Thanks for everybody that responded to my last entry. Now for something completely different.
Two entries ago I posted the Prelude to my first play, Searching for Julie Wisch.
Julie Prelude
For your hopeful entertainment, here is the first act (after you check out the prelude, of course.)
ACT ONE - SMALL AIRPORT GATE
Lights up.
ARIADNE lounges across two seats, apparently have fallen asleep while waiting for a plane.
THE NARRATOR approaches... then tries to look out the dark window on the other side of her.
ARIADNE
(waking)
What are you doing there, buddy? It better have something to do with being afraid to fly.
NARRATOR
Oh, um, no, Im afraid of heights... I love flying. I just never get to do it.
ARIADNE
I have to do it all the time.
NARRATOR
I have dreams about flying all the time. But... I never get that far off the ground.
ARIADNE
In your dreams? You dream about flying in airplanes?
NARRATOR
No, not planes, exactly. Flying ... like... a bird, I guess. Flying like a bird. Without the flapping.
ARIADNE
More like floating.
NARRATOR
Proactive. Like Superman.
ARIADNE
Active floating.
NARRATOR
Sure.
ARIADNE
Afraid of heights, but you like flying?
NARRATOR
I'm not scared of heights in my dreams. In real life it's better if I sit by a window. Where I can see all the buildings... and all the cars... and all the little people milling around... becoming surreal.
ARIADNE
The ground? It's better if you see the ground.
NARRATOR
Yeah, the ground becomes surreal. My imagination would be worse... if I sat in the middle.
(pause)
At the window... I can stare at the ground for hours... impressing the feeling of altitude on my subconscious, I guess... so the next time I dream Ill be able to go higher. Overcome the fear.
ARIADNE
Im not going to have to move, am I?
NARRATOR
No. Ill be good.
(pause)
Id like to know your name, though, if that won't make you bolt.
Ariadne is thoughtful for a second.
ARIADNE
Ariadne.
NARRATOR
You said Ariadne? Your name is Ariadne?
ARIADNE
Yeah, so?
NARRATOR
Ive just never met anyone named after a Greek goddess before.
ARIADNE
(pause)
Youve never met anyone named Cassandra before? Or Diana before? Or Sabrina, Doris? Helen?
NARRATOR
Fine. I stand corrected.
(pause)
I thought Diana was Roman.
ARIADNE
Artemis. Fine, you got me.
NARRATOR
How do you know so much about Greek mythology?
ARIADNE
How do you suppose a girl named after an obscure Greek goddess would know so much about Greek mythology?
NARRATOR
Fine. Youve answered that question before.
ARIADNE
Youre bright. I think a better question is how you know so much about Greek mythology?
NARRATOR
I read a lot.
ARIADNE
Listen, I hope you dont think youre going to get my phone number. That I was just waiting around for someone to stumble through an opening line.
NARRATOR
Ouch. I guess I wont tell you my Dionysus joke.
ARIADNE
As much as I enjoy our little game of one-upping each other with ancient religion trivia, I'm waiting for my boyfriend. He's flying in.
NARRATOR
Which is your way of saying you have a boyfriend.
ARIADNE
You are bright.
NARRATOR
Who said I was going to ask you? For your phone number?
ARIADNE
Where're you going?
NARRATOR
To visit my girlfriend.
ARIADNE
No, seriously.
NARRATOR
Family reunion.
ARIADNE
Ouch, indeed.
NARRATOR
Hey, I could have a cool family.
ARIADNE
It's possible, I suppose. But, I'm guessing, unlikely.
NARRATOR
Thats a Pandoras box best left unopened.
ARIADNE
There you go again.
NARRATOR
Sorry.
ARIADNE
By the way, it was a vase.
NARRATOR
What?
ARIADNE
Pandora had a vase, not a box. It was a birthing metaphor. The story was a birthing metaphor. Pandora gave birth to hope.
NARRATOR
Speaking of one upsmanship. Vase, box, tomato, tomoto.
ARIADNE
When I was a kid, my dad used to tell me stories about Pandora. I won't bore you with the details, since you're such a study... but suffice to say, most people focus on the releasing evil part of the myth. I prefer the giving birth to hope angle.
NARRATOR
I guess that helps fill in some blanks.
ARIADNE
About Pandora?
