do more, and do it well. On the positive side, I am an extremely efficient person when I want to be. But on the down side, I am aloof. And in my personal life, I have broken relationships by being impatient and putting pressure on people. People think I am needy because I am calling them too many times. Women especially, take their time, and I am usually there in the beginning, asking them out for drinks, or something, far too soon. Because in my head, I am thinking they are going to forget me and move on with somebody else. The last thing I do, which stems from this impatience, is that I announce things too early, I tell people fleeting thoughts which are bothering me, and make it seem like I have more issues than I really do. If I was more patient with my own mind, I would not feel this urgency every time I have an existential crisis.
Number five: Always appreciate what you have. Especially the small things. I think most people are guilty of this one. You'll often hear me, saying that I do this, when really, there is always one example of something I did not appreciate. Even after last week, sponsoring this child in Africa, white male privilege man is banging at my mental door, telling me that existing in my bedroom for a day or two with my laptop, being forced to write and work on my comedy which I want to do is not fucking good enough for me. My friend told me today how she is struggling with her health and having to make a huge sacrifice in order to get better. We all take our health for granted when we eat or drink the wrong things, smoke and do drugs. But actually this is one thing I would REALLY want to go back in time and correct. Stop drinking! There is no need for it. Have one, or two, now and then, but not 10. Love your friends. Nothing seems to be good enough. I am lucky to be able to engage people in conversation, and yet when I do, often I am looking for more. And they can sense it. If I was patient, if I cared more, and loved myself more, I would think more highly of people who regard me with favour. I would hear compliments as being true. I do love people, it is true. I am not dishonest in my approach to people. But I think sometimes I am too reckless with people. There is a popular mentality to just be yourself these days, and forget people who do not like us for who we are. And it makes me less cautious with people, not to hurt their feelings and it would do me good to be receptive to them. NUMBER ONE EXAMPLE don't be upset that the woman has given me a seemingly negative response. The fact that she is speaking to me at all is a good sign. I would go to indirectly ask a woman if she wants to see me this evening, saying "I am bored, help!" And she writes back, "go for a swim, that's what I am going to do! X" and I think in my negative mindset "she doesn't want to see me". It is possibly true. But perhaps only for today. Who knows? If she did not like me on some level, she would not be my Facebook friend. How many times have I met a woman somewhere, who I asked to be Facebook friends, and she has said yes, and then not accepted? Some people HAVE accepted me when they seem not to care at all. But here she is, responding to me. I have responded with something half negative, half positive. And I don't know why it is so fucking hard for me to say something positive, even if it is not how I feel. I criticise texting, I think it's impersonal. But it makes it so easy to be positive!! I have all the time to think of a positive response! And I instead, send a bad message, where I could take my time to think of a good one. Appreciate the people who have chosen you as their acquaintances, Joel. And believe in it, that they have chosen you honestly. You are worthy of it! And you know that! Be inviting, and patient, and nurture the friendship. Don't squash it with negativity and self-pity. If someone pays you a compliment, allow yourself to enjoy the full value of it, even if it is smoke. Be happy that someone wants to blow smoke up your arse to make you happy.
Thank you for listening!