i need a lesson in how to calm down. right now. i meditate every day, which is no big wup, but when it comes down to it i am far from enlightened - by choice i'd like to think but the real truth is i like being this way. i like the intensity of feelings - the over - the - top giddiness when it comes to the things i love. part of it is that i'm completely surprised to have met someone that instantly connected with me and to have experienced that rare night when physical chemistry has nothing to do with the chemicals we put in our bodies. i am cautious in my head but my heart is going crazy. do grown men swoon? am i riding the cheese train to cheesyville USA? the answer is obviously yes. at my age i know there's no good reason to put much meaning into all of this and yet it's what i want to do because i like the way it feels. i know it could all be over with in a matter of days - hours possibly as she is about to see my humble bachelor pad tonight. still - i could go full out with crazy talk - and yet i won't. something about this girl makes me want to do every single thing right. i know that she's hot - i know that she's in demand and seeing other people - maybe maturity makes me not care about that - maybe arrogance makes me think i'm on her mind when she's spending time with young boys who don't know shit from shinola. anyway, i'll just go with it and let myself get tied in knots over it, become indifferent about it, go crazy over it, and like a champ i'll keep the negative stuff inside and keep things sweet. either way, she's all i can think about right now and that's not a completely positive thing as my school load is heavy and if i don't ace this semester then i will have to drag school out for another few months. there's no way. i need to finish. i need to have a job that pays on time and in quantity. i have big plans in my heart so i better pump my wallet up some time soon. i bought wilco tickets for so i could take her - and it was already sold out - so yeah, i'd go over the top for her - and i have - already, but luckily she doesn't know it.
