moya

There are things that stop me dead in my tracks when memories, thoughts, or situations hit me like brick walls. Instead of being stunned, my mood swings completely to the negative end of the spectrum, and then I get to practice what I've taught myself in crawling out of it. Sometimes I'm successful, sometimes I'm not.

I sat with the cat earlier and contemplated driving out to the bluffs. To watch the east as the sun went down behind me. What a carefree personality he has. If there was an anti-issue pill, I'd like to take it. But I don't like taking pills. And a shot would never do.

There's an immense guilt that everyone I know now, I'll have to eventually hurt later down the road. I've tried to deal with things in ways that I won't lose my friends now, but I seem to be failing a bit, and really, I think that down the road they're going to end up hating me for what I'll have to do. Tomorrow marks one year since someone decided to leave me, and I know how hateful I've been.
It's only a matter of short years before I actually do leave, and how much is it going to hurt everyone else? Some, I'll never see again, and some won't ever want to see me again. Maybe the relationships I'm involved in will be what dooms me; then my departure might actually have reason.
But it already does, it has all along.

I can't be blamed for this. It was going to happen sometime, and it'll be a few years, yet.
But the thought of it keeps me going everyday. Despite the fact it makes my heart heavy alot.

I'm going to go shopping on amazon. I doubt I'll decide on something because I'm so indecisive and cheap. In an effort to atleast get out tonight, I might go pass out in the backseat of the truck while my parents go to Menards. I've gotten sick lately with, what we're assuming, is a bad cold. Taking awhile to heal, of course, my body is trying to deal with another hole in it. Yesterday at work, while blowing my nose, I accidently got it caught in kleenex and pulled it out halfway. Yes, it hurt.

I'm disappointed that none of this came out at good as it had been when it ran through my head while lying on the floor in the yellow light next to the cat. Atleast I don't need a keyboard to function entirely.
Time to go watch Home Alone on tv. And cartoons.

I hate anniversaries of painful things.