I miss my Uncle today. I sit at home, nearly finished with the job I've had for the last three years and I feel very melancholy.
I sit without a sense of self worth. Not a worthlessness... just a complete lack of understanding about my worth to the world. I don't know who cares for me, who thinks about me in idle times or who has harmless daydreams about being with me... in any way.
I go on dates and have no clue about follow-up or signs or signals. There isn't any, because people think that saying they're not interested in you is more cruel than saying they are and never calling back. Coffee is for closers. No coffee for me.
"What is your dream date?"
"A second one."
Not even that, though. I just can't read intentions on any level. Why are you calling? Why aren't you? I don't know.
And I'm trapped with the kind of ego that thinks I'm an interesting person. That I'm funny and that being strong and having decent morals and not taking drugs or hitting people or stealing things should matter to someone, somewhere. It doesn't, really.
Maybe over the long term. But we don't live in a world of long term anymore. We live in a world where the business practices are slash and burn. Short term profit, escape and start again. My old boss, the one that started the business I'm about to be laid off from, makes a business about starting businesses. He likes the process. He's used to the build and abandon philosophy the same as the girls I've dated and the Presidents I've helped elect. No accountability. I blame the internet. And that was irony. In case you missed it.
I have no sense of why people care about me. Scratch that... I know why they would. I'm an interesting person. I'm funny and strong and have decent morals and I don't take drugs or hit people or steal things. I just don't know that they do.
I could make this some kind of positive hug your neighbor moment. Make sure someone around you knows who you care about today kind of thing. But that's not my point. My point is I'm melancholy. My point is I'd like to figure out how to tell on my own. I'd like to be able to assume people do care about me, instead of don't. But that requires feedback and interaction with the folks involved. But nobody calls me back.
I sit without a sense of self worth. Not a worthlessness... just a complete lack of understanding about my worth to the world. I don't know who cares for me, who thinks about me in idle times or who has harmless daydreams about being with me... in any way.
I go on dates and have no clue about follow-up or signs or signals. There isn't any, because people think that saying they're not interested in you is more cruel than saying they are and never calling back. Coffee is for closers. No coffee for me.
"What is your dream date?"
"A second one."
Not even that, though. I just can't read intentions on any level. Why are you calling? Why aren't you? I don't know.
And I'm trapped with the kind of ego that thinks I'm an interesting person. That I'm funny and that being strong and having decent morals and not taking drugs or hitting people or stealing things should matter to someone, somewhere. It doesn't, really.
Maybe over the long term. But we don't live in a world of long term anymore. We live in a world where the business practices are slash and burn. Short term profit, escape and start again. My old boss, the one that started the business I'm about to be laid off from, makes a business about starting businesses. He likes the process. He's used to the build and abandon philosophy the same as the girls I've dated and the Presidents I've helped elect. No accountability. I blame the internet. And that was irony. In case you missed it.
I have no sense of why people care about me. Scratch that... I know why they would. I'm an interesting person. I'm funny and strong and have decent morals and I don't take drugs or hit people or steal things. I just don't know that they do.
I could make this some kind of positive hug your neighbor moment. Make sure someone around you knows who you care about today kind of thing. But that's not my point. My point is I'm melancholy. My point is I'd like to figure out how to tell on my own. I'd like to be able to assume people do care about me, instead of don't. But that requires feedback and interaction with the folks involved. But nobody calls me back.
... What can I do to make it up to you?
My point is that those things do not make you likeable, loveable, or interesting... they are baselines. It's the quirks, the tiny facets, the meandering oddities that make you an individual and interesting to others. You seem to have plenty of those things. I'm just saying look at those instead.
And in my opinion, to place your self-worth, enthusiasm, and motivation in the hands of a stranger, a friend, a companion, or someone you desire is to remove your core. Define and motivate yourself. you are good at looking at the world around you and finding inspiration and fascination... I've read your entries before, and they conveyed that. Your interaction with others shouldn't be about confirming your importance, it should be about learning about and appreciating them.
I understand the melancholy part, and realize that sometimes it's just good to be there... and I understand the need for interaction and communication. I just feel like those things are all cyclical, and chasing the tail end of them will never get you to a destination. Stop. Appreciate where and who you are, and they will come to you.
I'm sorry if I'm interrupting, or if my words are unsolicited, but I saw your post on levezletoi's page and stopped by. hope things get better, and sorry about your job.