NARRATOR
No, about you.
ARIADNE
Really? You feel like you know me now? It's been, like, two whole minutes and you have all the answers...
NARRATOR
I didnt say I knew you. I said it helped fill in some blanks.
ARIADNE
I mean it's not a big jump in logic, is it? It's not an earth shattering conclusion that a father who named their only child after a weak-willed demi-goddess... would also read her mythology stories for bedtime... is it?
NARRATOR
Um, no, I guess not --
ARIADNE
It's not like he would read me... Aladdin stories or something.
NARRATOR
Fair enough. Ariadne, can I ask you a question?
ARIADNE
Sure.
NARRATOR
If we were going out --
ARIADNE
Which we aren't. I am going to have to move, aren't I?
NARRATOR
Yeah, we covered that... and no... Im speaking in theory. Hypothetically, I mean... if you didnt have a boyfriend... well, if I was your boyfriend, I guess...
ARIADNE
Theoretically.
NARRATOR
Hypothetically --
ARIADNE
If we were going out -- this isnt going to be some kind of weird oral sex question, is it?
NARRATOR
Weird oral sex question?
ARIADNE
You know. Youll be all, Hey, if we were going out, would you do this weird oral sex thing... this unspeakable act... well call it X... 'Would you be willing to do this unspeakable act 'X''. You'd slip in some kind of cute King Minos reference --
(more animated)
-- or, you know, something about Queen Pasiphae and the bull. That bull she fucked. You arent going to ask me some weird Greek mythology sex question and hope its some kind of turn on, are you? Feed me some line of bull.
NARRATOR
(pause)
Um, no.
ARIADNE
Good, because I cant stand that kind of thing.
NARRATOR
Really? It sounds like youve run into this kind of thing before.
ARIADNE
You're not the only man that reads.
NARRATOR
I just wanted to ask a question --
ARIADNE
A hypothetical question --
NARRATOR
-- a question based on the assumption we were going out --
ARIADNE
Theoretically.
NARRATOR
Yes. But tell me about these oral sex questions.
ARIADNE
Dont you want to ask me your made-up question?
NARRATOR
The question isnt made-up the situation is -
ARIADNE
-- whatever --
NARRATOR
-- but, no, now Im more interested in how many oral sex questions youve been asked.
ARIADNE
Of course you are. But we arent going to talk about how many oral sex questions Ive been asked -
NARRATOR
-- or your fixation about them --
ARIADNE
If we are going to talk about anything, it will be this mythological question.
NARRATOR
I cant possibly ask that question after the build up attached to it.
ARIADNE
Come on, fire away.
NARRATOR
I would like to thank you for breaking the swear barrier.
ARIADNE
The swear barrier?
NARRATOR
When two people meet -- especially a man meeting a woman -- theres this period where the social barriers start to fall... duh, right?
ARIADNE
Okay, sure.
NARRATOR
One of those barriers is swearing. We swear among our friends or at total strangers all the time. But with members of the opposite sex it waits until someone's comfortable enough to crack.
ARIADNE
And another oral barrier is broken.
NARRATOR
There you go again --
ARIADNE
I swore?
NARRATOR
Sure, you said fuck.
ARIADNE
When did I say fuck?
NARRATOR
The Queen fucks bull reference.
ARIADNE
Oh yeah, the Queen fucks bull reference.
(pause)
Pandora got hope but poor Pasiphae gave birth to a minotaur. Half-man, half-bull. I guess the moral of that story is watch who you fuck. Or fuck over.
NARRATOR
Its a good thing my question didnt have anything to do with fucking.
ARIADNE
Listen, I dont want this fucking conversation to turn into some kind of verbal fuck fest.
NARRATOR
Agreed. But its an important barrier. It allows us to relax a little and be more ourselves.
ARIADNE
A bonding experience?
NARRATOR
Yeah, the kind of thing that leads to relationships forming.
ARIADNE
Theoretically.
NARRATOR
Hypothetically.
ARIADNE
So, if we were in some kind of relationship -- if, you notice, not when... If a mythological relationship ever broke out... based on a conversation regarding... let's see... (finger counts) goddesses dumped at the altar... royalty fucking farm animals... and women giving birth to hope in clay jars... if this relationship were to happen and you had one question; what would it be?
NARRATOR
Like Aladdin rubbing a genie, wishes pop out.
