The waking-up depression has settled deep within me for the day. It's been awhile since it's gotten this far. Alot of the time, it's not noticable that something sad and lonely also resides within this body, and whichever words I choose to say could hide it completely, but I can never fully ignore it, or set it aside. I can thrive in my happy states day after day, but there is never a moment where I'm not feeling the other presence, another piece of me already set in stone. The sad half. The loneliness that eats away at my insides, and makes it feel like I'm going to have a heart attack, or die because it literally hurts my body to breathe (maybe it's just the anxiety kicking in). Of course, it's just a matter of the severity it decides to make itself known. And the events of the day.
I admit I'm missing someone very dearly, who I probably should no longer be missing. I'll say its been three months and six days since I've seen said persons face, and bathed in their presence which puts everything inside of me and out at complete rest. The dueling forces inside shake hands and sit holding hands, and peace is the result.
It's possible for me to live by myself, alone, I just have more days where the downs get to rule by daylight and dark. Having a conversation with a man I work with, who's in a relationship that's lasted over three years, I could not help but agree that each person should have another to help keep them in line and be willing to dedicate their life to you. Granted, his case is different than mine, but nonetheless, I don't want to be alone. I'm such a spontaneous, random person that I'd appreciate someones willingness to keep an eye on me, to keep me going, and if need be, the only reason I can keep going until my feet land on ground again from either days like today, or some sort of upheaval or stunt I manage to unknowingly do.
I've been craving contact these past few months. Physical contact from the love held for and recieved from a person. The touch of another human. It was satisfying enough for me at christmas when my best friend and cousin came; I was so starved just to hold her hand. She's the only one I know who isn't bothered or freaked out or afraid she's offended me if our feet rest on eachother, or if our legs rest side by side, touching from thigh down to foot, or as our hands fall, our pinkies accidentally graze eachother, or when we stand next to eachother, our shoulders and arms meet, and she does not mind when I lay my head on her lap (I wonder if she knows I shed a few tears of comfort when I did so at christmas). Physical contact as simple as that helps greatly, makes me not feel so alone and forgotten, and helps me realize that I am still here, emotionally and physically. I'm lucky that she and I are so close that such things are understood and allowed. But I only see her three or four times a year, and she resides an hour and a half away, and because she is my cousin, there is not much intimacy to be had. But a comfort that I am more than thankful for anyway. Other than that, there's really nothing else. No one else, not anymore.
It's taken me a good hour to get that out, after many entries written then deleted. It's wierd; even now, I don't know what to write..
In other news, UWM has sent me a packet about signing up to live in the dorms, which scares the striped socks off me. University had never been in my life plans, and as I keep forcing this along, I'm getting more and more frightened for myself. Just to be clear, everyone, including the parents, knows I send my applications in, my portfolio, the contracts and such with a 75% chance of not going. My reasoning is that if I decide to attend last minute, I have every option available to me, I would have a dorm to stay in, and would be all signed up and ready. But, I have a foot and a half out the door, and if I feel this is the wrong decision at any point in time, I will simply decide to not go, despite all the prepartions I make.
I also have an enlarged taste bud on the tip of my tongue, I'm ready to chop my tongue off. I'm bored, and feeling disappointed with myself for such a depressing entry. Thinking about it now, my LJ must be a really depressing read for whoever reads it. I'm going to reply to the comments, then go be the psychotic perfectionist I am, and then return. I also must say thank you to SG for hours of nonstop laughter last night. I almost died.
I admit I'm missing someone very dearly, who I probably should no longer be missing. I'll say its been three months and six days since I've seen said persons face, and bathed in their presence which puts everything inside of me and out at complete rest. The dueling forces inside shake hands and sit holding hands, and peace is the result.
It's possible for me to live by myself, alone, I just have more days where the downs get to rule by daylight and dark. Having a conversation with a man I work with, who's in a relationship that's lasted over three years, I could not help but agree that each person should have another to help keep them in line and be willing to dedicate their life to you. Granted, his case is different than mine, but nonetheless, I don't want to be alone. I'm such a spontaneous, random person that I'd appreciate someones willingness to keep an eye on me, to keep me going, and if need be, the only reason I can keep going until my feet land on ground again from either days like today, or some sort of upheaval or stunt I manage to unknowingly do.
I've been craving contact these past few months. Physical contact from the love held for and recieved from a person. The touch of another human. It was satisfying enough for me at christmas when my best friend and cousin came; I was so starved just to hold her hand. She's the only one I know who isn't bothered or freaked out or afraid she's offended me if our feet rest on eachother, or if our legs rest side by side, touching from thigh down to foot, or as our hands fall, our pinkies accidentally graze eachother, or when we stand next to eachother, our shoulders and arms meet, and she does not mind when I lay my head on her lap (I wonder if she knows I shed a few tears of comfort when I did so at christmas). Physical contact as simple as that helps greatly, makes me not feel so alone and forgotten, and helps me realize that I am still here, emotionally and physically. I'm lucky that she and I are so close that such things are understood and allowed. But I only see her three or four times a year, and she resides an hour and a half away, and because she is my cousin, there is not much intimacy to be had. But a comfort that I am more than thankful for anyway. Other than that, there's really nothing else. No one else, not anymore.
It's taken me a good hour to get that out, after many entries written then deleted. It's wierd; even now, I don't know what to write..
In other news, UWM has sent me a packet about signing up to live in the dorms, which scares the striped socks off me. University had never been in my life plans, and as I keep forcing this along, I'm getting more and more frightened for myself. Just to be clear, everyone, including the parents, knows I send my applications in, my portfolio, the contracts and such with a 75% chance of not going. My reasoning is that if I decide to attend last minute, I have every option available to me, I would have a dorm to stay in, and would be all signed up and ready. But, I have a foot and a half out the door, and if I feel this is the wrong decision at any point in time, I will simply decide to not go, despite all the prepartions I make.
I also have an enlarged taste bud on the tip of my tongue, I'm ready to chop my tongue off. I'm bored, and feeling disappointed with myself for such a depressing entry. Thinking about it now, my LJ must be a really depressing read for whoever reads it. I'm going to reply to the comments, then go be the psychotic perfectionist I am, and then return. I also must say thank you to SG for hours of nonstop laughter last night. I almost died.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
You've got some pretty good taste in music. What else do you listen to?
You're pretty wordy with the journal entries, but I like it even if it is a bit depressing. Doesn't anything really good or exciting happen for you? I find that if you dwell on the negative too much it just gets you down.