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And now! The final part of my play, "Searching For Julie Wisch." Part of the 2002 Seattle Fringe Festival, "Julie" had six showings and sold out 3 of them. The original poster and such can be found here:

Original website

The previous parts are found in between my daily rants and raves as follows:

Prelude

Scene One

Interlude

Scene Two

Second Interlude

Scene Three

Third Interlude

You'll want to check those out first. If you haven't read the first scene in a while, you may want to re-read that again, as the final scene ties directly into it.


And, now, the final scene of Searching For Julie Wisch. Comments are welcome!


ACT FOUR - SMALL AIRPORT GATE

Lights up.

THE NARRATOR and ARIADNE sit, lit by the loan television. Ariadne watches.

NARRATOR
So, what's the deal with this boyfriend?

ARIADNE
What? What's the deal? What does that mean... the deal?

NARRATOR
What does he do... where is he flying in from... what's the deal?

ARIADNE
What's the deal.

NARRATOR
Let me guess... he's a cowboy... a bronco buster...

ARIADNE
Oh, ha ha, I get it. Ariadne's boyfriend fights bulls for a living -- um, no. Not that obvious. He's a day trader, a stock market guy.

NARRATOR
Specializing in Bull markets.

ARIADNE
(rolls her eyes, and motions)
Man, I love TV. Im mesmerized by it... hypnotized. Doesnt matter whats on. I love the light, the motion.

NARRATOR
Not me. Im a movie guy. TV seems like an unnecessary drain on my resources.

ARIADNE
(teasing)
Sigh. Is your plane here yet?

NARRATOR
No.

ARIADNE
You dont seem that enthused about your reunion.

NARRATOR
What is it about families?

ARIADNE
I love my family just fine. Lots of people do.

NARRATOR
Its not that I dont love my family. Its just, once I escaped, I only want to check in occasionally... make sure everyone is still alive.

ARIADNE
Most of the boyfriends Ive had, have liked their families. Most of my girl friends like their families. People like their families.

NARRATOR
Im not saying I dont like my family.

ARIADNE
This one guy I went out with had a huge, beautiful family. All smiles and clear skin. He loved his family and they loved him. Love, all around.

NARRATOR
Was he all smiles and clear skin, too?

ARIADNE
Of course. Not that Ive dated cute guys exclusively. Not at all, really. But this guy was different. He was cute, this Theseus. Too cute, in fact, too handsome. It was doomed from the start.

NARRATOR
Everyones done that. Everyone gets a chance to date someone really cute. Someone you think is so much better looking than you... you spend the entire relationship wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. And the other shoe always drops.

ARIADNE
Well, yeah, because youre spending all your time worrying about shoes and not the relationship.

NARRATOR
Well, just one shoe.

ARIADNE
And youve had this happen?

NARRATOR
Sure, with a girl I went out with a couple of years ago. Moe.

ARIADNE
Her name was Moe?

NARRATOR
Yes, Ariadne, it was.

ARIADNE
Was it short for something?

NARRATOR
Nope. Just Moe.

ARIADNE
And Moe was too cute for you?

NARRATOR
Did ever you see Planet of the Apes?

ARIADNE
Nope.

NARRATOR
Really?

ARIADNE
Really. Who would lie about that?

NARRATOR
Its just a little perplexing, someone whos watched as much TV as you, not seeing Planet of the Apes.

ARIADNE
I watch TV, yes. I do not see movies.

NARRATOR
But they have movies on TV.

ARIADNE
Sure, but they're edited and I would prefer to watch the original version. Unedited, I guess.

NARRATOR
But, you've never rented the video or DVD then?

ARIADNE
No, I do not see movies.

NARRATOR
Fair enough. Planet of the Apes is all about this astronaut that lands on this planet --

ARIADNE
Which is populated by intelligent apes, yeah I know.

NARRATOR
You said you didnt see it.

ARIADNE
I havent seen it, but its not like I was raised in a remote Indian village.

NARRATOR
I should specify this was the original, not the remake.

ARIADNE
Whats a remake?

NARRATOR
You dont know what a rema --

ARIADNE
I was kidding. Go on with your Planet of the Moe story.

NARRATOR
Theres this scene, where Zira g --

ARIADNE
Zira is an intelligent ape?

NARRATOR
Yeah. Shes the Ape veterinarian that took care of Taylor... the aforementioned astronaut... anyway, Zira goes to kiss Taylor and says something to the effect of if only you werent so damn ugly.

ARIADNE
Because he was an savage human in a world of intelligent apes.

NARRATOR
Yeah. That was me and Moe. Every time I kissed her I was imagining her thinking, If only you werent so damn ugly.

ARIADNE
Why was Zira kissing Taylor?