ARIADNE
What? You have a wish? I thought it was a question.
NARRATOR
It is. But questions are just wishes, without regard.
ARIADNE
Wait a minute... Aladdin rubbing a genie? I may have not gotten that story read to me as a kid, but someone rubbing a genie is an entirely different sort of tale. A man rubbing a genie is a very sordid tale, in fact. You mean Aladdin rubbing a bottle. A man rubs a bottle and a genie pops out.
NARRATOR
You are presuming to know what I mean, I see.
ARIADNE
The blanks were there... I just filled them in.
NARRATOR
A genie pops out of a bottle, gives you three wishes, what would they be?
ARIADNE
You first, as youve obviously asked this question before.
NARRATOR
Obviously?
ARIADNE
Or you wouldnt have fucking asked.
NARRATOR
How would you break up with me?
ARIADNE
(pause)
Wait... That's your question? How I would break up with you? The 'if we were going out' question?
NARRATOR
Yes, if we were going out.
ARIADNE
How would I break up with you? If we were going out?
NARRATOR
If we were going out, yes.
ARIADNE
And thats not a wish, right? To go out with me?
NARRATOR
No, not a wish. A question.
ARIADNE
How would I break up with you?
NARRATOR
Yes. Let's get the mystery out of the way up front.
ARIADNE
Okay, I'll play...
(pause, thinks)
I would find something... something from when we were together. Something you saw when you looked into my eyes. A habit, a speech pattern... some wit.
NARRATOR
Something oral.
ARIADNE
Something verbal... something that you loved. A thing that said, Ariadne, I love it when you do blank. Well call it habit 'X' --
NARRATOR
Or Y to prevent confusion with the unspeakable act X --
ARIADNE
Your confusion is the least of my worries. I would do this thing 'X... whatever it was... to make you love me even more.
NARRATOR
That seems nice.
ARIADNE
Im not finished. It seems nice, yes. It would make you love me even more... that thing... that noise I would make.
NARRATOR
Habit X.
ARIADNE
That unspeakable act. It would seem nice... but it wouldnt be nice. Because we were breaking up. It would seem nice, but it would feel like I was reaching into your chest and pulling out your heart each time I did it.
(pause)
Then that noise I would make would be the sound of me pulling out your heart... that noise... that sound... would be Velcro --
(motions and makes the noise)
Filtered through your heart.
NARRATOR
Youre right. That doesnt seem nice at all.
ARIADNE
I would be a paper cut on the tip of your tongue.
NARRATOR
Youve answered that before.
ARIADNE
You're not the only man that asks questions, either.
(pause)
Youd frantically rub your bottle... your genie... to make it better.
NARRATOR
My three wishes.
ARIADNE
Your three wishes.
(pause)
Let's see... wishes... your wishes...
Ariadne stands up, thinking and moving.
ARIADNE (cont'd)
For your first wish, youd want to cover something more important... something more important than whether or not I still loved you... plenty of wishes left for that. Youd wish to talk to a dead relative... your mom... or a close friend.
NARRATOR
My mom isnt dead.
ARIADNE
Mine is.
NARRATOR
Im sorry.
ARIADNE
Why? You didnt kill her.
NARRATOR
Thats what people say... that theyre sorry.
ARIADNE
I know. It was a joke. She died a while back. Heart attack. Its no big deal.
NARRATOR
No big deal? Were you close?
ARIADNE
Of course we were close, she was my fucking mother. I mean you dont have to say what people say. Haven't you had anyone close to you die?
NARRATOR
So, these are your wishes?
ARIADNE
No. These are your wishes. Maybe not the wishes you would make now, but these arent my wishes. They're your made-up wishes... based on your hypothetical question.
NARRATOR
Go on, then.
ARIADNE
Your second wish would be for success or talent. You would take a talent you already had and make it better, or choose one you always wanted and get it. Something you got teased about as a kid, like a bad singing voice or small breasts --
NARRATOR
Small breasts are a talent?
ARIADNE
No, of course not. Normal breasts are a talent. Small breasts are something you get teased about. You would wish for this talent --
NARRATOR
Say... talent X --
ARIADNE
-- of course -- and you'd wish for talent X so that it would distract you from the pain of the breakup.
NARRATOR
These arent your wishes?
