Something that makes me laugh so hard until I burst into tears because it hurts that damn much..is when this computer decides to completely freeze at the most inconvenient of times. Mostly when I'm typing up school work and click 'file' to save, but it decides that it can't handle what 'file' all contains, and after waiting for ten minutes with nothing happening, unable to click anything, and ctrl+alt+delete fails to fuunction, and the only way to turn this thing off is to flip the switch underneath my desk, which turns my other shit off, too..
I've had a horrible weekend. I'm not about to go into details about what all happened. I'm sick of people and I'm fucking sick of myself.
'Fuck' seems to pop up into my sentences quite often.
Fuck the people who have intentionally made me feel like shit over the past how many days. Weeks. Months, though that might be stretching it. I know that they are aware of how they've been treating me. I've been dumb, and played stupid, trying desperately to express my good intentions and how much hurt they are causing so they'd either fess up and atleast be honest with me for once, or just stop it altogether and be decent towards me once again. I'm fucking sick of letting myself be dragged around on the ground like someones old and abused rag doll who they can just leave behind and bring alone when it suites them. Please, no reassurances that I don't deserve this (I'm aware of that), I can find so many better people, blah blah. I'm not in the mood for it. I'm just venting.
*breathe*
I don't like it when people ask me if I smoke, hear I say 'no', then go 'good for you' and, either on this long ramble, or in just a short phrase, say something that is so discriminatory, it makes me want to, oh, I don't know, light one up to defend smokers (though that wouldn't be the most intelligeent way to go about it). Yes, I am aware smoking is bad, causes terrible problems and then death, as well as endangering people around you. Etceter-fucking-ra. I also have a sister, a father, an uncle, cousins, friends, and probably people I'm not yet aware of, who smoke. Some more than others, some once a day, some two packs a day, some cigarettes, some caigars. I've grown to accept that, and I also encourage them to each quit. I don't press the issue; it's their choice, should they want help or support, I'm here. But when they are bad-mouthed for this negative choice, I get very angry. Very. It takes a bit for me to hold my tongue and wait it out, then I don't comment. Oh, what gets me even more, is when I don't comment in an effort to spare us both my rant, they feel that the pause is my 'converting to' or contemplating their side, and feel free to continue on. Then I get very tempted to dish out a verbal can of whoop-ass.
I do not have enough money to make it to the Social D concert this tuesday night.
I also might not have enough money to make it to Dropkick Murphys or KMFDM in October. I have about $70 to spend yet this semester unless I transfer funds. Transfer funds = not enough money for school next semester. It'll be about $25 to make it out to Madison via the bus, should I even decide to go. I don't think I'm missed out there anyway.
But I'm going to keep that money set aside anyhow. Just fucking incase I want to go shopping on State Street.
I'm left with $45. Social D alone I think is $24. Not to mention my plan of driving up to Eau Claire for a weekend sometime very soon, there's gas money.
I miss having a job. I miss feeling like I have some purpose. I hate that to learn what I want to learn, I have to bankrupt myself, and put all my time towards it, in a setting where I feel most bored, uncomfortable, and, overall, that I'm not getting anything from it. Classrooms are not my learning style. I'm just bored and feeling angry.
I really like Manowars song 'The Power Of Thy Sword'. Just the way it sounds. I really want Deadsy's album with 'Gramercy Park' and, mostly, 'Brand New Love'. That last song makes me feel grand in a somber way when I hear it, and I love it. I don't think I had it downloaded on the other computer, nor saved on my data cd if I did have it anywhere. There are so many cds I want that I can't get. I also forgot to mention that, in my financial rant, I want to send $35 to get 2 cds that I'd really love to have before they sell out completely from one of my good bands.
I want my camera, I miss taking pictures and being able to post them here immediately afterwards. I want to take pictures of the grass, the the top corners of the buildings, of the sunrise this morning at 5, or was it 6, am, which was so beautiful, I finally fell asleep feeling a bit more at ease.. And of my roommates expansive mess/clothing collection that puts my ten shirts and five pairs of pants to shame.
My mood feels a tad better.
I don't know what to do right now.
I did not leave my suite yesterday at all. I slept all day, got up a few times to get on here for a few minutes, then crawled back into bed. During the night, I would wake up at every hour or so, and it was almost like another drug trip. But I took note of my surroundings, got on here, did whatever it is I do on the computer (which was proof to me that I had been awake that previous hour, I saw my previous going-ons), then as I'd crawl into bed, I'd look right up at the sky and smile to myself how pretty it was, and I admired it.