NARRATOR
She was helping him escape.

ARIADNE
From the other apes.

NARRATOR
Who wanted to kill him.

ARIADNE
They had formed a bond, though all their adventures.

NARRATOR
The kiss always comes at the end.

ARIADNE
Not always.
(pause)
You were telling me about this Julie. This Kindergarten crush gone awry. What would you do if you ever found her? This mythical girl?

NARRATOR
Im not sure.

ARIADNE
You have to have thought about it.

NARRATOR
Of course Ive thought about it. Every once and while I run these mock conversations though my head. Like if she just spontaneously called in the middle of the night.

ARIADNE
Like if the phone rang and her sweet little voice asked for your name and you had all the cool lines ready.

NARRATOR
Yeah. Like I would be all hey, Julie, long time no see.

ARIADNE
Or you'd be all, Hey, Julie, remember that time we sat in the swings at recess... and the sun made your eyes sparkle like ice cubes in a clear blue sea?

NARRATOR
Or Hey, Julie... Hey, wait a minute... that sounded too familiar.

ARIADNE
I made up the swing set, but some guy used the ice cube line on me.

NARRATOR
Did it work?

ARIADNE
Of course. Do you know how easy it is to get women to fall in love with you?

NARRATOR
Like, bar lines?

ARIADNE
No, no, not how to get a woman to sleep with you. There are countless books on that.

NARRATOR
No, there are countless books on how to get women to fall in love with you.

ARIADNE
Thats not true. There are countless books for women on how to get men to fall in love with them... an entirely different sort of tale. There are also countless books on how to meet people... how to get people to marry you. What there aren't, are countless books on how to get women to fall in love with you. With men.

NARRATOR
Im sure there are.

ARIADNE
Then they're all wrong. Because the only thing you need to do to make women fall in love with you is to be nice to them.

NARRATOR
Nice?

ARIADNE
Just be nice. Dont try and read too much into it.

NARRATOR
I know plenty of women that go out with bastards.

ARIADNE
Those are girls. Girls go out with bastards because they don't have the tools to know what nice is. The smart ones grow up.

NARRATOR
So, youre falling in love with me, then?

ARIADNE
Are you being nice to me, boy?

NARRATOR
I think Im being pretty nice.

ARIADNE
Nice does not mean the absence of malice. Because you havent been mean, doesnt equate to being nice to me.

NARRATOR
I havent been nice to you?

ARIADNE
Im not saying youve been mean. But how much interest have you taken in me? How many questions about what I do, or what I like?

NARRATOR
Nice is asking you what you like and what you do?

ARIADNE
Nice is different things to different people. You've asked more questions about my boyfriend than me and I know you don't want to go out with him.

NARRATOR
So, I havent been nice to you.

ARIADNE
Youve been nice to me.

NARRATOR
Then youre falling in love with me.

ARIADNE
Oh, no. Your niceness stems from a desire to get laid, not a genuine concern for my well-being.

NARRATOR
You think Im being nice to you to get laid?

ARIADNE
You havent asked me what I do or what I like.

NARRATOR
What do you do?

ARIADNE
Thats not the point and the moment has passed.

NARRATOR
See, this is why they need a book. It isnt just being nice, its being nice in a certain way, for certain motivations and at the right time.

ARIADNE
Its easy, you just have to see your way through it.

NARRATOR
Oh, thats right, youre queen of leading people through mazes.

ARIADNE
Princess, actually. And thats what I do. I lead men through mazes. In fact, soon after breaking up with me, seven of the last ten boyfriends have met the love of their lives. Their one and only.

NARRATOR
You mean they raised the wrong sail or leaped to their death, or whatever...

ARIADNE
Theseus didnt raise the wrong sail, he didnt raise a sail at all and his father, thinking he was slain, leaped off a cliff to his death.

NARRATOR
I suppose a girl named after an obscure Greek goddess would know about Greek mythology.

ARIADNE
Theseus retired and was later killed by a trusted friend, King Lycomedes, of Scyros.

NARRATOR
A fitting demise for such a backstabbing bastard.

ARIADNE
Theseus was nice to Ariadne because he needed her help. Maybe he even lied to her. But Ariadne fell in love with Theseus because he was nice and she didnt know about motivations.

NARRATOR
Wait, I got another one: Hey, Julie, you looked so pretty in that corn flour blue dress.

ARIADNE
Hey, Julie, Ive had thirty years to think of a clever line and this was the best I could do.

NARRATOR
Seven out of ten of your previous boyfriends have met the love of their life after breaking up with you?

ARIADNE
I exaggerated. It was six out of six.

NARRATOR
Thats a hundred percent. Your first example was seventy percent. How did you exaggerate?

