probably best to talk to the medical chief before i take a 16+ hour trip back to california. i know he thinks i'm faking it, but hopefully i can corner him into at least giving me some flexeril or something.
this is what i'm planning on saying:
look, chief, i know we've had our differences in the past. you tried to get me busted in rank because i missed a medical appointment (that i canceled!) and you accused me of lying about the pain. i've come to you day after day not only asking for help, but for cooperation. i tried to tell you that it's hard for me to recover and to feel confident about recovery when my own primary care manager accuses me of lying. it's hard to cope with having the one person who's supposed to be helping you denying that that's anything wrong with you. and now, when you say that you've done all you can, i'm not going to just accept it, because i know it's not true. you've only sent me to one other doctor. forget the MRIs, the x-rays; those are only pictures. i needed to see a real doctor, and you sent me to somebody who just shrugged for a diagnosis, who has only seen me three times for appointments that never lasted more than 10 minutes? and now, when i'm asking for a second opinion, you say "i don't think i want to." this coming from the guy who laughs at me when i tell him how much pain i'm in. i know you don't want to. i know you don't care. that's why i want to do you a favor and get somebody else to handle my case. and yes, i can do that. when i feel like my primary care manager is failing to provide the support and treatment i deserve, i have every fucking right to change. all i need to know, all i need you to do, is answer one question for me:
are you refusing to do your job and help me because:
a) you think i'm faking it
or
b) you don't think there's anything else you can do
if you think i'm faking it, then i need to see somebody else. if you think there's nothing else you can do to help me, then stop keeping me in fucking limbo. either send me to see somebody else, or get me help. physical therapy, pain management, medication, exploratory surgery. i'm sick of this shit. i don't care if taking pain medication will disqualify me from my job. it's not that i want to quit. it's not that i want to get out of the navy. i just want to get better first. i don't want to be in pain anymore. i don't want to be a danger to my boat, my crew, myself.
i don't know what's wrong with me, and i want to find out. that's why i need to see somebody else. somebody else who will do their job.
but in the end, i'll probably just puss out and go on dealing with it.
Please, please stop smoking immediately! I care about you and I want you to take care of yourself. Seriously, I worry about you all of the time. I also really should have sent you a big batch of cookies.
You have me worried.