Arcata, CA - Current Temperature: 66F (75% humidity) (feels like 74F)
fuck.
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i wanted to write something. and not a blog. not going to happen today. too distracted. always too distracted here, there's no place to really relax. and, when i'm finally alone with myself, it's still not enough to relax.
relax. i didn't do enough of that this past weekend. of course, it was only because i was working so hard to keep it from ending.
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so now i'm back here, hiding in my quarters, headphones in and trying to drown out the sounds of my roommates, trying to do something, anything personal before i have to go back to work. it's not working out too well.
thunderstorms had us locked in the building last night, and there i was thinking, "great, just what i needed: to get locked in the fucking building." it doesn't help either that my reviews of last night's work were horrid. here i though i was doing well, but apparently i need to be more specific. story of my life. got a brief on future opportunities, success stories, promotions and perks; all shit i'm likely to be eligible for, as long as my favorable academic performance continues. today was the first day i actually considered going for officer. and now, after a long day, i'm back to doubt. i can do well enough, the information is easy enough to absorb and understand (so far). next week we start physics, which doesn't look too bad. but then there's the thing, no matter how interesting the material is, no matter how not hard it is, i just can't give a shit right now.
it's sometimes so daunting.
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and yeah, here's me: mr. negative. maybe just a little.
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saw a girl this weekend, and meh. yeah, got laid for the first time since i've joined the navy, for the first time since last december. but so what? it sucked. no matter what i did. and oh did i do; i haven't been that wild since the last time i got drunk and slept with her. yeah, that's right, i have to stop sleeping with her. we'll see what happens the next time i'm drinking in arcata. charlie, next time don't tell me where you're hiding my keys.
like a snoozing stone. i was afraid to wake her up. shit, son. it was that bad.
okay, yeah, i'm am negative. how about that?
when i stopped being romantic years ago, is it really pessimism? or was it pessimism that made me stop being romantic years ago? okay, so maybe sex isn't the cure. when was the last time i ever really gave a shit about somebody else? yeah, in that way. it's not like i can do anything now, you know, what with my fucking career and all. shit, mang, can't this sucker get some lovin'? damn. but yeah, ramble ramble. i guess this is my obnoxious way of saying that i'm lonely. especially after the past weekend, now i'm especially lonely.
honestly, though, i don't know anything about love anymore. i know i don't have the feelings or the time. ever feel vacant? like things that you think you should cherish and enjoy? yeah, i pick up the cues and put on the appropriate facial expression, but mostly i'm just lost, drifting in a numb ebb.
i may come off as cocky. may not. sometimes i get the impression that people think i'm too full of myself. really, in person, i'm a pushover.
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somehow, after all this past weekend, i forgot how obnoxious i could be. but, my god, what a great weekend it was. most of it went by fast, all blurry now. got to see some old friends, got to meet some new. seriously the best time i've had in a long time, back home with my family of friends. best company in the world, really. great drinks, great games. i was almost instantly reverted to my previous life: northern california bum, with nothing better to do than lounge about and enjoy the dreary weather. i found myself sleeping on the porch one morning, thinking that i was locked out of the house, and i was happy.
i can't wait until the next time i'm out there. no, really, i can't fucking wait. if there was even a time that i doubted joining the military, this weekend was it.
the amazing _CharlieLove_ came with, and boy am i glad. of course, i'm still kicking myself for not hanging out with her sooner. not only did she fit into the group so well, but she was a ton of fucking fun. she also plays a wicked game of beer (or malt liquor) pong. go rear admirals!
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i've put off going to work for too long now. i need to run out and grab dinner and supplies and head back in. maybe doing 4 more hours tonight. ugh. bed by 2400. pt at 0545. exciting.
terrific.
i miss home.
i'm unhappy.
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escape. escape. escape.
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i forgot what i was complaining about.
i just wish i wasn't missing this.
What's going on?
Damn. I'm all prying, and shit.