ARIADNE
About the total number. It was nice of you to do the math, though. See how much more youre paying attention?

NARRATOR
I was asking how youd break up with me? If I was your boyfriend and I knew those odds, Id break up with you about a week after we got together. Well, two weeks if the weird oral sex was good.

ARIADNE
See, thats not the way it works. Youd be wandering around in the maze and Id have both ends of the string. Keeping the string alive means we break up on my terms. When youve made your way out.

NARRATOR
Hey, Julie, I just broke up with Ariadne and Im going to Disneyland. Can I call you the Magic Kingdom?

ARIADNE
Hey, Julie, what do you think about when I tell my clever stories?

NARRATOR
Youre so mean to me sometimes.

ARIADNE
Yeah, women are under no obligation to be nice. Men fall in love for all kinds of reasons.
(pause)
Do you dream about this Julie? When youre floating?

NARRATOR
No. I dont dream about people I know. I dream about trying to find her house sometimes, the house she lived in when we were kids... but in the dream all these side roads appear. I always get lost.

ARIADNE
You could just go there. Or look around on the internet. It would be like a detective show only you wouldnt get beat-up in alleys after talking to witnesses.

NARRATOR
Yeah. But thats the down side of tying up loose ends. Once you do...

ARIADNE
Theyre all tied up.
(pause)
Hey, Julie, how can I be nice to you?

NARRATOR
Can I touch your hands?

ARIADNE
Can I comb your beautiful hair?

NARRATOR
Can I tell you stories about how I found you?

ARIADNE
Or why it took me so long to look?

NARRATOR
Hey, Julie. My life is absent of resolution.

ARIADNE
Your point?

NARRATOR
Which point?

ARIADNE
You said your life was absent of resolution. You havent actually looked for this girl that you've been obsessed with since you were 6. You sounded like you were working toward a point.

NARRATOR
I wouldn't say obsessed.

ARIADNE
You didn't.

NARRATOR
I suppose trailing off after making a comment about an absence of resolution is a point in itself.

ARIADNE
So there is no point.

NARRATOR
(pause)
I think its past that. I used to think that relationships... meeting people... had some kind of higher purpose...

ARIADNE
But now?

NARRATOR
Now, I think it's all random chance.

ARIADNE
Random chance? That's certainly an absence of resolution.

NARRATOR
Maybe it's chemical, like a smell or pheromones. Maybe we catch each other in moments of vulnerability. When our guard is down.
(pause)
'Hey Julie, are you happy or sad?'

ARIADNE
Moments of vulnerability. That certainly makes relationships exploitive. Waiting to prey on someone when their guard is down.

NARRATOR
Maybe they are. Exploitive.

ARIADNE
And maybe you need to actually look for this girl. Relationships can be exploitive... certainly in some cases... but I don't believe in random chance. Random chance... moments of vulnerability... just double-talk for those too scared to make decisions. To take responsibility. For those without hope to follow through.

NARRATOR
Pandora was right?

ARIADNE
(animated)
Of course Pandora was right. Did you think she was given to mankind as a gift? Do you think she was duped into marrying a man who didn't love her? Into pulling the world's biggest blunder? Pandora had purpose. Pandora made a decision. Pandora knew that hope was trapped inside a world of sin, of evil... and everyone around her was too scared to open the top, let it out.

NARRATOR
What if I think being nice is sharing all these intimate emotional secrets with a near stranger?

ARIADNE
(pause)
Thats very sweet.

Their dialog becomes rapid fire, just over the end of each other.

NARRATOR
Ariadne --

ARIADNE
-- Yes --

NARRATOR
-- Ariadne the goddess --

ARIADNE
-- Yes --

NARRATOR
-- Ariadne the goddess didn't dump anybody --

ARIADNE
-- You can go home again. You can talk the talk, you can walk the walk --

NARRATOR
-- Ariadne the goddess was abandoned at the altar. Ariadne the goddess married a man that didn't love her -

ARIADNE
-- If you have faith -- if you have faith, if you believe in your God and have faith in your God --

NARRATOR
Ariadne was tricked into killing her half-brother, betraying her father and selling her people out to invaders -- she lost her hope on the island of Naxos --

ARIADNE
-- if you have faith, then surely he has chosen the right string for you to hold on to. To guide you to the ultimate exit. Every re-living of the past, every dwelling built on past regret, is simply another home you cant go to again.

NARRATOR
-- lost her hope... cried to the heavens for help --

ARIADNE
If you have faith!


There is a pause. A breath.


ARIADNE (cont'd)
(quiet)
If you have faith.


NARRATOR
(pause)
So faith is like hope.

ARIADNE
And hope is like wishes. With regard.