At five this morning, I woke up from a dream, but I did not know it had been a dream, I didn't know it wasn't real. The dream was that my roommate had come back on the Badger Bus from Madison and arrived here at about 4 am. She gave me a call and I went downstairs, out the lobby doors, and to the steps out front. In doing so, I saw an ex (whom I've actually not gotten over (
), I found out the other day) with two of his friends. So we both just stood there for a short minute while he finished up a ciagarette, and said a total of one word to eachother. Unspoken, we all decided to head in because it was cold out. My roommate was going to stay down there for a bit yet, and I told her I'd be right back (for some reason, I assumed my ex would be back down as well, which is why I had said that). As he walked in with his friends, I followed to go back to my own dorm. His friends headed to the South Tower and he to West, and I'm not sure why, but I followed him, in complete belief my own was that way, too. Right before the base of the Tower, I realized my stupid mistake, that I was supposed to take the right hall, not left.. So he turned and looked at me, and I stopped. And walked the other way. I made it to my dorm room, heart pounding, and laid down in bed.
I looked up at the sky, and realized it was a beautiful 5 am morning, and that I wanted my camera. And I realized that I was fully awake, looking up at the sky. I looked at my roommates bunk, and saw her sleeping there, and it hit me faster than lightning that I had not only forgotten to go meet her back downstairs, but that I missed my chance to see my ex again (though that had been assumed), because I fell asleep for a really short while. I almost cried. I climbed up the ladder to her bunk, and saw that her blanket was lying oddly, so it only appeared that she was laying there.
I haven't had a dream feel more real in a long time. I know I've said it felt real before and I'll do it again, but this tops the list. I swore for awhile that it had really happened. Then some odd force decided to change the way fate had dealt this path, and re-did it, and I just remember how it had previously been.
My entire morning was spent in contemplation about how that had really happened if none the the evidence was there. My roommate was gone, I had not at any point in time been dressed, nor even been downstairs.. 
Now, I know it was a dream that I remembered when I woke up, but maybe I opened my eyes and saw the sky before the actual dream stopped and my mind started to work, so it transformed beautifully from dreamworld into reality?
Laying around daydreaming for an entire day, and doing so into the night, and through the night, does wierd things to one.
Another one of my liked songs is playing - Blind Guardian "Born in a Mourning Hall". I feel like I'm going insane.
I still don't know what to do now.
Edited to add: Go here and then go listen for atleast one full minute.
I've had a horrible weekend. I'm not about to go into details about what all happened. I'm sick of people and I'm fucking sick of myself.
'Fuck' seems to pop up into my sentences quite often.
Fuck the people who have intentionally made me feel like shit over the past how many days. Weeks. Months, though that might be stretching it. I know that they are aware of how they've been treating me. I've been dumb, and played stupid, trying desperately to express my good intentions and how much hurt they are causing so they'd either fess up and atleast be honest with me for once, or just stop it altogether and be decent towards me once again. I'm fucking sick of letting myself be dragged around on the ground like someones old and abused rag doll who they can just leave behind and bring alone when it suites them. Please, no reassurances that I don't deserve this (I'm aware of that), I can find so many better people, blah blah. I'm not in the mood for it. I'm just venting.
*breathe*
I don't like it when people ask me if I smoke, hear I say 'no', then go 'good for you' and, either on this long ramble, or in just a short phrase, say something that is so discriminatory, it makes me want to, oh, I don't know, light one up to defend smokers (though that wouldn't be the most intelligeent way to go about it). Yes, I am aware smoking is bad, causes terrible problems and then death, as well as endangering people around you. Etceter-fucking-ra. I also have a sister, a father, an uncle, cousins, friends, and probably people I'm not yet aware of, who smoke. Some more than others, some once a day, some two packs a day, some cigarettes, some caigars. I've grown to accept that, and I also encourage them to each quit. I don't press the issue; it's their choice, should they want help or support, I'm here. But when they are bad-mouthed for this negative choice, I get very angry. Very. It takes a bit for me to hold my tongue and wait it out, then I don't comment. Oh, what gets me even more, is when I don't comment in an effort to spare us both my rant, they feel that the pause is my 'converting to' or contemplating their side, and feel free to continue on. Then I get very tempted to dish out a verbal can of whoop-ass.
I do not have enough money to make it to the Social D concert this tuesday night.
I also might not have enough money to make it to Dropkick Murphys or KMFDM in October. I have about $70 to spend yet this semester unless I transfer funds. Transfer funds = not enough money for school next semester. It'll be about $25 to make it out to Madison via the bus, should I even decide to go. I don't think I'm missed out there anyway.
