I write this here, where I do no expect a response, my frustrations with friendship for my own amusement, but as is the moral of my story, inserting thoughts in this world is the only way to get feedback.
I often find myself in a perilous chasm between being myself and being accepted. So many messages go unanswered, so many text messages and phone calls hear no reply. It has its long term effects no matter how hard you try to accept it. So easily it forms a vision in your mind that takes over. I meekly reach my hand to others trying to express myself where I would not do so before. When it comes back it can seem so unearned and effortless but it is so rare. When I am rejected I feel two simultaneous feelings, one of lashing out by just acting all the more the same to what must not have attracted them to me in the first place. The other feeling is retreat, to lack of hope and expectation, where it is so peaceful and safe.
But in the end I require input back into my experience. Meeting friends who are caring, (even that seems cyclical, only really having 2 or 3 at any given time) when it has happened, has been the greatest experience of my life. So I will stick my head out again, risk disappointment despite that it feels so often faced. What is needed is a new approach, so I will try WWASD? - what would Al Swearingen do? I don't believe Al Swearingen has felt bad about himself one day in his life and would not allow the world's dealings to affect him. When he reaches his hand out it is unapologetic.
Let it be so.
I often find myself in a perilous chasm between being myself and being accepted. So many messages go unanswered, so many text messages and phone calls hear no reply. It has its long term effects no matter how hard you try to accept it. So easily it forms a vision in your mind that takes over. I meekly reach my hand to others trying to express myself where I would not do so before. When it comes back it can seem so unearned and effortless but it is so rare. When I am rejected I feel two simultaneous feelings, one of lashing out by just acting all the more the same to what must not have attracted them to me in the first place. The other feeling is retreat, to lack of hope and expectation, where it is so peaceful and safe.
But in the end I require input back into my experience. Meeting friends who are caring, (even that seems cyclical, only really having 2 or 3 at any given time) when it has happened, has been the greatest experience of my life. So I will stick my head out again, risk disappointment despite that it feels so often faced. What is needed is a new approach, so I will try WWASD? - what would Al Swearingen do? I don't believe Al Swearingen has felt bad about himself one day in his life and would not allow the world's dealings to affect him. When he reaches his hand out it is unapologetic.
Let it be so.