NARRATOR
(pause)
I have faith Julie played volleyball in high school.

ARIADNE
Ariadne sacrificed her life for hope. Ariadne knew the difference between random meetings and faith. Her god was taking care of her. She knew the difference... she knew Pandora's sacrifice. And she was rewarded for it.

NARRATOR
I have faith Julie was Captain of the softball team.

ARIADNE
Julie as class president.

NARRATOR
Julie, voted most likely to succeed.

ARIADNE
Her life was the best her faith allowed.

NARRATOR
(pause)
Im afraid if I stop talking youll go away.

ARIADNE
Thats very sweet.

They lean in. About to ki --

NARRATOR
You've convinced me.

ARIADNE
What?

NARRATOR
(up and moving)
You've changed my mind. I'm going to look for her.

ARIADNE
(confused)
For Julie?

NARRATOR
I'm going to find her. For real.

ARIADNE
Good for you...

NARRATOR
Height is the only thing I want to be afraid of.

ARIADNE
Good for you!


Ariadne's CELL PHONE rings. She answers. She walks away, conversation unheard.

He sits, with his back to her.

She hangs up and wanders to sit in the seat directly behind him. They are BACK to BACK.


ARIADNE
He's not coming.

NARRATOR
What?

ARIADNE
The boyfriend. He's not coming. He tried reaching...
(looks at phone)
He tried calling... he said... I must have turn this off... somehow?

NARRATOR
Now, you mean? He's not coming tonight?

The initial boarding call announcement comes over the speaker.

ARIADNE
Your plane's about here, I guess.

NARRATOR
I hit a bird once.

ARIADNE
What?

NARRATOR
I hit a bird. With my car. On accident.

ARIADNE
Okay...

NARRATOR
Coming home from Christmas a couple years ago, this bird swooped down in front of my car.

ARIADNE
Okay. What kind of bird?

NARRATOR
It was tan, light orange... It comes out of nowhere. Dives out of sight in front of my bumper and for a brief instant, I think it got past... then theres this light little thump and it shoots straight up in the air... from below my bumper... straight up and over my roof... out of sight. In my mind, I can hear it hit the pavement.
(pause)
I stopped so fast I threw all my Christmas candy off the passenger seat into the floor. Turned around in some guys driveway and pulled over by the side of the road.


SILENTLY, hot, wet tears form in Ariadne's eyes as he speaks.


NARRATOR (cont'd)
It had landed right on the centerline and I could tell it was still alive. It wasnt flopping around, just twitching.

ARIADNE
(without looking, without revealing her tears)
Did you rescue him?

NARRATOR
I picked it up and its wings werent broken, but its collar bone might have been. I wanted to put it out of its misery. It was warm and its heart didnt seem to be beating too fast.


She is motionless, crying silently.


ARIADNE
(normal voice)
You could tell?

NARRATOR
I could feel it in my palm.
(pause)
His heart. I could feel its heart in my palm.

ARIADNE
Youre not going to tell me you crushed the life out of him, are you? Put me out of my misery?

NARRATOR
I set it down. It flopped off the road into a pond... hid on the other side.

ARIADNE
Cat food.

NARRATOR
Maybe. But I hope...
(realizes)
I hope... he got his breath back and made it home.

ARIADNE
(pause)
So... what was that?

NARRATOR
What?

ARIADNE
That story you just said. Was that one of your metaphors? An analogy?

NARRATOR
Those are two different things.

ARIADNE
I know. Theyre similar enough. Besides, theres no synonym for metaphor.

NARRATOR
Its just a story.

ARIADNE
Then its a good story.

NARRATOR
Aren't you mad at him?

ARIADNE
Who?


Over the intercom, the final boarding announcement is made.


NARRATOR
There's my plane.
(light)
So, I guess I'm not getting that phone number, then?


Silence. Ariadne thinks a moment......


Lights down. Then...

-- a spotlight drops on the NARRATOR.

Ariadne, now a shadow, remains. Quietly crying.


NARRATOR
I have faith, too. I have faith, but its sobering, my faith. I have faith that my escape from Napavine... all those years ago... Its a sobering thought that the only thing a person could have done... the best I could have done... if I could go home again... if I could be five...


JULIE comes out on stage...


NARRATOR (cont'd)
Its a sobering thought that the only thing I could have done for Julie Wisch was not to love her... but to fuck-up that life.


...and takes his hand.


NARRATOR
I have faith. Faith that Julie has the kind of life that makes people stronger. Faith that Julie had the kind of life that made her stronger.


She leads him past Ariadne... and she takes Ariadne's hand as well.


NARRATOR
I would have only killed her.


Julie leads them off stage.


Lights down.



THE END