But I'm going to keep that money set aside anyhow. Just fucking incase I want to go shopping on State Street.
I'm left with $45. Social D alone I think is $24. Not to mention my plan of driving up to Eau Claire for a weekend sometime very soon, there's gas money.
I miss having a job. I miss feeling like I have some purpose. I hate that to learn what I want to learn, I have to bankrupt myself, and put all my time towards it, in a setting where I feel most bored, uncomfortable, and, overall, that I'm not getting anything from it. Classrooms are not my learning style. I'm just bored and feeling angry.
I really like Manowars song 'The Power Of Thy Sword'. Just the way it sounds. I really want Deadsy's album with 'Gramercy Park' and, mostly, 'Brand New Love'. That last song makes me feel grand in a somber way when I hear it, and I love it. I don't think I had it downloaded on the other computer, nor saved on my data cd if I did have it anywhere. There are so many cds I want that I can't get. I also forgot to mention that, in my financial rant, I want to send $35 to get 2 cds that I'd really love to have before they sell out completely from one of my good bands.
I want my camera, I miss taking pictures and being able to post them here immediately afterwards. I want to take pictures of the grass, the the top corners of the buildings, of the sunrise this morning at 5, or was it 6, am, which was so beautiful, I finally fell asleep feeling a bit more at ease.. And of my roommates expansive mess/clothing collection that puts my ten shirts and five pairs of pants to shame.
My mood feels a tad better.
I don't know what to do right now.
I did not leave my suite yesterday at all. I slept all day, got up a few times to get on here for a few minutes, then crawled back into bed. During the night, I would wake up at every hour or so, and it was almost like another drug trip. But I took note of my surroundings, got on here, did whatever it is I do on the computer (which was proof to me that I had been awake that previous hour, I saw my previous going-ons), then as I'd crawl into bed, I'd look right up at the sky and smile to myself how pretty it was, and I admired it.
At five this morning, I woke up from a dream, but I did not know it had been a dream, I didn't know it wasn't real. The dream was that my roommate had come back on the Badger Bus from Madison and arrived here at about 4 am. She gave me a call and I went downstairs, out the lobby doors, and to the steps out front. In doing so, I saw an ex (whom I've actually not gotten over (
), I found out the other day) with two of his friends. So we both just stood there for a short minute while he finished up a ciagarette, and said a total of one word to eachother. Unspoken, we all decided to head in because it was cold out. My roommate was going to stay down there for a bit yet, and I told her I'd be right back (for some reason, I assumed my ex would be back down as well, which is why I had said that). As he walked in with his friends, I followed to go back to my own dorm. His friends headed to the South Tower and he to West, and I'm not sure why, but I followed him, in complete belief my own was that way, too. Right before the base of the Tower, I realized my stupid mistake, that I was supposed to take the right hall, not left.. So he turned and looked at me, and I stopped. And walked the other way. I made it to my dorm room, heart pounding, and laid down in bed.
I looked up at the sky, and realized it was a beautiful 5 am morning, and that I wanted my camera. And I realized that I was fully awake, looking up at the sky. I looked at my roommates bunk, and saw her sleeping there, and it hit me faster than lightning that I had not only forgotten to go meet her back downstairs, but that I missed my chance to see my ex again (though that had been assumed), because I fell asleep for a really short while. I almost cried. I climbed up the ladder to her bunk, and saw that her blanket was lying oddly, so it only appeared that she was laying there.
I haven't had a dream feel more real in a long time. I know I've said it felt real before and I'll do it again, but this tops the list. I swore for awhile that it had really happened. Then some odd force decided to change the way fate had dealt this path, and re-did it, and I just remember how it had previously been.
My entire morning was spent in contemplation about how that had really happened if none the the evidence was there. My roommate was gone, I had not at any point in time been dressed, nor even been downstairs..
Now, I know it was a dream that I remembered when I woke up, but maybe I opened my eyes and saw the sky before the actual dream stopped and my mind started to work, so it transformed beautifully from dreamworld into reality?
Laying around daydreaming for an entire day, and doing so into the night, and through the night, does wierd things to one.
Another one of my liked songs is playing - Blind Guardian "Born in a Mourning Hall". I feel like I'm going insane.
I still don't know what to do now.
Edited to add: Go here and then go listen for atleast one full minute.
VIEW 17 of 17 COMMENTS
[Edited on Sep 20, 2005 6:42PM]