After writing two lengthy and dark blogs, I feel like I should write a more accurate one, instead of something I vomited while I was feeling sorry for myself.
The thing is, that I have ejected myself out of my regular life. I won't say comfort zone, because I really wasn't too comfortable in my own lifestyle before. Working a job I was dissatisfied with simply to pay the bills. Not being able to use my spare time productively, or do the things which would have made me happy. i.e. Being a typical single person.
But these days, I live in a small flat with no living area, and if I am not outside, I am essentially in bed. It is my lounge space, sleeping quarters, dining area and pretty much, no couch, just a bed. Or a chair, if I am feeling extravagant. I can sit in a camping chair. I know this is not a healthy thing for my mind. But I have to tolerate it for now, if I don't want to go to the time and expense of moving into a probably more expensive flat. Oh well.
I sponsored a child in South Africa last weekend while I was out, enjoying my white male privileged life. Got a haircut and shaved off my beard. Then this week I had half the people tell me I look younger and better without it, and the other half telling me I should have kept it. This is the one way I get attention for my looks. I find myself envious of women who are always getting compliments and attention. But I allow this into my daily life, coming online, using Facebook and things like that. I am addicted to social media, of course. I can't unfollow all these people.
My better blog is darkening, I see. my point is, that I do feel grateful for the things I have, the skills, the friends, the enjoyment. I think I spend too much time at work, and it is physically and mentally demanding. When I come home, all my body wants to do is rest. But my mind still craves that social contact which is missing. I think that, if women did want to date me, would I have the energy on a weeknight? Perhaps, if i gave up my stand up comedy. I like the idea of sex, but I don't know if my body can do it! I am walking 15km a day, climbing thousands of stairs every day at work, including heavy lifting, carrying loads, etc.
I also had an audition this week for a program that LAD Bible are doing. I don't think I got the part. It was the first time I have had any type of interview process in 9 years. It was good for me to do that. I think if I can find anything else I would like to do it again.
My life is full of strange contradictions like this. I do a job that I hate, and I am good at many things I don't enjoy. I have no experience in the things I would love to be able to do. And when I am feeling good, I am a dynamic person and a charismatic conversationalist, and yet, I still struggle to find women who return my calls, so to speak. Women give me a wide berth. I have my own hypothesis as to why that is. I wonder, if I was more a type of person who kept to themselves more, whether I would find it easier to relate to people. But then, if I was that type of person, I don't think I would have the bottle to do stand up comedy, as people keep saying to me. "I don't know how you can do that, I would not have the balls", or whatever euphemism they choose. I can quite easily introduce myself and converse with people, but things do not go any further than that. In spite of how enjoyable it could be to talk to me, I feel like women see me as more of a pest than anything. If I made them happy, surely they would want to see me again. but I am aware that it takes time to build up a woman's trust, and to get a woman's time, is another hurdle on its own. If you don't have one or the other, you get neither. I don't know why it's so hard for people to understand. I feel like none of my good qualities amount to anything. But at least I get to enjoy the benefit of it. I wouldn't be any other way. If women don't bother to get to know me, it is their own problem. I think people these days, are too saturated. Women have too much attention. Too much negative attention. Society is sick. To simply compare it to the third world and suggest we are better off, works. But I think people don't appreciate their lives, even if they are happy, many of our habits are self-destructive and not productive. I have the envy of my friends, who can't enjoy the single freedom I have, and yet, I hate myself in so many ways. Because I can not reap the benefits that everyone is talking about. And I guess, writing blogs like this, only cement my reputation, nobody would believe that I am such good company at all.
I sit in my bedroom this morning, I have broken my small weekend budget already, having gone out to two comedy shows. I want to go out again. But it will have to be on the cheap! I can't stand to stay inside half the weekend, developing blood clots in my limbs. My legs are sooo tired but they will have to deal with it! I am trying to save for a holiday but I think that I am poor at budgeting, and I am trying ot over compensate by making my weekly budget too strict. Blahhh
I am in love with my best friend. We spend some Saturday nights together, talking an laughing. But she doesn't want me. I can not let go of the idea. I could spend my one night off going out to meet someone else in some dark, drunken place. I have had many experiences of that as well, and women are just as impossible there too. The only way to succeed there, is to become like the men I detest. The ones who think of women as sluts to use, ogle their bodies and laugh about it later. And there are so many women who indulge in those types of men, and that paints their own image of what men are, and they view men the same way too. I would much rather meet women who are sober. But you know, I am a stranger, one way or another.
I would rather spend my time with Lucie. I am in the friend zone for the first time in my life, it is a preferable place to the no-go zone, where I usually reside. We plan to work on comedy together, but we meet and end up talking about anything else. She has been single nearly as long as I have. As much as I love her company, it darkens my cloud. She adds to my negative bubble. Tells me she is happy being alone, like most single women do. It is better to be alone than in the wrong relationship. That's what she says. And that is the view I frequently hear from single women I admire. I am the wrong relationship. That's what I hear. I try to make her jealous, I have told her how I felt, I have made a move to kiss her. In reverse order. And she encourages me to see other people too. She tells me I am handsome, that I am funny. She is impressed by my skills, my knowledge and talents. Like most women who think I am brilliant, she is uninterested in my love and thinks I should be able to find some other woman. Even though most people I know are in a relationship of some kind, they will still tell you that love is a rare thing. I think it is a fucked up mentality to have. But true perhaps. Will I go out tonight? Or stay inside and dream? Only time will tell!