moya

So, it appears all my friends went out last night and no one bothered to ask/tell me. But later, they had the balls to inquire me about my own night and hint that perhaps they'd like to go with me next time. No one has bothered to tell me anything about tonight, either, despite talking to two people who will be there (cooking dinner at someones house in less than 2 hours). I'm starting to want to give up on these people (some of them who are oh, so busy!). I don't have the heart to hate my friends, and I think they use that to get around all these things, because I won't do anything about it. I guess I'm more desperate than I thought for some type of human interaction. Right now, I'm feeling like an abused, reused asswipe. Unfortunately, I think being constantly rejected by these people is causing my slight panic disorder to creep back in, to now where I freak out about going somewhere by myself, and end up running the other way when I'm right there.

I also learned about the night before/day my friend obtained her new boyfriend. It reminds me of the start to a dear relationship of my own that has wiltered. But, after one month exactly, she's all in love and blah blah blah already. I'd comment that she goes through these boys (yes, boys and not men) like towels, but I know the response would be: "I know", or "You're right", or "You're just feeling like that because you've only managed to have a boyfriend for a few months, every other year.." (then complete silence for an unknown amount of time). I'm in no mood to take the sting of that last statement. I really don't understand how people can do that to eachother, though.

I know constantly wishing I had gotten my act together long ago so I'd be at university now, will do absolutely nothing; I can't do one damn thing about it, but I do sit and wonder how much better I'd be out of this negative environment, and into the one I'm looking forward to so much (fuck summer, where's september?). Away from these people and from the immaturity and suffocation that brings me down. I'm not here by choice, yet I was told that moving out would be an 'immature, selfish, and stupid thing to do'; I'll be out in 6 months anyway, why bother moving twice and wasting money.

The good news of today is that I didn't have to work. But my boss made me feel like a complete ass for asking for todays agenda when I called; were we going to open or not. "Well, if you owned a car wash, would you open on a day like today?" I got that after trying to get a hold of him for 20 minutes. I get paranoid, and unsure, because we've been open in crazy weather before. Also, I just realized, I forgot to thank him for the raise I got on my paycheck yesterday. I did get my raise, and instead of having a huge grin on my face, I almost cried because I felt insanely terrible about it. I still do.

I want to go crawl..somewhere.. Preferably not into the hole I came out of. I feel deprived because of my own stupid and irresponsible acts, and because of this returning panic, I'm growing unsure of the things I used to feel so confident in doing. And it's really seriously pissing me off.

I'm cold. I'm tired, I woke up at 4:24 this morning and I've been up since. The only time I went out was to the Home Depot at 7:45 this morning. I really know how to have a good time.

On a more comical side: My appointment is monday.
Some of you may remember/know what this is for. Everyone else can wait.

Fire the laser!

Edited to add: That came out alot more whiney and pathetic than I intended.. So disregard the majority of it. I needed to vent.