I am a highly social being. But over the past few years, and especially now coming to London, I am unsatisfied with the amount of social contact that I have. I am going out maybe 2 or 3 times a week to do stand up comedy, mostly. And I am making new acquaintances all the time. But I find myself of a Saturday or Sunday, sitting at home in my room, alone with my thoughts. I use social media to compensate for this, but I wonder if I am feeding the beast. I find it hard to remember now, what life was like before I signed up for Facebook when I was 23. That is over 7 years ago now. Has it changed my life for the better? Making me able to contact my friends, post my thoughts, and have people acknowledge them? Yes. Has it become something new which I have become addicted to? Probably. And in, fact, does it make it worse for me, as a way to reach out to people, even more, when I know, they will not reciprocate? Indeed, I have gone through this phase, and come out the other side.
I have been single for almost nine years, and since then, I have gone through many phases of loneliness. For example, today, I have nothing to do, which will thoroughly satisfy my need to occupy my time. To distract myself from the fact that my new acquaintances are either out with their friends, or spending some time alone, and perhaps enjoying it more than I do. I do not enjoy time alone, unless I am super tired. I love to have company, even if we are simply being quiet together. I also think, in England, having left my possessions at home, I have not much else to occupy me besides my computer. I end up back on social media, all the time, because I am bored. It is only a weekend thing!
Everyone thinks I should not be single. It does not help me at all. They say, you just need to get a little lady, to sit and laugh at your comedy shows, for example. You are 30 years old. Why don't you have a girlfriend? Are you gay? etc. They see me as a vibrant, attractive man, with a fantastic sense of humour and a natural aptitude for conversation. And yet, whenever I reach out to women, they frequently avoid me. If I bring this truth up to the surface, it perpetuates that image in people's minds. That I am sad in myself, or I should be avoided as a person who has only made mistakes for 9 years, and is a danger to get involved with. I am told I should be more positive and learn to love myself. However, if I turn it around the other way, and say, well, I have had a great 9 years, and don't regret much, I think to myself, that people then think I am a bit of a whorish person, that I have probably had many lovers, and jilted them, one and all. People can not understand the reality of my life. Maybe I am wrong to think of it this way, but I feel like, it is also women's negative thought patterns which perpetuates my state. There is NO WAY that I can look like a decent partner for someone after being alone for 9 years. I feel like I should just lie.
I met a girl through comedy, and thought there was some chemistry there. And there probably is. I am not so aloof that I can not notice when there is a spark. And we compared notes on our lives up to this point. She has been single for 8 years, and suggests to me, like many women, that I could be happy like her. That love only leads to disappointment. She is not looking for anything right now. She said that almost as if it was a pre-emptive strike. She can see that I am interested in her, and, unlike me, wants to snuff it out. I told my best friend, who is a female, which I have become madly in love with, and she says, well, if she has had many lovers, maybe you could become one of them? I don't know why she would have that impression from what I have told her. But it would be a very typical male thing to do, to ignore a woman's wishes and go after her anyway. To take "I am not interested in anything" as a code for "I am only looking for sex."
Is society really this way? That we are all avoiding love, and yet addicted to sex, which we acquire through these coded messages? I am not convinced, although, I must admit, this is part of the world which I have never really been a part of. But more importantly, why is it not alright for me to admit that yes, I am alone, I have been alone for a long time. And I am not happy about it. I am an attractive man, but believe it or not, it does not work to my advantage. Women do not reach out to me, they do not contact me, unless I have worked fucking hard at developing some kind of friendship. And by working hard, I mean always contacting them, for a long time. Being incredibly patient, to wait for text message replies, to gain their trust. I can't ask anyone why I am so hard to trust. I am completely alone in my problems. Women are there, and expect to be taken, I think. Sometimes I think I am such a vibrant person, they feel like they pale in comparison. And when I do pursue them, they don't know how to react. They don't believe in it. They are the ones who do not believe in themselves. But really, at the bottom of it all, women do not believe in me. That is how I feel. Because if you talk to any woman about what she wants in a man, they will name traits which I possess. But on the day, when you meet me, I am a total stranger. I will tell you some things, which you like, and you think I could be an agreeable person. But you will not make time for me. That is what never happens. You would give me your phone number, sure. And I will contact you, if it was a genuine number. But you'll forever tell me you are busy. And you will feel sorry for me, after I have been so patient with you, when it is you that was never very interested in me, and gave me your number anyway. I do not understand why people do this. Why they can't say no to me. Why do they go through such elaborate ways to avoid me? Or did they give me their number in a fleeting moment, which has managed to pass in an hour? I am the one that you would reconsider.
I feel like I have very much in common with a beautiful woman. To be admired and avoided out of feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, and fear. To be strongly pursued by superficial, unattractive people. (On the nights where I might go out with my friends to a nightclub, for example). The women I have been to bed with, I mostly have had no connection with, no physical attraction. I know that they think I am hot. And then other people condemn me for that too, like I only go for women who are super hot. Because I come to this website even! It is people coming up who don't know the real me, coming up with excuses to not get to know me, because of a bad trait which they think they have identified in my character. But no matter who I talk to, people want me to be happy. Truthfully, I am not entirely happy. Who is? I appreciate what I have, but why do people insist that I should have the life that they fucking want? Who is going to ask me what I want? And accept that? That's what I am waiting for. To be accepted.
I feel like I can never win, you can never win. Whatever I do, the truth is, that women do not accept me the way I am. Regardless of what I try to do, people tell me to do something else, if it didn't work. But just be yourself, Joel. That is most important. Be like me, and just be yourself, and people will come to you. Oh but wait, I have a vagina, and people want that. XD
If I told you, for example, that I try to be a good person, people will give me the logical answer which is, well, don't try. Just be. If I go do that, people will say, well, why didn't you do this instead? That's what I would have done. And that is why, I feel that nobody accepts me the way I am. People will say, it was lovely to meet you, people will say, I'll see you around, but if you ask them if they want to do something or other, they don't reply, if they are busy, they don't reply, these days. If they don't want to do that specific thing, they don't reply. They don't offer an alternative. And most importantly of all, they NEVER contact me to invite me to something. I tell people that, and they either don't believe it, or that there is some kind of flaw in my character which either explains it, or justifies it. And that's my secret that I must keep to myself, because it dooms my existence.
