moya

For Christmas, along with a garter belt, my sister got me this new and improved bra, I believe from Victorias Secret, that's supposed to be the most comfortable bra ever. I think Victorias Secret sizes and makes their undergarments different than Target. I cannot breathe; this damn bra has made me almost pass out twice. I've cried over it already. Yes, it's on the first set of hooks, so it's as big around as it can get, and it's in my size, according to Target, and it is squeezing me terribly (I've been walking around all morning with almost nothing on, it makes me feel not so confined). No big inhales. Actually, no inhaling for that matter. And besides the suffocation, the underwires are more like steel beams. Or so they feel like. Curved, yes, but perhaps..too much, or too little, or they're crooked somehow.. I arch back to stretch alot, and everytime I've done it so far, the wires have actually, because of the tightness, dug right in between my ribs. Which hurts like a motherfucking bitch. Damn ribs, and damn this motherfucking bra. I know, take it off, but this thing probably costed her fifty bucks, and if I stop wearing it, it won't get stretched and fit me. Ever. It's like my mother tells me: Beauty never comes without pain. That is why I was never beautiful. Or so I've been told a few times (and also why I never have a boyfriend that often).

I had a long, good cry this morning. I wish I would have been as smart as my sister. As soon as she turned of age, that same day, she moved out, and hasn't moved back home yet (and she's very happy now). She'll be 21 in a few months. One reason for this, is that there is something going on between my parents. And it's really bugging them, though they try to make it look like everything's fine. But just because they are having issues between the two of them does not give my father any right at all to take his anger out on me, to the point where I'm yelled/run out of the house at 11 at night to avoid his violent tendencies, forgotten half the time, and then locked out. Yay for being small and weak. I'm sick of the feeling of being expendable when inside this house.

I'm bored. I'm angry. I am having a terrible five day weekend. I cannot go out anywhere, for fear of being seen by one of my coworkers and then being held accountable for lying why I took off of work. That means no shopping, no movies from blockbuster, no going out to eat with family/friends. Whatever means leaving this house, I can't do. That's not exactly fair. Today is even pay day. I need a place to hideout for a day or two, and my sister isn't even offering refuge.

I should be in Illinois right now. Due to previously mentioned father issues, I was forbidden last minute after they realized I had actually been serious for the past 6 months; my car doesn't run good, yet again. I was supposed to visit my best friend, my cousin, for a few days, we had it planned out (sort of..We got tired of thinking alot ). Wednesday night, I tearfully apologized to her, over IM (I really wanted to go is all..), for not being able to come this weekend.. And she had no idea what I was talking about. It's kind of a stab in the heart when your best friend, the only one who's within a days worth of driving distance forgets something like that. Why am I so easy to forget? My parents, my boss, my friends.. You'd think I would be easily remembered. One slow day, my boss forgot I was at work, and called my house/mother to ask where the hell I was and to send me in. We had even been talking earlier throughout that entire morning. I'm still not. fucking. permanent. So much for being one of only five people who have lasted over 1.5 years. I can tell I'm appreciated at that place.

General consensus was a used bookstore! The only used one around here is, and we actually do have one, a Half Price Books. It's kind of far away, but I suppose would be worth it. I'd love to work in a bookstore. I applied at one not too long ago..and got no call back. I looked my best, too. I don't try to look (normally) good that often. They don't know what they passed up, I guess.

I'm ready to fucking tear this bra off, and into shreds.

Oh, and if I had to cook because my life depended on it..I'd perish. I found that out this morning. Yay for failing at everything. Let's not get into that, though. I just don't cook I guess. But thank you to everyone who attempted to explain things as easily as you could. Trust me, I'm a dumbass. You did good.

It's not even noon yet. I need..to go do something... I hope you enjoyed reading about my emo morning.

And! The new look on the site is awesome. Pretty darn awesome. It's so cool, that I don't think I'm going to go get dressed. Instead, I'm going to stare at the pretty pictures. As always.