ARIADNE
Of course not. Im fine with my breasts.
NARRATOR
And your dead mother.
ARIADNE
To make it all complete, to make the world livable... youd use that third wish to ease the pain of our break-up. My breaking up with you, I mean. You'd wish that genie would reach up and painlessly... with no blood and just a slight tingle of its passing... youd wish that that genie would pull out that knife I stuck in your Velcro covered heart.
NARRATOR
So, it would be okay. The break-up would be fine.
ARIADNE
No. It would seem fine, you made your wish. It would seem fine, but, unfortunately for you, your fucking genie can only count to two. That third wish just cant come true.
NARRATOR
(pause)
Youve answered this question before.
(pause)
Would you go out with me?
ARIADNE
In theory?
NARRATOR
(thinking)
Ariadne.
ARIADNE
Yes?
NARRATOR
No, Ariadne. The goddess. The demi-goddess. She knew something about two genie wishes, didn't she?
ARIADNE
Ariadne, the goddess, got left behind when Theseus, her mythological hero, decided holding a piece of string through a minotaurs maze wasnt a true enough token of a woman's love... that promises were just wishes meant to be broken.
Ariadne becomes more animated.
ARIADNE (cont'd)
Theseus abandoned her on the isle of Naxos, while she slept. And when she woke up, Ariadne wept so long and so hard, that Dionysus, the god of wine and law, descended from the heavens and declared his love for her.
(pause)
Dionysus, that drunken genie... he knew how to treat a woman.
(pause)
The lesson, despite modern attempts to alter the mythology --
NARRATOR
-- give Pandora a box --
ARIADNE
The lesson learned by Ariadnes sad plight is that if a woman wails long enough and hard enough... a god will rescue her from the stupid mortals that fuck her over.
NARRATOR
(pause)
Youve answered the question before.
ARIADNE
Sure, I've lived it. I've lead men through mazes... and I've been dumped the day after. But I have yet to cry. Have yet to made my wailing heard.
Ariadne settles back down.
ARIADNE (cont'd)
(motions)
Hey, how do you turn on the TV?
Lights dim.
END ACT ONE
Two entries ago I posted the Prelude to my first play, Searching for Julie Wisch.
Julie Prelude
For your hopeful entertainment, here is the first act (after you check out the prelude, of course.)
ACT ONE - SMALL AIRPORT GATE
Lights up.
ARIADNE lounges across two seats, apparently have fallen asleep while waiting for a plane.
THE NARRATOR approaches... then tries to look out the dark window on the other side of her.
ARIADNE
(waking)
What are you doing there, buddy? It better have something to do with being afraid to fly.
NARRATOR
Oh, um, no, Im afraid of heights... I love flying. I just never get to do it.
ARIADNE
I have to do it all the time.
NARRATOR
I have dreams about flying all the time. But... I never get that far off the ground.
ARIADNE
In your dreams? You dream about flying in airplanes?
NARRATOR
No, not planes, exactly. Flying ... like... a bird, I guess. Flying like a bird. Without the flapping.
ARIADNE
More like floating.
NARRATOR
Proactive. Like Superman.
ARIADNE
Active floating.
NARRATOR
Sure.
ARIADNE
Afraid of heights, but you like flying?
NARRATOR
I'm not scared of heights in my dreams. In real life it's better if I sit by a window. Where I can see all the buildings... and all the cars... and all the little people milling around... becoming surreal.
ARIADNE
The ground? It's better if you see the ground.
NARRATOR
Yeah, the ground becomes surreal. My imagination would be worse... if I sat in the middle.
(pause)
At the window... I can stare at the ground for hours... impressing the feeling of altitude on my subconscious, I guess... so the next time I dream Ill be able to go higher. Overcome the fear.
ARIADNE
Im not going to have to move, am I?
NARRATOR
No. Ill be good.
(pause)
Id like to know your name, though, if that won't make you bolt.
Ariadne is thoughtful for a second.
ARIADNE
Ariadne.
NARRATOR
You said Ariadne? Your name is Ariadne?
ARIADNE
Yeah, so?
NARRATOR
Ive just never met anyone named after a Greek goddess before.
ARIADNE
(pause)
Youve never met anyone named Cassandra before? Or Diana before? Or Sabrina, Doris? Helen?
