Wednesday Sep 15, 2004

0
ok, what i have to say is probably going to come off sounding negative but it's really bothering me. i'm easygoing all the time but now and then i get filled with rage over something and it bursts out. i have this really rad friend who lives in sf, she's an awesome girl. we had a fling for a while and we're still the best of friends. she met a guy on the internet who turned out to be, and anyone with even the most sympathetic heart and insight would know it, gay. they are still together. he lives here, she lives there. he makes up crazy stories of where he was last night - why he was at the gay bar, etc...and y'know, rad. i love everybody, i have no problems with his choices, but i have a huge problem with a great friend of mine accepting someone who lies, manipulates and is so confused from all the lying that his personality is far from well defined. she will agree with me. she agrees. but, she says, i'm getting old, i'm about to be 29 and i'm fat and i don't know if i should give up this opportunity. she's going to move in with this guy when he comes out there in november. i'm sorry, maybe i'm just old school to the core but even if you can get past the part of him being gay and pretending to be in love with a straight girl you'd have this mountain of irresponsibility, lost jobs, wiggly personality, and the boat load of excuses for every failure. when did this girl stop knowing who she was and start kidding herself? i love her too much to be mad at her but i'm angry that life dealt her whatever blows that lead up to accepting less than what she wanted out of it. i told her what was going on. i never yell but i yelled, because she is so over the top it's the only thing that would make an impression. i told her listen, you're not over with at your age, and as for your size, i think you're beautiful and i think a lot of guys would too. it's not about that. it's about making yourself happy. don't waste your amazing personality on a manipulative asshole who can't own up to who he is. i just get angry over men who dont' accept what it is they are, own up to it, embrace it, and work toward defining themselves so they can have what they want. no one has experienced more random bad and hard times than i have but i've finally cut the bullshit out and i just have so much empathy for someone i care about. i don't want her to go through this. she doesn't either but she won't act on it. in time i guess. it's not my place to puppet the universe into making things sweet for my friends. yeah, i should just ease off i guess. but i got mad and needed to vent.
rosemarie:
The last person that I dated (for a couple of months, anyway), was gay. I had thought that he was, when I first met him. He swore that he wasn't, and I have this annoying tendency to trust and believe the things that people swear to me are true. He was so sweet and shy. I just thought maybe he was shy, that he hadn't had much experience with girls. Well, it is only funny in terrible sitcoms. I ended up feeling betrayed and now I can't trust anything that he tells me, so we can't be friends anymore, and that makes me sad. I feel like he hid behind me, because I am accepting and have a trusting nature.
I don't really know what my point is here, except that I feel for your friend. I feel for you, too, and I think that it is a good thing that you are being really straight with her, even though she might be put-off at first, she is taking it all in, and will eventually come to her realization and thank you. I only hope that that comes soon, before she makes the terrible mistake of moving in with him. the longer it lasts, the more it will hurt.
sindee:
we could work things out for her while he still lives here... just a thought. wink

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