moya

I liked my hair this way. I should redo it again sometime soon.

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Edited this small section here to add: Me now, looking retarded:

My hair feels so soft and airy and I love touching it.
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Overall, July wasn't that great of a month. This next one won't be as good, either. Things have already come about in the past few days since my last entry (maybe I jinxed myself) that are making life drag down again.

I got a letter/packet/bill from University two days ago.. I read the letter once in disbelief, then read it to my father. About halfway through, I had to stop because I was choking up.

"We are currently overbooked for the Fall Semester as fewer contract cancellations have been recieved than were anticipated. As a result, we do not have a permanent room assignment for you in Sandburg Halls at this time."...."We are in the process of renting space in local hotels within close proximity of the campus..."

Um. Not to sound idiotic or anything, but the dorm life was one of the things I had been anticipating. No, not sharing a small space with one other woman/four others in the suite, or the terrible food, or the floors and elevators that smelled like vomit, or anything like that.
It was to meet people. I be able to get out on my own, and have my own 'place'. I know it's what, a 10'x10' room (if I got a single room, which was my FIRST priority), but it'd be my place, you know? One that's out of this place, with people my own age, that I could do almost anything with except paint the walls with goat blood.

I'm not going to live in a hotel room. I want to be able to take an elevator, go down, and walk right over to my class, or to the cafeteria for breakfast. I want to be able to meet people, say, 'Oh, I'm in tower ----, room number ----" and invite friends up to my dorm room to hang out, to listen to the (hopefully) cheerful, friendly going-ons of my suitemates.. I'd like to be able to go to a party in the dorms, and know that I could make it back to my dorm safe and sound without ever having to go outside the entire building complex, whether or not illegal substances had been consumed. I want to have access to the campus, I want to be on the campus, and be able to go out for walks and explore and return when I wanted to my room.

Not take the bus to the campus, go to class, and take it back to my isolated hotel room. Not not invite people to chill because we'd have to bus there..and bus back, what a hassle, when it could just be a flight of stairs away.
Does this make any sense? I'm paying the campus for ON CAMPUS housing, not to be carted around and feeling even more alien to the college experience.

School starts in one month. Move-ins start in less than a month. They'll send me an update 'every two weeks' keeping me 'up-to-date' with what's happening. I'm, well, very pissed off that they could pull such a thing. How can a place like a university put so much into relying on cancellations to overbook, and then have the gall to send some students letters telling them they actually didn't get the on-campus housing they had been previously promised and reassured they had in earlier letters?
Not to mention I had no time to think about it, because the first payment of $2500 was due in by monday and I had to send a check immediately the next day otherwise get a cancelled contract?

Things are very rocky in the friends area, and there's a chance that by the end of this month, I'll be without any close friends again to go to. I know college (gee, if I might get that damn dorm room) will change things (and yes I'm aware I'll meet people in classes, outside, the cafeteria..everywhere..) but still, it's heart breaking to think that I've put so much into the short friendships I've developed with a few select people lately, only to have them die out.
One person refuses to contact me anymore, one is having serious housing and money issues, and one I really can't predict when I'll get to talk to her next.. I like my few friends when I have them, and without one or two, or more, I'm going to start to stumble again.

This is where I reassure myself that I am an independent soul. No matter what, no matter how many friends I lack, or how few I have, I have myself to talk to, myself to reassure, myself to heal and walk through the steps in life. I can be alone, and I can be good at it, and if I have myself to fully and completely rely on, I'll be fine. I'm fine by myself. I need to not be so afraid of that.
There were times when I was good about it, and then I faltered, but nonetheless, I have been the one who's helped me with myself. Without me, I'd be lost.

My father had surgery this early morning. He's doing well, and sleeping in a drug induced sleep on the couch. Grumpy as a motherfucker when he's woken, though. My mother took him and then stayed with him all day until I got home at about 2, then we napped, and now she's at work and I have to make sure he's fine for tonight.
Next week, he has another thing coming up. Another surgery? I'm not sure. Something like that, though. I hope he can pull through.

I'm already starting to feel the pangs of loneliness inside, yesterday and today. I'm meeting up with an old best friend later this evening at a park, and we're going to catch up. It's been a few years. I need a shoulder to cry on. So does she.
I miss her and the way we talked for hours. Our walks home from my house, and I'd just ramble off one of my fantasies in my head. Nothing sick, just whatever story was running through it at the time. Sometimes, she'd come over (this is back when she lived a block away from me) and we'd watch a movie, then I'd walk her back and on the way, I'd retell her about it, except I'd change it so I could be a character, too, and it made her laugh. I remember one evening, we watched Pitch Black, and I had two ideas, so we stood outside her house for a bit so I could tell both and we could talk about which would be better and why. The sun was setting right below the horizon, and some birds flew by and I told her it was the creatures from the movie and ran around.
I miss those days. I miss the imagination I had. And being bold enough like that to share it with someone, face to face, acting it out, being me. I haven't done that in a really long time.

This morning, I woke up alone in the house with the sunlight streaming in. I poured myself a bowl of cereal, and saw there was no milk left in the fridge. I slid down its front and sat on the kitchen floor and sobbed.
Oh, life.