NARRATOR
Fine. I stand corrected.
(pause)
I thought Diana was Roman.
ARIADNE
Artemis. Fine, you got me.
NARRATOR
How do you know so much about Greek mythology?
ARIADNE
How do you suppose a girl named after an obscure Greek goddess would know so much about Greek mythology?
NARRATOR
Fine. Youve answered that question before.
ARIADNE
Youre bright. I think a better question is how you know so much about Greek mythology?
NARRATOR
I read a lot.
ARIADNE
Listen, I hope you dont think youre going to get my phone number. That I was just waiting around for someone to stumble through an opening line.
NARRATOR
Ouch. I guess I wont tell you my Dionysus joke.
ARIADNE
As much as I enjoy our little game of one-upping each other with ancient religion trivia, I'm waiting for my boyfriend. He's flying in.
NARRATOR
Which is your way of saying you have a boyfriend.
ARIADNE
You are bright.
NARRATOR
Who said I was going to ask you? For your phone number?
ARIADNE
Where're you going?
NARRATOR
To visit my girlfriend.
ARIADNE
No, seriously.
NARRATOR
Family reunion.
ARIADNE
Ouch, indeed.
NARRATOR
Hey, I could have a cool family.
ARIADNE
It's possible, I suppose. But, I'm guessing, unlikely.
NARRATOR
Thats a Pandoras box best left unopened.
ARIADNE
There you go again.
NARRATOR
Sorry.
ARIADNE
By the way, it was a vase.
NARRATOR
What?
ARIADNE
Pandora had a vase, not a box. It was a birthing metaphor. The story was a birthing metaphor. Pandora gave birth to hope.
NARRATOR
Speaking of one upsmanship. Vase, box, tomato, tomoto.
ARIADNE
When I was a kid, my dad used to tell me stories about Pandora. I won't bore you with the details, since you're such a study... but suffice to say, most people focus on the releasing evil part of the myth. I prefer the giving birth to hope angle.
NARRATOR
I guess that helps fill in some blanks.
ARIADNE
About Pandora?
NARRATOR
No, about you.
ARIADNE
Really? You feel like you know me now? It's been, like, two whole minutes and you have all the answers...
NARRATOR
I didnt say I knew you. I said it helped fill in some blanks.
ARIADNE
I mean it's not a big jump in logic, is it? It's not an earth shattering conclusion that a father who named their only child after a weak-willed demi-goddess... would also read her mythology stories for bedtime... is it?
NARRATOR
Um, no, I guess not --
ARIADNE
It's not like he would read me... Aladdin stories or something.
NARRATOR
Fair enough. Ariadne, can I ask you a question?
ARIADNE
Sure.
NARRATOR
If we were going out --
ARIADNE
Which we aren't. I am going to have to move, aren't I?
NARRATOR
Yeah, we covered that... and no... Im speaking in theory. Hypothetically, I mean... if you didnt have a boyfriend... well, if I was your boyfriend, I guess...
ARIADNE
Theoretically.
NARRATOR
Hypothetically --
ARIADNE
If we were going out -- this isnt going to be some kind of weird oral sex question, is it?
NARRATOR
Weird oral sex question?
ARIADNE
You know. Youll be all, Hey, if we were going out, would you do this weird oral sex thing... this unspeakable act... well call it X... 'Would you be willing to do this unspeakable act 'X''. You'd slip in some kind of cute King Minos reference --
(more animated)
-- or, you know, something about Queen Pasiphae and the bull. That bull she fucked. You arent going to ask me some weird Greek mythology sex question and hope its some kind of turn on, are you? Feed me some line of bull.
NARRATOR
(pause)
Um, no.
ARIADNE
Good, because I cant stand that kind of thing.
NARRATOR
Really? It sounds like youve run into this kind of thing before.
ARIADNE
You're not the only man that reads.
NARRATOR
I just wanted to ask a question --
ARIADNE
A hypothetical question --
NARRATOR
-- a question based on the assumption we were going out --
ARIADNE
Theoretically.
NARRATOR
Yes. But tell me about these oral sex questions.
ARIADNE
Dont you want to ask me your made-up question?
NARRATOR
The question isnt made-up the situation is -
ARIADNE
-- whatever --
NARRATOR
-- but, no, now Im more interested in how many oral sex questions youve been asked.
ARIADNE
Of course you are. But we arent going to talk about how many oral sex questions Ive been asked -
NARRATOR
-- or your fixation about them --
ARIADNE
If we are going to talk about anything, it will be this mythological question.
NARRATOR
I cant possibly ask that question after the build up attached to it.
ARIADNE
Come on, fire away.
NARRATOR
I would like to thank you for breaking the swear barrier.
ARIADNE
The swear barrier?
NARRATOR
When two people meet -- especially a man meeting a woman -- theres this period where the social barriers start to fall... duh, right?
ARIADNE
Okay, sure.
NARRATOR
One of those barriers is swearing. We swear among our friends or at total strangers all the time. But with members of the opposite sex it waits until someone's comfortable enough to crack.
ARIADNE
And another oral barrier is broken.
NARRATOR
There you go again --
ARIADNE
I swore?
NARRATOR
Sure, you said fuck.
ARIADNE
When did I say fuck?
NARRATOR
The Queen fucks bull reference.
ARIADNE
Oh yeah, the Queen fucks bull reference.
(pause)
Pandora got hope but poor Pasiphae gave birth to a minotaur. Half-man, half-bull. I guess the moral of that story is watch who you fuck. Or fuck over.
NARRATOR
Its a good thing my question didnt have anything to do with fucking.
ARIADNE
Listen, I dont want this fucking conversation to turn into some kind of verbal fuck fest.
NARRATOR
Agreed. But its an important barrier. It allows us to relax a little and be more ourselves.
ARIADNE
A bonding experience?
NARRATOR
Yeah, the kind of thing that leads to relationships forming.
ARIADNE
Theoretically.
NARRATOR
Hypothetically.
ARIADNE
So, if we were in some kind of relationship -- if, you notice, not when... If a mythological relationship ever broke out... based on a conversation regarding... let's see... (finger counts) goddesses dumped at the altar... royalty fucking farm animals... and women giving birth to hope in clay jars... if this relationship were to happen and you had one question; what would it be?
NARRATOR
Like Aladdin rubbing a genie, wishes pop out.
ARIADNE
What? You have a wish? I thought it was a question.
NARRATOR
It is. But questions are just wishes, without regard.
ARIADNE
Wait a minute... Aladdin rubbing a genie? I may have not gotten that story read to me as a kid, but someone rubbing a genie is an entirely different sort of tale. A man rubbing a genie is a very sordid tale, in fact. You mean Aladdin rubbing a bottle. A man rubs a bottle and a genie pops out.
NARRATOR
You are presuming to know what I mean, I see.
ARIADNE
The blanks were there... I just filled them in.
NARRATOR
A genie pops out of a bottle, gives you three wishes, what would they be?
ARIADNE
You first, as youve obviously asked this question before.
NARRATOR
Obviously?
ARIADNE
Or you wouldnt have fucking asked.
NARRATOR
How would you break up with me?
ARIADNE
(pause)
Wait... That's your question? How I would break up with you? The 'if we were going out' question?
NARRATOR
Yes, if we were going out.
ARIADNE
How would I break up with you? If we were going out?
NARRATOR
If we were going out, yes.
ARIADNE
And thats not a wish, right? To go out with me?
NARRATOR
No, not a wish. A question.
ARIADNE
How would I break up with you?
NARRATOR
Yes. Let's get the mystery out of the way up front.
ARIADNE
Okay, I'll play...
(pause, thinks)
I would find something... something from when we were together. Something you saw when you looked into my eyes. A habit, a speech pattern... some wit.
NARRATOR
Something oral.
ARIADNE
Something verbal... something that you loved. A thing that said, Ariadne, I love it when you do blank. Well call it habit 'X' --
NARRATOR
Or Y to prevent confusion with the unspeakable act X --
ARIADNE
Your confusion is the least of my worries. I would do this thing 'X... whatever it was... to make you love me even more.
NARRATOR
That seems nice.
ARIADNE
Im not finished. It seems nice, yes. It would make you love me even more... that thing... that noise I would make.
NARRATOR
Habit X.
ARIADNE
That unspeakable act. It would seem nice... but it wouldnt be nice. Because we were breaking up. It would seem nice, but it would feel like I was reaching into your chest and pulling out your heart each time I did it.
(pause)
Then that noise I would make would be the sound of me pulling out your heart... that noise... that sound... would be Velcro --
(motions and makes the noise)
Filtered through your heart.
NARRATOR
Youre right. That doesnt seem nice at all.
ARIADNE
I would be a paper cut on the tip of your tongue.
NARRATOR
Youve answered that before.
ARIADNE
You're not the only man that asks questions, either.
(pause)
Youd frantically rub your bottle... your genie... to make it better.
NARRATOR
My three wishes.
ARIADNE
Your three wishes.
(pause)
Let's see... wishes... your wishes...
Ariadne stands up, thinking and moving.
ARIADNE (cont'd)
For your first wish, youd want to cover something more important... something more important than whether or not I still loved you... plenty of wishes left for that. Youd wish to talk to a dead relative... your mom... or a close friend.
NARRATOR
My mom isnt dead.
ARIADNE
Mine is.
NARRATOR
Im sorry.
ARIADNE
Why? You didnt kill her.
NARRATOR
Thats what people say... that theyre sorry.
ARIADNE
I know. It was a joke. She died a while back. Heart attack. Its no big deal.
NARRATOR
No big deal? Were you close?
ARIADNE
Of course we were close, she was my fucking mother. I mean you dont have to say what people say. Haven't you had anyone close to you die?
NARRATOR
So, these are your wishes?
ARIADNE
No. These are your wishes. Maybe not the wishes you would make now, but these arent my wishes. They're your made-up wishes... based on your hypothetical question.
NARRATOR
Go on, then.
ARIADNE
Your second wish would be for success or talent. You would take a talent you already had and make it better, or choose one you always wanted and get it. Something you got teased about as a kid, like a bad singing voice or small breasts --
NARRATOR
Small breasts are a talent?
ARIADNE
No, of course not. Normal breasts are a talent. Small breasts are something you get teased about. You would wish for this talent --
NARRATOR
Say... talent X --
ARIADNE
-- of course -- and you'd wish for talent X so that it would distract you from the pain of the breakup.
NARRATOR
These arent your wishes?
ARIADNE
Of course not. Im fine with my breasts.
NARRATOR
And your dead mother.
ARIADNE
To make it all complete, to make the world livable... youd use that third wish to ease the pain of our break-up. My breaking up with you, I mean. You'd wish that genie would reach up and painlessly... with no blood and just a slight tingle of its passing... youd wish that that genie would pull out that knife I stuck in your Velcro covered heart.
NARRATOR
So, it would be okay. The break-up would be fine.
ARIADNE
No. It would seem fine, you made your wish. It would seem fine, but, unfortunately for you, your fucking genie can only count to two. That third wish just cant come true.
NARRATOR
(pause)
Youve answered this question before.
(pause)
Would you go out with me?
ARIADNE
In theory?
NARRATOR
(thinking)
Ariadne.
ARIADNE
Yes?
NARRATOR
No, Ariadne. The goddess. The demi-goddess. She knew something about two genie wishes, didn't she?
ARIADNE
Ariadne, the goddess, got left behind when Theseus, her mythological hero, decided holding a piece of string through a minotaurs maze wasnt a true enough token of a woman's love... that promises were just wishes meant to be broken.
Ariadne becomes more animated.
ARIADNE (cont'd)
Theseus abandoned her on the isle of Naxos, while she slept. And when she woke up, Ariadne wept so long and so hard, that Dionysus, the god of wine and law, descended from the heavens and declared his love for her.
(pause)
Dionysus, that drunken genie... he knew how to treat a woman.
(pause)
The lesson, despite modern attempts to alter the mythology --
NARRATOR
-- give Pandora a box --
ARIADNE
The lesson learned by Ariadnes sad plight is that if a woman wails long enough and hard enough... a god will rescue her from the stupid mortals that fuck her over.
NARRATOR
(pause)
Youve answered the question before.
ARIADNE
Sure, I've lived it. I've lead men through mazes... and I've been dumped the day after. But I have yet to cry. Have yet to made my wailing heard.
Ariadne settles back down.
ARIADNE (cont'd)
(motions)
Hey, how do you turn on the TV?
Lights dim.
END ACT ONE
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
unravled:
But is a force of nature a talent?
unravled:
I've been practicing all day. They just can't keep that third ball up in the air.